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ASTROLIQUOR for June 29 to July 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

With this weekend comes an urge to cook for friends, Aries. Do your prep sober so you avoid poisoning them (again). Once the table’s spread, anything goes, and you have the choice of a Leo or a Capricorn, both amorously beer-goggled. Make sure their “go” signals are really “go” signals. If you must use questionable judgment, mix two shots banana liqueur and one shot vodka into a glass of Chardonnay. Repeat until you negate the danger of being an annoyance. Sleep it off where no one will trip over you.

Taurus, thanks to memory dropouts you forgot that your April spending would catch up to you by late June. Now you face Canada and/or Independence Day with an empty bar. OMG, what can you sell? Hurry, you must have some heirlooms or a stamp collection. Get them up on Craig’s List so you can buy some Jagermeister, rum, and bourbon. Then do what any patriot would do: shake ’em up together and pour into an ice-filled cocktail glass.

You’ve blown all your renovation money on Southern Comfort, Gemini, but you can still buy a couple of small items to brighten your space. Even a can of touch-up paint would help dress up those drunken dents in the wall. Never mind how difficult it is to get Blue Curacao out of the rug! Be cheerful about the little fix-it purchases. When you’re done you can invite friends for another house-wrecker.

If you take somebody out for lunch, Cancer, it might turn into a liquid lunch. Self-discipline is curiously elusive—these days you’re waking up to a sherry/pernod/vermouth mouthwash, and food just absorbs it, allowing you to drink more. Still, a social meal might rekindle an important friendship, especially on Saturday. Keep an eye on this person; pernod goggles are even more powerful than beer goggles. My girlfriend Dolly says she needs a lot of pernod to “keep me in focus.”

Leo, you’re watching a lot of porn without considering real-life relationships. Try not to conflate the two—no one’s really going to deliver you a pizza in a thong. (Well, you might be wearing a thong.) Dating possibilities include a Gemini, a Sagittarius, and a fellow Leo, none of whom will approach you wearing a thong. Try getting to know them. Don’t just liquor them up with banana and peach schnapps. Give the schnapps to any bears you encounter, especially if they’re wearing thongs.

This is the best week in ages for friendship, Virgo, offering the chance to mend old misunderstandings and get back an old drinking buddy. Ask yourself what the conflict was originally about. Can you even remember? Chances are it was insignificant, although it may have involved nudity. Fact is, you don’t remember. You were hammered at the time on vodka, Kahlua, and Guinness—pounded from a 2L Coke bottle.

Libra, concentration comes with great difficulty this week. Your many personal troubles include a brewing identity crisis that may prompt a domino-like tumble of your values. If you’re a carnivore, you may renounce meat. If you’re a vegetarian, you may get naked and start chowing down on another homeless person’s face. Try getting out more often, and if you do get a meat craving, here’s your drink:

  • 5 oz vodka
  • 6 oz beef bouillon
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • Tabasco to taste
  • Worcestershire to taste
  • Celery salt to taste

The stars are happy for you this week, Scorpio. The revolving door keeps delivering funny, entertaining visitors bearing drinks, music, and tasty gossip. Day and night they will regale you, but mind an enigmatic-looking Pisces, possibly wearing black. This person is deep. You’ll have conversations you remember forever—unless you get out of hand with the brandy and creme de cacao.

Sagittarius, you’re still under pressure this week, negotiating heavily at work and in your private financial world. You’re unusually assertive and decisive; security personnel leave you alone at airports, and for a change no one tries to put you in handcuffs. Could it be liquid confidence? Who knows what your blood alcohol level is, but if you’re ever going to attempt 10 amaretto shooters, this is the week.

Until mid-August you can expect a charmed life, Capricorn. Friends flock to you, instinctively recognizing the merriment that follows a happy person. Shake some gin up with Red Bull and pour everyone a round. You’re giving them energy, which means they have to entertain you. Enjoy it for now, because one of them might sue you in August.

Aquarius, take stock of your life this week. Honestly ask yourself: have you lost interest in your goals? Perhaps you’ve changed; maybe you’ve matured. Should you redefine your priorities and take a different path? Or are you just too drunk to be on a path at all? With all that Jack Daniel’s in your system, that might be it. Ask yourself in the morning.

