creme de cacao

ASTROLIQUOR for October 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your decision to deliver a giant gift basket of Bailey’s and cherry vodka to a gravely ill friend may not be in good taste. Then again, it might net your friend a steady stream of visitors and help with everyone’s bedside manner. Hospitals don’t have to be creepy. And if you sampled from the basket before you arrived, the creepiest thing in the hospital might be you.

Taurus, the stars have chosen you to be Designated Driver this week. This will alter your social pattern considerably. At first it won’t be easy staying sober. It’ll seem weird being alert. Then you’ll look in your wallet and be like, OMG, look at all that money. I was going to spend that on creme de cacao.

Get serious about finances, Gemini, and track this week’s expenses. The stars favor math for you, which means your spreadsheets will add up (at least before Bloody Mary hour). Consider cutting expenditures by 10 percent…ride your bike; put on a sweater instead of the thermostat; go commando so you don’t have to buy underwear. Speaking of this last bit, Friday looks flirty for you.

Cancer, your stars are talking diet and exercise, food logs, and gym memberships. OMG, they’ve got to be joking, with Canadian Thanksgiving coming up. INSTEAD: Pour four parts bourbon, two parts rum, and one part whipping cream over ice. Ahhh! Keep this to yourself (and your money too; lending is star-crossed this week…although if you lend liquor you will get it back—on your carpet).

Leo, let’s get physical this week. Don’t join a gym, though; if it’s like S_e__ N__h F_____s W_r_d all the machines are covered with old gum and the bathroom door has a four-inch hole in it. Try walking instead of driving. You’ll save a ton of gas money, which you can spend on vodka. No lending money while drunk! You’ll never get your cash back.

Vodka, Pernod, Malibu, Tia Maria, and pineapple juice. If you call this “breakfast,” Virgo, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble remembering where you put a particular item. It’s one of those small, useful items that you need occasionally and don’t want to have to buy again—especially since it’ll turn up as soon as you do, and then you’ll have two (or more if these breakfasts are typical). Search everywhere!

Libra, you’ll suffer some minor Long Island Iced Tea–related bruising this week during a sensational party, from which you’ll stagger home and immediately drop a small appliance on your toe. It will break (the appliance, not your toe) because you’ll have read this horoscope and put on steel-toed boots. In some cultures, dropping things is good luck. In your culture, it means you’re pissed.

In happy contrast to last week, Scorpio, strangers feel like friends and friends feel like family. You’ll make valuable contacts, clear up some debt, and enjoy a flirtation. It doesn’t get much better—unless you add equal parts Drambuie, Napoleon, and Parfait Amour to a really killer Scotch over crushed ice with juice to taste (I’m having “none”).

Sagittarius, your thoughts are spacey and futuristic this week. In a hundred years, how many people will populate the earth? Will your descendants colonize Mars? Will doctors be able to grow a new liver for you? On Saturday a friend joins you, and together you invent something that will change the world. OMG, what’s fueling this creativity? Could it be Malibu?

This is a good week to finish projects, Capricorn. Don’t be anxious; there’s no need to compete with colleagues. You can’t, really, with a brainful of Southern Comfort and vermouth; and they like having you that way in the office because it makes them look good. That’s why they don’t rat you out. After a lovely work week you’ll receive good news about a sick friend. (Do I hear a champagne cork?)

Aquarius, not everyone appreciates your directness. You mustn’t transfer your vodka- and rum-infused insecurities onto colleagues, nor should you use words like “asstard” at board meetings. Not only will you hurt people’s feelings; you’ll incite revenge! If you must tank up on Long Islands at work, try to remain very, very quiet.

Pisces, you’re bucking for an unpaid holiday, but it’s not working. No matter how much incompetence you demonstrate at work, you keep getting pats on the back. This would have been awesome a month ago, but now you’re eligible for unemployment, so ratchet up the misbehavior. Is there an annoying coworker you could pick a fight with? If you need fuel, try dumping a case of Bud Light into a vat of pink lemonade. Add 13 gin shots and put your concoction in the lunch room. Voilà! Cardboard-box time for you.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)

ASTROLIQUOR for March 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re itching to solve a puzzle, Aries. If you’re into paranormal exploration, this is the week for it. So get out that Ouija board and start channeling. Perhaps Fluffy, the possessed bear who is freaking the shit out of me, could join you on Saturday. You guys could break out the vanilla vodka and talk to the dead. And I’d stay home with our Malibu dregs, feeling safer than I’ve felt since he came to live with us.

