captain morgan

ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.

Got a cel? DO IT TONIGHT!

And with that it was over.

Twenty-four heady hours of being Freshly Pressed.

No more LB 😦

😦

Luckily, Captain Morgan posted on my FB page and cheered me up.

I’m thinking, if you guys all do this and post your results in the comments…

And then I create another graphic like this—say, for Broker’s Gin (your prefix please)…and you post your results…

Then all I’ll have to do is figure out the middle three numbers.* And then I can stalk you.

That guttural breather at about 3:00 a.m.?

You’re welcome.

* Odds: 1 in 999 of getting it right the first time. But I have lots of time.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 28 to October 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ve managed to clear up that misunderstanding with your boss, but you still need to keep a low profile. Think odorless flask-fillers such as vodka. Get brownie points wherever you can; you need douchebag coworkers on your side next time there’s a “restructuring.” This weekend you’ll meet a Dutch couple interested in swinging with you. Give it some thought.

Taurus, self-pity has you in its grip. You feel lonely and inferior, neurotic and compulsive. The famous Taurus sweet tooth hits with a vengeance, and you find yourself blending seven scoops of ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipping cream, pecans, and a banana. OMG, Taurus, what are you doing? For goodness sake! Where’s the alcohol in this recipe??

Gemini, shake off the Malibu and take a shower. Getting rid of that stale coconut funk will make you feel more self-confident and attractive—get ready to trawl for new romance! But beware: the stars are calling for a bar fight, triggered by something next-to-insignificant. The stars also think you should read books other than bartending guides. Snobby stars. Like they’ve ever read a book.

You experience a creative uptick, Cancer; music, art, and drama all interest you very much this week, and with your improving financial situation you should indulge this new dilettantism. To avoid mediocrity, purchase a 26er of Jack Daniels. This will keep you out of the artistic “mid-range” and either plunge you into a Hemingway-like nadir or amp you toward a Mozart-style zenith. Or both.

Leo, you labor under the delusion that you need very little sleep. Not so, my drifting-toward-the-center-line reader. You need good ZZZZs, and they need to be well timed so you’ll be 100% sober for the morning commute. Try hitting the bottle immediately after work. If you can be gooned by 8:00 or so, you’ll have enough time to throw up, drink some water and get a good eight hours’ sleep. Don’t believe the stars? Here’s your recipe:

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz white rum
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Southern Comfort
  • Some cranberry juice or whatever

Idealistic notions beset you this week, Virgo. You want to change the world, but first you have to get your own house in order. If you have grudges, confront and forgive the offenders. Have a proper conversation without someone who strikes you as shallow—see if you’re wrong. Get rid of outdated belongings that weigh you down. Buy Goldschlager and stare blissfully at its golden flakes. Ahhhh, enlightenment.

Libra, the stars say stock market this week. If you’ve had your eye on some stock but hesitated, now’s the time to leap. But not while ripped out of your head! You need to watch your investment and know when to get out. You mustn’t, for instance, go large and then have a three week beer-and-rum bender, leaving the Nasdaq to its own devices. On another note, you’ll be annoyed by a Sagittarius this week.

Expect a hot liaison this week, Scorpio. With only one thing on your respective minds, the encounter will be intense. Moreover, it will clear your head, leading to a power week at work. Scorpios are good at flipping the paradigm, and this week you abandon cyber-networking in favor of personal contact. Even if it’s just because you spilled rum all over your keyboard…

Sagittarius, seek out some unusual people this week. Why not invite them over on Saturday? Chances are, if you bring the Tanqueray, they’ll bring the Yukon Jack. Put it in your biggest punch bowl (it will taste a little bit like Pine-Sol) and get to know each other. Regale them with your life story, and maybe they’ll tell you what it’s like to get escorted out of Walmart.

Avoid anything that qualifies as long-term this week, Capricorn. Mortgages, loans, wedding dates—all are jinxed until next week. That “frenemy” of yours is still lurking, waiting to sabotage your plans. Holy crap, this person has been a nuisance lately. Is there no amount of Captain Morgan that can effect a reconciliation?

Aquarius, the stars are calling you to work this week. Yes indeed, you are the Designated Driver, so power back that coffee and be ready to assist all your noodle-headed, drunken friends. You will get vomit on your shoes, in your car, on your couch. You’ll have a horny Libra all over you—hands off, Aquarius, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen after your friend has slept it off. Be an extra-good friend and proffer some aspirin.

Pisces, you probably can’t read this because your computer is f*#%ing up again. It says you should stop trying to fix your own computer and hire an expert. It says that computer viruses and worms invariably come from downloading free porn and that a vodka martini is intriguing when you substitute Irish whisky for the vermouth.