humor

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 10-16—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Communication comes easily to you this week, Aries. You find it easy to formulate your thoughts, but too bad you don’t have anybody to talk to. Try making friends with some coworkers. Okay, so they don’t think you’re a team player; they don’t understand how you can be overbearing and lazy.  Sounds like you need both a chill-out drink and a pick-me-up. Why not both? Pour Absolut peach into an energy drink and take it to work.

Taurus, one of your biggest talents is evading responsibility, but this week you can’t get away with it. All those nasty little jobs you’ve been putting off are building up, and they’re not going to go away. So you’ll have to find a way to make them fun. Try house-cleaning naked, if you don’t usually do it that way. Put on some music and blend up a big pitcher of something unusual to get you through it. I like this recipe (especially if one of the things you’ve been avoiding is absinthe):

  • 3 oz absinthe
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 12 oz sweet-and-sour mix
  • 1 cup water
  • lemon juice to taste

Shake it up with ice. If you already like absinthe you might wish to leave out the last four ingredients.

You are gradually getting a handle on what you want in life, Gemini, which should boost your confidence. By the end of April you should have your inner self figured out, and superficiality will rule your life again. New gadgets will beckon to you—cell phones, tablets, a new car! Just remember, if you spend the money on these things, you will not have it for Bacardi products. Pour yourself equal parts white and dark rum, throw some passion-fruit syrup into it, and talk yourself off the ledge.

The past is still bugging you, Cancer, and this week you’re reliving your childhood, wondering whether all those beatings were necessary. You might need until May to figure out that your dad was a dink (or not). The verdict should bring you balance and peace of mind. Time to celebrate! Get out the vodka (currant-flavored), add some tonic and grape juice plus a splash of grenadine, then pound about half a dozen. Call your dad.

Leo, you’re so good at cheering other people up, but it’s not always a good idea to cheer them up with sex. April brings stalkers, and they will complicate your life. Thus drinking alone is best. I see you with your own bottle of vodka, a few lime wedges, and some grenadine, and loving it.

Don’t be shy, Virgo. People around you are onto you; they know you’re interesting and they will listen to you. This is a perfect week to have a party…what about a Weird Drinks party? You know vodka’s always a good base, so into the punchbowl with the Absolut. Next? Apple schnapps! Banana schnapps! Tropical juice (how about watermelon or strawberry?)…then (hmmm) cherry Kool-Aid. Never forget how to be interesting.

Libra, you are full of confidence this week. You feel loved, and the little stuff isn’t bothering you one bit. Even the irritating people at work are easy to ignore. This is the pay-off for letting go of the past. But you still have a bunch of stuff—physical stuff. Whenever you try to purge your house, you get sentimental, and there you are among your old newspaper stacks. Get drunk enough not to care, then throw that shit out. Jagermeister and Coke, damn it.

There’s a Libra bothering you, Scorpio. Annoying the hell out of you, in fact, and this person will not take the hint to back off. It’s because of that time the two of you shared a liter of Everclear mixed with two flavors of Kool-Aid and some Orange Crush. This person thought you were bonding, but you just wanted to make him/her invisible. You don’t know what to do, so this might continue for a while.

Sagittarius, you’ll charm the pants off everyone this week. You’re happy-go-lucky and tolerant—no judgment from you. With this kind of charisma you’ll be an adept manipulator, but try not to. Take that crazy Libra who’s stalking Scorpio. You could lure that person with some Jagermeister and DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker Schnapps. But then you’d be the one with a stalker.

You’re going to shine this week, Capricorn. And when you look this good, people ask for help. All kinds of people will take up your time, and you’ll help them unreservedly. But it’s tiring you out, and you’re neglecting your own needs. Before you reach your breaking point, tune these supplicants out and hole up with some Captain Morgan spiced rum. Throw some cinnamon schnapps into it and enjoy it alone.

Aquarius, you have a Leo admirer who wants you to perform. Ordinarily you’re pretty good at maintaining your detachment, but this Leo is persuasive! Once you let go of your inhibitions, this liaison may last into August if not longer. So toss those inhibitions. (The best method is alcohol—Southern Comfort for you.)