Taurus, your friends are uncomfortable with you. You’ve been so busy building your career and gathering possessions that you’ve bored the hell out of them. Sort your relationships out with a Malibu party. Ten parts Malibu to 20 parts lime-flavored rum (plus some Blue Curacao to make it pretty) should do it. You’ll have your friends back in no time—reeling and vomiting all over your house.

All your peeps are slacking off, Gemini, and for some reason the lectures are coming easily to you. But be careful—your lack of diplomacy will give you headaches later. People who go on self-righteous streaks should always remain indoors where they can yell at the TV while pounding Bombay Sapphire. Be nice to the pets, though, and consider sharing your gin with them.

All that Everclear in your system is catching up with you, Cancer. Time to switch gears, hit the spa, and—dare I say it—ease off on the liver. If you can stretch that organ out until 2020 or so, you’ll be able to get a spanky new one grown in a lab. As cool as that sounds, you’ll need to make some wise investments so you can afford it. This is a great week to research financial options. (And after a little rest you can start hitting the Everclear/Red Bull/Gatorade shitmix again.)

Leo, your mouth could get you into trouble this week. Remember, you’re not telling a lie if you opt not to say something. I know, it’s very hard to withhold the truth when you’re absolutely hammered. So here’s an unpalatable cocktail that you won’t be able to consume in bulk:

  • 3 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz rootbeer schnapps (yes! they make this stuff)
  • 1/3 oz Goldschlager
  • 1 oz Dr. Pepper

Then again, you might really dig this drink, in which case you’d better drink a LOT of it so you can’t talk at all.

You’re looking good this week, Virgo, and nothing seems to vex you. Colleagues are asking what your secret is. Tell them it’s Smirnoff pear-flavored vodka with a little Chambord that gives you your rosy glow and increases your productivity at work. What better way to get people off your back about the flask?

Libra, the spiritual world is beckoning. Whether you have a chance encounter with a psychic or whether you have a demonic golem like Fluffy in your house, now’s the time to engage with the supernatural. It’s not weird; even the most pragmatic people can benefit from meditation. And if meditation doesn’t help you find your Third Eye, there’s always Smirnoff. Try it with creme de cacao, triple sec, and cream. Ahhhh! Transcendence!

You get a burst of power this week, Scorpio. Now’s the time to control other people and get things done. So confident are you that you’ll arrive late for every single appointment—unapologetic and drunk. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. Drink scotch openly and no one will say a word against you. You are invincible!

Sagittarius, you have a sick friend who needs attention. Be supportive; this friend will rally to your side in the future. Opportunities to be unselfish lead to personal growth, which you desperately need. Although you’ve solidified a reputation as a vodka-swilling slacker, you’re entering a successful phase.

Daydreams capture your imagination, Capricorn, giving your work a semblance of smoothness. But a difficult problem will arise, requiring the support of colleagues to solve it. Oh no! With coworkers going into your file cabinets it will be hard to hide those bottles of JD, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. Better be preemptive and share first. After all, these people might get you promoted. Oh yeah, and one of them wants to have sex with you. Don’t do it! He/she is attached to someone who will seek revenge. Ack!

Aquarius, it’s okay to masturbate in front of the TV, but make sure the blinds are drawn; your neighbors are getting an eyeful. Likewise at the supermarket, bakery, or bus stop—be discreet! Maybe you need some alcohol to keep you out of trouble and dampen your horny impulses. Put Bacardi on your shopping list.

Pisces, your ambitions are on the upswing, as is your love life. You’ll have a brief flirtation this week, followed by some watermelon schnapps madness, but it won’t pan out. Just as well—with the stars supplying plenty of career and educational opportunities this week, small dalliances can only distract you from your path. If you try hard, you can stay out of jail.