Pisces, if you have any important decisions looming, you might want to wait a  while. The stars are being dickish again, serving up lashings of pessimism until August. The stars are so negative about finances and negotiations for July that they insist you hole up with the biggest supply of Malibu and Crown Royal you can muster. Wait out this bad patch on the bathroom floor, clinging to the toilet to stop the room spinning. When August comes, consider going into politics.

20 tell-tale symptoms you’re in an alcoholic abyss

This week my parents announced a drying-out period of indefinite length, initiated (in their case) for budgetary reasons and (in my case) because they are sadists.

Oh, there may have been some financial grounds. Most Canadian families spend 1.8% of their monthly budget on liquor, and my parents see this area as “trimmable.” Obscenely, they want to trim to below 1%. And just to ensure they reach the target, they’re not buying any booze right now. OMG!

After I spent an afternoon fruitlessly tweeting to various booze producers in BC, a very dark sadness came over me. I tried to cheer up by watching Dexter murder somebody, but I was preoccupied. Symptoms were creeping over me.

Holy crap, my fellow inebriates, have you ever tried to dry out before? If the idea fills you with as much horror as it does me, you might want to do this quiz.

Alcohol Withdrawal Quiz

  1. Do you get the shakes?
  2. Do you feel anxious?
  3. Do you feel nervous or jumpy?
  4. Do you get irritated or easily excited?

Maybe it’s just the DTs talking, but these four questions seem to ask the same thing, to which the answer is Yes, damn it. But let’s qualify things. I live in a house where any minute I might get ambushed by kids. They might slap a leash on me or chain me to a bed. They might give me a bath. They might introduce me to the next-door neighbor’s dogs. Liquored-up or not, I live in a state of constant anxiety.

  1. Do you feel depressed or fatigued?
  2. Do you have difficulty thinking clearly?
  3. Do you experience rapid emotional changes?

Yes to all four. But these are drying-out answers, not the usual answers, when everything is in boozy equilibrium. How can anyone be fatigued when they have 18 hours a day to sleep off benders? How can anyone be depressed with a fresh influx of alcohol? As for thinking clearly, did I ever, people? Just read one or two blog posts and you’ll see the answer is no. And yes, damn it, some profound emotional changes might ensue when you cut an animal off from the only thing it ever consumes.

  1. Do you get a headache?
  2. Do your face or hands sweat?
  3. Do you experience nausea or vomiting?
  4. Do you have trouble sleeping?
  5. Do you experience a rapid heart rate?
  6. Does your skin feel clammy?
  7. Are your hands tremulous?
  8. Does your body make involuntary movements?

These questions assume a different physiology from my own peculiar one. Do I get headaches? Sometimes I’m not even aware I have a head. I’m kind of like the tree that falls down in the forest when nobody’s listening. What am I doing when nobody’s around? Probably staring at the wall and/or getting my 18 hours of sleep (with my eyes open, they tell me).

Question 9 did make me curious about whether wild bears are supposed to sweat. Like dogs, they lack sweat glands except on their noses and tongues, so they suffer during the summer, seeking out streams and shady areas, not to mention panting. The more civilized ones pour a gin & tonic, unless their parents have decided to be assholes.

Tenderheart Bear

The family would be very surprised to find bear vomit around the house, although my friend Scarybear insists he leaves his scat out in the garden and that when the kids dig in the flower beds, that’s what they’re handling. I don’t know if Scary’s delusional about this or not, but he also thinks the Earth is reversing its magnetic field this week. Neither of us is clammy unless we get thrown in the toilet, and if I said we had hearts, well, you might equate us with Care Bears and want to exterminate us.

Involuntary movements are the norm at LBHQ. Most of what we bears are involved in is involuntary.

  1. Do you become confused?
  2. Do you have hallucinations?

Ahh, back to the brain. “Become” confused? That would imply having not been confused in the past. So the answer is no.

I have plenty of hallucinations and even get accused of having them when I’m not. I’m hoping Fluffy is a hallucination.

  1. Do you feel like you have a fever?
  2. Do you experience convulsions?

Back to physiology. Anyone with a coat of fur would be feverish in the summer. Next. Convulsions are another story. I have to keep those somewhat contained. If I spent the day going into convulsions my parents might decide I was too unwholesome for the kids.

  1. Do you have blackouts or memory loss?

Wha??

And the results. If you haven’t guessed, you get one point for each yes. Add ’em up and you’ve got your score.

What an awesome score!