Pisces, you’re willing to help anyone who asks, but be careful what they ask for. (You don’t want to end up in jail again.) Mainly you need to protect your health and not let anyone tire you out with requests. Seriously! You’re having some bowel flare-ups, and you don’t need the stress of doing other people’s errands. Maintain your boundaries, then relax with some cognac.

Broker’s Gin—Part 7! And 6:00pm is my normal wake-up time!

OMG, Martin Dawson of Broker’s Gin phoned our house yesterday, and do you think my mum bothered to wake me up? No!!! She blundered through the phone call on her own, trying in vain to sound less hick-like, no doubt audibly intimidated by the cultured British voice on the other end of the line. She did not even consider waking me. Of course we would have had to set up a Skype connection so I could gesture (my usual mode unless my thoughts are being channeled directly), which I’m sure Martin wouldn’t have minded.

I demanded to know why she hadn’t roused me for this important call, to which she responded: “Well, it’s fairly normal to be up by 6:00 p.m., so I assumed you were lurking around the empties and I didn’t want to disturb you.”

Good grief! My mother knows how long I’ve been chatting up Julia Gale, the Business Development Manager at Broker’s Gin, and that I had every intention of organizing a drunken get-together with that fine company’s owners when they flew into Vancouver to meet with the BC Liquor Board. This aim, which my mum describes as “both squalid and naïve,” has been my treasured wish for several months.

What a time for my mother to try to handle a social task. She actually thought Martin was her uncle at first and immediately adopted the daft tone she always does when she encounters an English accent. She didn’t even bother asking where I could get a small bowler hat.

More importantly, I had no chance to reassure Martin that I haven’t been getting too fresh with Julia. Although she’s disclosed some amazing things about herself, including a penchant for gyrating frenetically to the B-52s, she has not taken my suggestion that we decide upon a mutual safe word. I wanted to reassure Martin, just in case he’s worried that I might encourage Julia to run off to Canada to explore her animalistic side, that my intentions are light-hearted. I thought I would tell him about my Plenty of Fish profile, since it demonstrates my pursuit of more realistic love options.

Today I viewed the user names of women POF recommends as a good fit:

PinkHubbaBubba

monogamysucks

naughtykelly

plzme69xxx

MadameSadist (!!!)

PumaontheLoose

ButterMe

letsfuch69

OMG!! This actually frightened and depressed me. No wonder my user name hasn’t been flushed out of the system. What’s a “LiquorstoreBear” among all these horny, 69ing dominatrices?

But are they real people?

Like any company that trades in big promises, Plenty of Fish has its share of haters (for example, PLENTYOFFISHSUCKS!). Negative reports include:

  • Male profiles being deleted prematurely because POF uses its higher female proportion as a lure for male members (which sounds sort of contradictory, doesn’t it?)
  • Match-ups with drug addicts, psychotics and stalkers who—even after being reported—remain in the POF system
  • Inaccurate photos (almost a given)
  • Response rate of less than 3% from potential dates
  • Populated by attention seekers of both genders looking to get as many responses as possible instead of actually using the site for dating
  • Rife with sexist stereotypes while objectifying women (“Find Hundreds of Big Busty Women Who Are Attractive, Fun and Aggressive”—Yikes!!)
  • Generally hurtful to the self-esteem

I’ve had fun bouncing around POF this week, but I’m beginning to feel a bit soiled. Check out these insights directed at women (if any) seeking to seduce me:

You may be tempted to be as impulsive as Liquorstore Bear can sometimes be.

Liquorstore Bear may well push your own boundaries or comfort level. So… Don’t engage in anything you may regret, whether it’s too soon, too risqué, or too… Do show tolerance and maintain a healthy sense of adventure.

Don’t assume that Liquorstore Bear, who may be a bit neurotic or narcissistic in nature, is 100% into you and only you.

Playing a little “hard to get” and pacing your interactions can actually heighten arousal and desire.

(Fabulous! Way to reinforce one of the stupidest dating myths ever!)

Far more useful:

My favorite conversation topics:

    1. alcohol
    2. wine
    3. scotch

My least favorite conversation topics:

    1. work
    2. jobs
    3. employment

At least those are all true.

Still, it’s a little hurtful to see that nobody wants to get with this.

