ASTROLIQUOR for December 28 to January 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your finances are good and fucked. You spent a ton of money this holiday season, and you haven’t slowed down. If you don’t get yourself under control, you’ll be crying for months. Start by eliminating solid food. It costs a lot of money. Next, stop buying Skyy and Grey Goose. Stick with rotgut vodka until your bank balance looks up. Good luck!

Taurus, you’ll finish an important project this week. Don’t be shy to brag! Modesty will get you nowhere, and if you start muttering about how “it was nothing,” people will think you’re a douche. An Aquarius will ask you to be Designated Driver at New Year. Consider it a compliment, and graciously accept. Stay away from lottery kiosks, fruit, depilatories, and Kool-Aid.

That person you met in June is starting to annoy you, Gemini. As your relationship falls apart, another person steps in to console you. Don’t misread this as poaching; your new friend isn’t into you at all, and really just wants to mooch your Jack Daniel’s. The next few months will be frivolous and shallow, just the way you like.

Cancer, you’re in for a harmonious week. Communication is excellent with partners and friends; work is productive; your ideas are irresistible; and the stars aren’t calling for any bar fights. You have the boss’s ear at work, so speak up about what you want. (Leave the flask of Absolut at home.) A Pisces might give you flowers.

Leo, there’s a creepy Sagittarius hanging around. Stay sober around this weirdo. You can, however, get loaded with Aquarians. You’ll experience wild mood swings as you party with them, however; everyone knows Aquarians are constantly lit up on vodka and vermouth, and they tend to lurch drunkenly into other people’s horoscopes.

Virgo, you’re being goaded by Aries and Aquarius types. They want you to mix up a great big batch of this:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 2 cups white wine
  • 2 cups lager
  • 1 cup blackcurrant liqueur

Hurry up and mix it, because a Pisces is going to try to talk you out of it.

Libra, take the week off work and consume nothing but vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and Blue Curacao. Friends will drop in unexpectedly; when they see what you’re mixing, they’ll stay. This means that if you’re wearing a thong, you should put some pants on over it, just to be polite. February looks good for love, and you don’t want to scare anyone off.

You had some troubles in October, Scorpio, but things are looking better. Continue to avoid conflict, and chill out if colleagues are being lazy at work. Everything is going to improve in January, although the voices in your head might get louder. They’re asking for Grand Marnier with coffee and chocolate sprinkles.

Sagittarius, you’re entering an extra-happy phase. Only do those things you feel like doing. Make some artwork, play games, and speak your mind. A Cancer figures prominently…a crazy drinking buddy on a scale you haven’t experienced before. Who on earth would frappé red wine, Coke, tequila, bananas, raisins, and champagne? You might, this week.

Remy Martin and Mountain Dew, Capricorn—that’s what this week has in store for you, along with family cuddles, and one or two late (and weird) Christmas gifts. You are very precise at Sudoku and crosswords, even while gooned. This is very special indeed, but don’t be tempted to think your driving will be similarly enhanced this week. No car keys for you!

Aquarius, you wander in and out of a lot of other astrological signs’ lives this week, mostly being a nuisance, but also inspiring them to break out the Bacardi. Try not to panhandle outside the liquor store; better opportunities are coming up in January. Watch out for Scorpios; one of them wants to take you to an Anthony Robbins seminar.

Pisces, get ready for a week of sexy talk, or at least some graphic descriptions of potentially sexy things. What that means the stars won’t be specific about; we all know how stupid the stars are and that if we’re being honest they are just massive balls of gas exploding in space. If you listen to them, they say: apply for a loan, have a big party, give some flowers to a Cancer, and volunteer to be Designated Driver at New Year. Someone has to do it. Rent a bus and be a pal to all your friends.

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