And if you got 3 or more, welcome to the Pleasuredome.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 22-28—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Time to get your finances in order, Aries—lenders and your boss are looking at you favorably. You might get a raise or even a promotion, but you’ll need some energy to prove yourself. This calls for “flask modification”—switch out the vodka for a Red Bull/cognac combination. You’ll be up for any challenge, and the cognac will make you smell like money, which will attract money. You bet.

Taurus, an unexpected visitor will keep you busy this week. But don’t worry—this Virgo won’t try to turn you into his/her bitch; instead you’ll go on a breathless adventure involving all sorts of new liquor combinations. Have you ever tried a Smeghead? Doesn’t it sound yummy? Your friend will teach you how to make it.(Stock up on Jagermeister and Malibu.)

It’s okay to fall down, Gemini, and it’s absolutely inevitable given the amount of Captain Morgan in your system. Acting on impulse will pay off through most of August. Your memory won’t be the best, though! Make sure you write down all the zany ideas that occur to you while you’re lurching around.

You’ll have a sexy dream this week, Cancer, featuring someone you didn’t even realize was on your mind. Basking in this dream at work, you’ll screw up a whole bunch of accounts and find yourself on the ropes. Oh no! Rein your hormones in or you’ll be escorted out of the building with a cardboard box. I see you pounding Jack Daniels with a macro beer on the floor, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Leo, whether it’s Farmville, Ravenskye, or some other dumb Facebook game, it’s obsessing you these days. These games steal valuable time from you and leave you mentally drained without being edified. You need to switch the program—your program! Your assignment is to get a very large ice-filled container and pour 12 beers into it, a can of frozen lemonade, and half a 26er of gin. Okay, now polish it off. That should break the computer-game cycle.

You have to deal with some bureaucratic douchebaggery this week, Virgo, possibly involving insurance and your insurer’s unwillingness to cover a questionable incident. The stars are pessimistic about the outcome, and you may decide not to continue paying premiums for coverage that’s so readily denied. Use the money to buy brandy and interesting liqueurs like Benedictine. You know—the products that led to the questionable incident in the first place.

Libra, you’re hanging on to negative emotions long after friends had assumed you’d moved on. Try withdrawing from the social scene for a while so you can sort your head out. Sleep in; write your thoughts down; figure out what you need to say to others to free yourself from the negativity. When you’re ready, mix a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch spiked with Bacardi 151, Hypnotiq, and Malibu. Slam the whole thing, then have a confrontation.

You think you know yourself so well, Scorpio, but sometimes you’re mistaken. How much of your life has actually been according to plan? Have you chosen your friends carefully, or have they chosen you? Slow down this summer to reflect on big questions involving friends, career, and relationships. If you listen to the universe, a little impulse will come to you—go with it! It will feature mandarin liqueur, so you should trust where it takes you.

Sagittarius, you have some idiot colleagues who continually screw up and drag you into their mess. You’d think they were the ones who were drunk, but no—it’s you. How do you work competently when you start sipping 151-proof rum for breakfast? You must be very tough, or very lucky. Either way, don’t let your dumbass coworkers get to you. If you dwell on them, you’ll kill your buzz and start fixating on past grief or other negative crap. Add some rye to your rum to maintain your happy state.

Have you ever investigated your family history, Capricorn? Even though you probably don’t want to be like your parents, knowing your past might help you avoid what you consider to be their mistakes. Did they throw raspberry liqueur and amaretto all over their pancakes before work and call it “adventurous cuisine” rather than “drinking at breakfast”? Did they do the grocery shopping hammered on hard cider? You might be just like them, and you should find out. BTW, you’ll get lucky on Thursday when you fall down in the frozen foods aisle.

Aquarius, you may have more money these days, but you’re also spending more and having trouble pacing yourself. In fact, you might be one of those people who needs to be paid daily rather than bi-weekly, just because you’ll immediately blow the cash on Yukon Jack. I know, it’s unreasonable to ease off on the booze, but maybe you could sell your car. You never get to drive it anyway because you’re always pissed.

Pisces, friends are smarting from your criticism and describing you with words like “dick,” “tool,” and “asstard.” Try backing off when you get the impulse to express a negative opinion; give yourself a day to consider the best way to word it constructively. Try listening, letting the other person talk first, and agreeing to disagree. Even if they never taught you these skills in jail, give it a shot. If it’s too much for you, stay home with a blender and some Blue Curacao.