Kahlua

11 Liqueurs Your Coffee Mug is Crying Out For

My Fellow Inebriates,

The cat likes it too.

For anybody who isn’t in retail, this is a lazy week. And what’s the best way to start a lazy day? Why, a booze/coffee combo. Even if you’re about to get on the bus for work, a little shot of something in your java can mellow out your morning in the very best way. And it’s a great way to delay any workout resolutions—it’s pretty hard to get through an aerobics class with a headful of crème de menthe. Working out is for next year. There’s precious little time left in 2011 to drink.

So what shall we pour?

We’ve got a zillion choices, so let’s break it down.

Chocolate liqueurs. A natural with coffee, these elixirs include crème de cacao, Godiva white chocolate, and a host of flavored variants that morph coffee from a workaday wake-up tool to an earth-shattering tango in the mouth. Yes, do it! Pour Mozart into your coffee (better still, pour a small amount of coffee into your Mozart) and start your day on a high. Have to work? Take your flask on the bus. Mmmmmmmm.

Fruit liqueurs. From orchard to pineapple grove, these products delight and surprise. But will they work in your coffee? Absolutely! Think Cointreau or Malibu or—for sporting tastebuds—Midori melon or Limoncello. It’s not gross; it’s breakfast, and it will make your day better.

Honey liqueurs. Honey and coffee are another natural pair, so up the ante by adding Drambuie or Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. You’ve nowhere to go, right?

Too strong to drink without alcohol.

Coffee liqueurs. Coffee + Coffee = Yum. Especially if your parents make nuclear coffee the way mine do. When a spoon can stand up in your coffee, there’s no point trying to make something stand out in it. Add some Kahlua, Tia Maria or Starbucks.

Flower liqueurs. I dare you to add one of these weird things to your coffee: Crème de Rose, Lavender Liqueur, or Shan Hibiscus. Why not? You know I would.

Nutty liqueurs. These do the dance with coffee better than most liqueurs, and you may need some to help you recover from your lavender experiment. Frangelico, Amaretto, Peanut Lolita—all of these are go-for-takeoff.

Whiskey liqueurs. Sometimes you just want the taste of booze in your coffee. Wild Turkey, Irish Mist, Glenturret liqueur are all good add-ins when you just want a hit but you feel too socially constrained to drink the stuff straight.

Bust out and wear a dress.

Cream liqueurs. If you normally add cream to your coffee, these are a logical substitute. Booze manufacturers make cream of everything. Some Dulce de Leche? Mmmm. Heather Cream? No doubt. Any of the Irish cream array? You bet your widening ass. Tequila Rose? I probably get to keep that for myself 😉

Berry liqueurs. Weird alone, never mind with coffee, these are a must-serve when your guests have stayed the night after New Year’s and you just want them to get the hell out.

Anise liqueurs. As natural as these are with coffee in many areas of the world, Ouzo java might knock you out with its shocking heaviness and ineradicable aftertaste. Also good for giving sleepover guests the heave-ho.

Herbal liqueurs. You thought Pernod and Crème de Cassis were weird with coffee? Try Jagermeister in your mug. Or Minttu (peppermint). How about Everglo (tequila/vodka/caffeine/ginseng)? Whoa! I love these drinks when I have absolutely no other options.

When in doubt and all else fails, add Southern Comfort. Ahhhhhh.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 9-15

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are feeling flush. You have lots of time to get drunk, but remember to leave your car at home, because wherever you go, there will be a breathalyzer test near you. This is important, because Aries people sometimes think they can get away with all kinds of shit. You wouldn’t think that, would you? Try something cool and different: Shochu for you.

Taurus, the stars are telling you to be a lazy douche this week. If that sounds like you, then find someone else to make new and exciting drinks for you—someone with patience…someone who can make buttered rum from scratch. You have to be nice to this person though, or the deal’s off.

