lager

ASTROLIQUOR for March 8-14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s time to mend a relationship. The conflict started out small, but then you were a dickhead and exaggerated the situation. Now you need to pocket your pride. This is embarrassing, so you’ll do well to eliminate any inhibitions. With what? you ask. Why, with Jack Daniel’s and blackberry brandy in equal parts. Not at work, though—the stars are already forecasting a crappy performance review.

Taurus, your ability to focus abandons you. You’ll spend at least four hours this week watching people do the Harlem Shake and hunting through YouTube for philosophy lectures that bolster the weird-ass stuff you already believe in. Go out and have fun instead. The stars encourage incorporating Midori Melon into all your activities, as long as they get you out of the house.

Stock up on beer and potato chips, Gemini—you’re having a house party this week. Play some good music and people will show up by the dozen. Watch out for a Libra—a totally wrecked Libra. You’ll want to keep this person out of trouble. Pull him/her aside and have a real conversation about something important to you. Not only will you start a solid friendship; you’ll have someone to help you clean up later.

Cancer, the stars call for communication and negotiation with an emphasis on finance. You’ll be assertive and effective. You may well wonder: What place does alcohol have in this? The stars say “no place,” but who says you have to listen to the stars? They are very distant balls of exploding gas, and they know ^&*$@!* about your life. Pour some watermelon schnapps and tell the stars to kiss your ass.

Leo, get serious about finance and household matters. Buy some real estate, perhaps, or some throw pillows. If you fix up your surroundings you’ll feel like having visitors (the stars say “older women”). Moreover, you’ll get sympathy without having to act like a jerk. Of course all this civility will run its course and end with several ounces of Bailey’s dropped into a pitcher of lager.

As a Virgo you tend to be a pragmatist—but not this week. Get your paranormal/ astrological/ metaphysical game on. You could take a course and earn credentials similar to Sylvia Browne’s (or, since those would be “zero,” you could study some old metaphysics texts). This is not incompatible with drinking tequila, but it will mess up your workout at the gym. No-brainer: tequila.

Libra, you’ll experience memory dropouts commensurate with the amount of cognac that’s mysteriously disappeared from your bar. Yes, you bottomed out, Libra, and you can’t remember any of it. This will make friends and relatives laugh at you, and you will probably get fired, especially if you are an air traffic controller. Sounds like a reasonable week.

You get some bad health-related news about a friend, Scorpio. This person used to be in kick-ass shape, but you just can’t neglect a thing like syphilis indefinitely. Your friend is in trouble, and you’d better visit. Not that you have to avoid the subject. Your friend will love talking frankly with you, especially if come stocked with sloe gin, banana liqueur, vodka, triple sec, and Southern Comfort.

Sagittarius, those benders have been keeping you from a robust social life. Friends are starting to resent your no-shows—but not as much as they resent you breathing next-day Green Chartreuse all over them when you do make an appearance. If you feel too sick to address your social shortcomings, give yourself a week or so. But do keep up with old friends, because you’re not exactly making new ones.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. Your body is wrecked after weeks of slamming blended whiskey and rum. If you don’t know how to relax, try modelling your behavior after someone you consider especially indolent. If you fake being a lazy douche for long enough, the next thing you know, you’ll actually be one, and then you’ll have arrived. Pour yourself some creme de cacao.

Aquarius, you suck at minding your finances, but your bank account is going critical, so it wouldn’t hurt to set a budget. No more fancy vodka for you; buy a plastic-jug brand. You’ll probably use the money you save to go on an expensive date rather than actually banking it, but that’s okay; you need human contact. Too bad the person is sketchy and knows where you live.

Pisces, strong emotions take over this week, leaving you barely able to function. This is what happens when you ingest nothing but rye with Tang® all week; you’re reduced to a snivelling ruin. Talk about your feelings, but not with people you know. Try people on the subway or in other confined spaces from which they can’t run away immediately. What you say is disturbing, but you need to say it. Remember life is beautiful, even if you’re not the most beautiful component of it.

ANALOGUE 78 KÖLSCH—Once again, beer keeps me out of trouble

My Fellow Inebriates,

When WordPress let the following comment through, I thought its spam filters must be drunk.

…stop using your harsh bathroom tissue. Buy premoistened wipes or pads instead. Do you use garlic at home?…

But Holly Hayden’s message actually  made sense in response to 5 Ways to Help Your Anus Thrive. Goodness, she was actually proposing help for the ragged anuses at LBHQ.

