My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Communication comes easily to you this week, Aries. You find it easy to formulate your thoughts, but too bad you don’t have anybody to talk to. Try making friends with some coworkers. Okay, so they don’t think you’re a team player; they don’t understand how you can be overbearing and lazy. Sounds like you need both a chill-out drink and a pick-me-up. Why not both? Pour Absolut peach into an energy drink and take it to work.
Taurus, one of your biggest talents is evading responsibility, but this week you can’t get away with it. All those nasty little jobs you’ve been putting off are building up, and they’re not going to go away. So you’ll have to find a way to make them fun. Try house-cleaning naked, if you don’t usually do it that way. Put on some music and blend up a big pitcher of something unusual to get you through it. I like this recipe (especially if one of the things you’ve been avoiding is absinthe):
- 3 oz absinthe
- 3 oz triple sec
- 12 oz sweet-and-sour mix
- 1 cup water
- lemon juice to taste
Shake it up with ice. If you already like absinthe you might wish to leave out the last four ingredients.
You are gradually getting a handle on what you want in life, Gemini, which should boost your confidence. By the end of April you should have your inner self figured out, and superficiality will rule your life again. New gadgets will beckon to you—cell phones, tablets, a new car! Just remember, if you spend the money on these things, you will not have it for Bacardi products. Pour yourself equal parts white and dark rum, throw some passion-fruit syrup into it, and talk yourself off the ledge.
The past is still bugging you, Cancer, and this week you’re reliving your childhood, wondering whether all those beatings were necessary. You might need until May to figure out that your dad was a dink (or not). The verdict should bring you balance and peace of mind. Time to celebrate! Get out the vodka (currant-flavored), add some tonic and grape juice plus a splash of grenadine, then pound about half a dozen. Call your dad.
Leo, you’re so good at cheering other people up, but it’s not always a good idea to cheer them up with sex. April brings stalkers, and they will complicate your life. Thus drinking alone is best. I see you with your own bottle of vodka, a few lime wedges, and some grenadine, and loving it.
Don’t be shy, Virgo. People around you are onto you; they know you’re interesting and they will listen to you. This is a perfect week to have a party…what about a Weird Drinks party? You know vodka’s always a good base, so into the punchbowl with the Absolut. Next? Apple schnapps! Banana schnapps! Tropical juice (how about watermelon or strawberry?)…then (hmmm) cherry Kool-Aid. Never forget how to be interesting.
Libra, you are full of confidence this week. You feel loved, and the little stuff isn’t bothering you one bit. Even the irritating people at work are easy to ignore. This is the pay-off for letting go of the past. But you still have a bunch of stuff—physical stuff. Whenever you try to purge your house, you get sentimental, and there you are among your old newspaper stacks. Get drunk enough not to care, then throw that shit out. Jagermeister and Coke, damn it.
There’s a Libra bothering you, Scorpio. Annoying the hell out of you, in fact, and this person will not take the hint to back off. It’s because of that time the two of you shared a liter of Everclear mixed with two flavors of Kool-Aid and some Orange Crush. This person thought you were bonding, but you just wanted to make him/her invisible. You don’t know what to do, so this might continue for a while.
Sagittarius, you’ll charm the pants off everyone this week. You’re happy-go-lucky and tolerant—no judgment from you. With this kind of charisma you’ll be an adept manipulator, but try not to. Take that crazy Libra who’s stalking Scorpio. You could lure that person with some Jagermeister and DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker Schnapps. But then you’d be the one with a stalker.
You’re going to shine this week, Capricorn. And when you look this good, people ask for help. All kinds of people will take up your time, and you’ll help them unreservedly. But it’s tiring you out, and you’re neglecting your own needs. Before you reach your breaking point, tune these supplicants out and hole up with some Captain Morgan spiced rum. Throw some cinnamon schnapps into it and enjoy it alone.
Aquarius, you have a Leo admirer who wants you to perform. Ordinarily you’re pretty good at maintaining your detachment, but this Leo is persuasive! Once you let go of your inhibitions, this liaison may last into August if not longer. So toss those inhibitions. (The best method is alcohol—Southern Comfort for you.)
Pisces, you’re willing to help anyone who asks, but be careful what they ask for. (You don’t want to end up in jail again.) Mainly you need to protect your health and not let anyone tire you out with requests. Seriously! You’re having some bowel flare-ups, and you don’t need the stress of doing other people’s errands. Maintain your boundaries, then relax with some cognac.