My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are feeling flush. You have lots of time to get drunk, but remember to leave your car at home, because wherever you go, there will be a breathalyzer test near you. This is important, because Aries people sometimes think they can get away with all kinds of shit. You wouldn’t think that, would you? Try something cool and different: Shochu for you.

Taurus, the stars are telling you to be a lazy douche this week. If that sounds like you, then find someone else to make new and exciting drinks for you—someone with patience…someone who can make buttered rum from scratch. You have to be nice to this person though, or the deal’s off.

Your emotions are a roller coaster, Gemini. People think you’re a meth-head; you’re so manic you can’t sit down. What you need is a project: Malibu jello shots. Find some peach or passionfruit Jell-O and substitute Malibu for one of the cups of water. You’ll have to wait for it to set a bit, but you can use this time to drain the Malibu bottle.

You have formidable emotions to harness this week, Cancer. Your mission is to subdue your inner crybaby and get happy. Try meeting new people who don’t know anything about you. With new people you have a clean slate—they won’t get so angry when you barf white rum all over them.

You’ve been too mature lately, Leo, so it’s time to get silly. You should mix a ridiculous cocktail and take it to work. I’m thinking vodka, creme de bananes, and amaretto. If people ask you why the spreadsheet isn’t adding up, moon them.

The universe is trying to create peace in your life, Virgo, but it can’t because you’re always trying to take charge. Ease up with a beach-style drink: equal parts watermelon schnapps, blue curacao, and triple sec. You’ve been too controlling, so you need to drink this until you lose all control.

Libra, whatever negativity you’ve been hanging on to, you need to let go of it now! It’s time to be positive and live in the moment. Whip up some pink lemonade with some Canadian Club, ice, and a little water; add Cool Whip and froth it up some more. Make yourself a Cool Whip beard.

Scorpio, later in the week you’ll need to be careful with facts and figures, but for now it’s playtime—equal parts Tia Maria and rum, shaken with pineapple juice and ice. Although I always recommend taking mixtures like this outside in a flask, this is a bad week for it. People will mess with you and put you on the wrong bus unconscious, so you should hang in.

Sagittarius, you mustn’t trust your own judgment this week. Let others tell you what to do. I’m going to start by recommending this crazy Root Beer Float. Look into my eyes! Do it! Combine Smirnoff, Cuervo, Galliano, Kahlua, cream, and Coca-Cola! What the hell this has to do with root beer I don’t know, but the cops will be taking a full report after your revved-up evening.

You’re in for an insane week, Capricorn. You’ll barely be able to duck when things get thrown at you (and you know how helpful alcohol is with agility). But it really is hopeless, so drink up anyway, and start early. Coffee’s pretty boring without Kahlua and creme de cacao in it.

Your powers are returning to you, Aquarius, and you are both magnetic and intimidating. Others will watch your exploits with admiration—in fact, you’ve never been so influential. Therefore this is the only week, perhaps, that you can get away with drinking Jagermeister and Southern Comfort openly at work. YEAH! Mix it up with some tonic. Your coworkers will be fawning over you.

Pisces, you need to speak up when people do you wrong. Sometimes that’s hard, but a little alcohol might loosen you up enough to express yourself. This week calls for sweet, soothing concoctions. Here’s an idea:

• 1 oz Irish cream
• 1 oz Kahlua
• 2 oz Frangelico
• 1 oz cream
• 1 oz vodka
• 1/3 cup peanut butter

Got a big martini shaker? Shake this like crazy with ice so it doesn’t come out chunky. A lot of ingredients, eh? How will you find them all in jail?