“Stop using your harsh bathroom tissue.”

Given that throughout history people have used everything from leaves/twigs to corn husks to wipe away their nightsoil, TP doesn’t seem so harsh. But point taken. Miss V in particular dislikes the harshness of Kirkland Signature toilet tissue, a product we’ve taken to buying in bulk at Costco because she enjoys unspooling entire rolls into the toilet while nobody’s looking.

“Buy premoistened wipes or pads instead.”

Done and done. Almost no one with young kids can avoid prepackaged wipes. In just the way disposable diapers sneak into the diaper bag, especially with a second kid, premoistened wipes assert their must-have status in short order. You get to the point where, if somebody else’s kid sticks a hand down a diaper and emerges with a handful of excrement, and the parent doesn’t have a premoistened wipe, you think they’re a total asshole.

farting guyBut according to an itchy-bottom expert, wet wipes can cause rashes. Especially in body areas that transition from external to internal, “such as the lips or the anus,” or indeed the lips of the anus, sensitivity to methylchloroisothiazolinone/ methylisothiazolinone (MCI/MI) or kathon CG, the chemicals most often found in wipes, may induce mind-bendingly awful ass rashes, which then devolve into further hell as you “treat” them by wiping instead of using TP.

I did an informal poll of LBHQ to see who exactly is using these wet wipes.

Miss P: No. Miss P likes to squat and dash, using nothing, and leaving everything behind for later discovery. Hemorrhoids? No.

Miss V: Yes. Miss V feeds wet wipes to the toilet despite their obvious indigestibility, making for later surprises of the plumbing kind. Hemorrhoids? No.

My dad: Refused to be interviewed. Hemorrhoids? Not that I know of, which is to say, inconclusive.

My mum: Yes. Takes wet wipes to the park so other parents won’t think she’s an asshole. Hemorrhoids? “None of your bloody business,” but no.

Scarybear: Shits in the woods, he says, which means outside by the cedar trees. No one has ever seen him leave the house. Hemorrhoids? How could someone as ornery as Scary not have hemorrhoids?

“Do you use garlic at home?”

For what? OMG, my fellow inebriates, what is my spammer suggesting? What would one do with garlic vis-à-vis hemorrhoids? Insert them up one’s ass??

I had to know, so I clicked on Holly’s link.hemorrhoid feedback form

My WordPress spam filter might have tied one on, but gmail’s was sober. It put my “H Miracle Alternative Remedy Handbook” straight into the spam pile. And when I retrieved it, it was just a tease.

hemorrhoid miracle end of sample

Luckily I don’t have a functional anus, but I know most of you do. Should you insert garlic into it?

My new friend Holly may have been reticent to share her hemorrhoid wisdom without a credit card number, but Lainey Penninger was not. Her instructions were as follows:

Insert the garlic clove into your rectum like a suppository. Adding lubricant will make it easier to insert. Simply use your index finger and insert the clove inside the rectum approximately two inches. Leave the garlic suppository overnight… Repeat three times per week to decrease hemorrhoid symptoms. The garlic clove will naturally be expelled when you have your next bowel movement.

Holy crap, people, I’d never thought about doing this. Have any of you ever done this? Would you like to?

garlic cloveWe have garlic in the fridge, but none of the humans wanted to be a guinea pig. So I thought I’d find Scarybear and insert some garlic up his cavity while he was busy watching The Matrix for the hundredth time. But I got distracted by a bottle of PHILLIPS ANALOGUE 78 KÖLSCH. Unbeknownst to me it had arrived in a Phillips sampler pack that included DR. FUNK DUNKEL, a beer my dad found so awesome that he asked my mum to buy it again, little knowing that she would instead abide by the LBHQ beer-tasting agenda and buy a four-variety pack so we won’t run out of brews to review and have to post two weeks of cat pictures again.

Analog-78At first my dad was disgruntled at receiving only three DR. FUNK DUNKELS and nine randoms. I suspected hemorrhoids, but you can’t blame those for everything. No, my dad thought he’d tried the Phillips sampler before and hadn’t liked it. Which was a total hallucination, as the box has never been in our house before. Again, I suspected hemorrhoids—this time the hallucination-inducing kind. This he denied, so I guess I got my interview.