Your emotions are a roller coaster, Gemini. People think you’re a meth-head; you’re so manic you can’t sit down. What you need is a project: Malibu jello shots. Find some peach or passionfruit Jell-O and substitute Malibu for one of the cups of water. You’ll have to wait for it to set a bit, but you can use this time to drain the Malibu bottle.

You have formidable emotions to harness this week, Cancer. Your mission is to subdue your inner crybaby and get happy. Try meeting new people who don’t know anything about you. With new people you have a clean slate—they won’t get so angry when you barf white rum all over them.

You’ve been too mature lately, Leo, so it’s time to get silly. You should mix a ridiculous cocktail and take it to work. I’m thinking vodka, creme de bananes, and amaretto. If people ask you why the spreadsheet isn’t adding up, moon them.

The universe is trying to create peace in your life, Virgo, but it can’t because you’re always trying to take charge. Ease up with a beach-style drink: equal parts watermelon schnapps, blue curacao, and triple sec. You’ve been too controlling, so you need to drink this until you lose all control.

Libra, whatever negativity you’ve been hanging on to, you need to let go of it now! It’s time to be positive and live in the moment. Whip up some pink lemonade with some Canadian Club, ice, and a little water; add Cool Whip and froth it up some more. Make yourself a Cool Whip beard.

Scorpio, later in the week you’ll need to be careful with facts and figures, but for now it’s playtime—equal parts Tia Maria and rum, shaken with pineapple juice and ice. Although I always recommend taking mixtures like this outside in a flask, this is a bad week for it. People will mess with you and put you on the wrong bus unconscious, so you should hang in.

Sagittarius, you mustn’t trust your own judgment this week. Let others tell you what to do. I’m going to start by recommending this crazy Root Beer Float. Look into my eyes! Do it! Combine Smirnoff, Cuervo, Galliano, Kahlua, cream, and Coca-Cola! What the hell this has to do with root beer I don’t know, but the cops will be taking a full report after your revved-up evening.

You’re in for an insane week, Capricorn. You’ll barely be able to duck when things get thrown at you (and you know how helpful alcohol is with agility). But it really is hopeless, so drink up anyway, and start early. Coffee’s pretty boring without Kahlua and creme de cacao in it.

Your powers are returning to you, Aquarius, and you are both magnetic and intimidating. Others will watch your exploits with admiration—in fact, you’ve never been so influential. Therefore this is the only week, perhaps, that you can get away with drinking Jagermeister and Southern Comfort openly at work. YEAH! Mix it up with some tonic. Your coworkers will be fawning over you.

Pisces, you need to speak up when people do you wrong. Sometimes that’s hard, but a little alcohol might loosen you up enough to express yourself. This week calls for sweet, soothing concoctions. Here’s an idea:

  • 1 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 2 oz Frangelico
  • 1 oz cream
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1/3 cup peanut butter

Got a big martini shaker? Shake this like crazy with ice so it doesn’t come out chunky. A lot of ingredients, eh? How will you find them all in jail?

Dolly, Dolly…

My Fellow Inebriates,

I actually overheard the following as one of my parents left: “I’m just getting groceries, nothing else. If that batshit crazy bear wants anything, it’s out of luck.”

“It’s”!!

Well, of course I wanted things. I had a list. It’s pouring rain outside, and I had a really cozy idea: Kahlua and butterscotch schnapps stirred into hot milk. Yum, right?

Okay, so I’d personally leave out the milk, but the concoction as described above is a good idea.  It’s so warming and romantic, so good for curling up by the fire.

Admittedly it’s something I dreamt up to lure my girlfriend back to me.

You’re probably remembering I told you about Dolly, and that she doesn’t like being called my girlfriend. She’s all human, she insists, and has decided to curb whatever fetishistic desires led to these pictures:

But I can’t help wondering, couldn’t a tummyful of coffee/butterscotch liqueurs couple nicely with a brainful of alcohol to effect a reconciliation? How many drinks would it take for her to stop calling me “mangy,” “infantile,” and “paranoid”? …

I just asked her and she said ten. But how can I get my parents to do my liquor shopping?