My mum says I’d have a better shot at love if I went for a washing-machine ride. I am still really mad at her, though, so it’s a no go.

Looking for the hair of the dog? Try MAUDITE

My Fellow Inebriates,

The kids are fascinated by bottlecaps and were on the verge of fighting over the lone one they found on the counter this morning, which came off a bottle of MAUDITE, a Quebeçois offering from Unibroue, makers of TROIS PISTOLES. Four-year-old Miss V was so heartbroken when Miss P seized it that she said very earnestly to our parents:

“I just wish you guys could have a beer.”

My kind of kid! I certainly was wishing for a beer at that matutinal moment, hurting as I was from a Friday night of drunken revelry that began with MAUDITE, progressed through a very nice bottle of Spanish wine, and culminated with BOWMORE 12 and a small amount of vomiting.

My parents don’t often cut loose, but the stars lined up for me last night. They’d been stressed out all week by work, transportation, medical and dental issues, and then my newest friend Robert showed up bearing booze.

Catching the aroma

Lest you think our family unwholesome I should mention the kids were safely tucked into bed before the wine was finished and the whiskey came out. No one blacked out except me, and Robert stayed the night in our guest room instead of mowing down pedestrians or planting his car in a ditch.

Going from grain to grape to grain is risky business, or so they say. But who are “they” and do they know what they’re talking about?

Not Robert or my dad, but having more fun than both

Thank goodness for ibuprofen or I wouldn’t have managed to research the topic. Ninety-five percent of what I found on mixing grain-based and grape-based alcohol was purely anecdotal, but at last I found an interesting study in which three Melbourne lads (presumably of similar build) volunteered to get drunk at a bar.

Prior to heading out, each had his blood sampled for C-reactive protein (CRP), a marker for inflammation, the partial culprit in a hangover. Then:

  • Ben drank white wine all evening.
  • Justin confined himself to beer.
  • Brad drank both white wine and beer.

The next morning all had blood tests again.

The verdict?

Only Ben, who drank white wine exclusively, showed evidence of a bad-ass hangover, with a CRP jump from 1.5 to 1.9. The other two guys’ CRP levels actually went down (from 0.4 to 0.3 for Justin and 1.2 to 1.1 for Brad).

Dr. Jeffrey Wiese

This seems to dispel the theory that mixing drinks leads to worse hangovers. Dr. Jeffrey Wiese of Tulane University, who analyzed the blood-test results, agreed, adding that if mixing drinks leads to hangovers it’s because when people do so they tend to drink more alcohol in total. Congeners—impurities found in darker drinks such as rum and red wine—are the more probable culprits. If Justin and Brad had enjoyed dark drinks all evening, they probably would have needed ibuprofen the next day.

If they’d been drinking MAUDITE instead of Foster’s Lager (the way I picture it), their CRP levels might well have increased as their wine-drinking buddy’s did. MAUDITE is a deep and hazy coppery brown with a liquorstorebear-colored, persistent head. Its aroma is ripe, floral and orchard-like. On the tongue fruitiness emerges with complexity—a touch of spice, a suggestion of grassland and some background coriander perhaps. It’s dry and complicated—hard to put your paw on which flavors are which as they merge in splendid balance.

MAUDITE has an extraordinary mouthfeel and a mellow smoothness that effectively conveys its 8% alcohol to your liver without seeming very boozy. It’s a real creeper that way and could land you on your ass if you drink several without checking the label.

I wonder what Dr. Jeffrey Wiese would think of MAUDITE. The winner of 21 international medals, MAUDITE is bottle-fermented, and its higher alcohol content acts as a natural preservative, so I wouldn’t implicate it as a big hangover beer because it seems less likely to be the toxic soup of congeners that so many cheap beers are.

My parents should take little Miss V’s suggestion and crack a MAUDITE right now. We all have wretched hangovers to address, and this wonderfully complex brew would probably solve the mutual problem. And then Miss V would have her very own bottlecap.

I love the kids but they have no idea how loud their voices are today. Still, they wouldn’t judge us for embracing the hair of the dog.

But my parents are boring, my mum especially so. (She didn’t even like MAUDITE! What a philistine.)