Fact is, when we got those Phillips beers chilled, they were damned fine. ANALOGUE 78 pours silky straw-colored with a film of white head and quick bubbles that waft bakery crust, faint citrus notes, and earthy hops. The aroma falls within typical parameters: nothing outlandish, just crisp and uncomplicated.

On the palate ANALOGUE 78 is clean and refreshing with peppy carbonation, easy bitterness and restrained malt. A quintessential summer beer, the stuff is more quaffable than its marketing materials (“our version of the long-play album”) purport. It was gone in a blink.

Needless to say, any thoughts of garlic were also gone. Not that stuffing garlic up Scary’s ass was one of my better ideas…

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ASTROLIQUOR for December 28 to January 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your finances are good and fucked. You spent a ton of money this holiday season, and you haven’t slowed down. If you don’t get yourself under control, you’ll be crying for months. Start by eliminating solid food. It costs a lot of money. Next, stop buying Skyy and Grey Goose. Stick with rotgut vodka until your bank balance looks up. Good luck!

Taurus, you’ll finish an important project this week. Don’t be shy to brag! Modesty will get you nowhere, and if you start muttering about how “it was nothing,” people will think you’re a douche. An Aquarius will ask you to be Designated Driver at New Year. Consider it a compliment, and graciously accept. Stay away from lottery kiosks, fruit, depilatories, and Kool-Aid.

That person you met in June is starting to annoy you, Gemini. As your relationship falls apart, another person steps in to console you. Don’t misread this as poaching; your new friend isn’t into you at all, and really just wants to mooch your Jack Daniel’s. The next few months will be frivolous and shallow, just the way you like.

Cancer, you’re in for a harmonious week. Communication is excellent with partners and friends; work is productive; your ideas are irresistible; and the stars aren’t calling for any bar fights. You have the boss’s ear at work, so speak up about what you want. (Leave the flask of Absolut at home.) A Pisces might give you flowers.

Leo, there’s a creepy Sagittarius hanging around. Stay sober around this weirdo. You can, however, get loaded with Aquarians. You’ll experience wild mood swings as you party with them, however; everyone knows Aquarians are constantly lit up on vodka and vermouth, and they tend to lurch drunkenly into other people’s horoscopes.

Virgo, you’re being goaded by Aries and Aquarius types. They want you to mix up a great big batch of this:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 2 cups white wine
  • 2 cups lager
  • 1 cup blackcurrant liqueur

Hurry up and mix it, because a Pisces is going to try to talk you out of it.

Libra, take the week off work and consume nothing but vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and Blue Curacao. Friends will drop in unexpectedly; when they see what you’re mixing, they’ll stay. This means that if you’re wearing a thong, you should put some pants on over it, just to be polite. February looks good for love, and you don’t want to scare anyone off.

You had some troubles in October, Scorpio, but things are looking better. Continue to avoid conflict, and chill out if colleagues are being lazy at work. Everything is going to improve in January, although the voices in your head might get louder. They’re asking for Grand Marnier with coffee and chocolate sprinkles.

Sagittarius, you’re entering an extra-happy phase. Only do those things you feel like doing. Make some artwork, play games, and speak your mind. A Cancer figures prominently…a crazy drinking buddy on a scale you haven’t experienced before. Who on earth would frappé red wine, Coke, tequila, bananas, raisins, and champagne? You might, this week.

Remy Martin and Mountain Dew, Capricorn—that’s what this week has in store for you, along with family cuddles, and one or two late (and weird) Christmas gifts. You are very precise at Sudoku and crosswords, even while gooned. This is very special indeed, but don’t be tempted to think your driving will be similarly enhanced this week. No car keys for you!

Aquarius, you wander in and out of a lot of other astrological signs’ lives this week, mostly being a nuisance, but also inspiring them to break out the Bacardi. Try not to panhandle outside the liquor store; better opportunities are coming up in January. Watch out for Scorpios; one of them wants to take you to an Anthony Robbins seminar.

Pisces, get ready for a week of sexy talk, or at least some graphic descriptions of potentially sexy things. What that means the stars won’t be specific about; we all know how stupid the stars are and that if we’re being honest they are just massive balls of gas exploding in space. If you listen to them, they say: apply for a loan, have a big party, give some flowers to a Cancer, and volunteer to be Designated Driver at New Year. Someone has to do it. Rent a bus and be a pal to all your friends.