Bacardi

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)

ASTROLIQUOR for August 10-16—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You may think you’ve solved your problems, Aries, but at what cost? You may, for instance, have moved house and promised a certain bear he could ride to the new house in the car. And then he got stuck in the scary, dark moving truck. You still think you were in the right, because it kept the bear from asking you to mix a Cosmo, but seriously parents dear reader, you gotta know it was unfair. You’ll realize it in October when that bear has a birthday.

Taurus, you seem self-assured but it’s all a mask. What are you hiding? Could it be your guilt over making your bear friend ride in a smelly truck with all the other animals when you’d promised him a ride in the car? Go ahead, keep pouring yourself coffee brandy and vodka. Mix it up with cream. Tell yourself it wasn’t a big deal. Now give that drink to the bear.

Not even you, Gemini, can evade responsibility this week. Almost every day you’ll feel pressure—pressure to finish moving house, pressure to get your little bear friend online so he can write a horoscope, pressure to atone for forgetting he wanted to ride to the new house in the car. The best way to atone is with Johnnie Walker Black. Get on it.

No romantic adventures for you this week, Cancer. You don’t really know what you want from a relationship, and let’s face it, you have other things on your mind. What about that bear of yours? The one who wanted to ride in the car, not in the moving trunk? Maybe you should feed him some liqueur- and honey-soaked melon balls. Then he might stop dissing you on the internet.

Leo, you have a strong urge to be carefree. In fact, this impulse has made you negligent and uncaring. Step back and think about your actions. You’re not the only one in the world, you know? Did you forget someone?? Maybe a bear? What did you do, drink a bottle of Yukon Jack just as the movers were pulling up to the house? Were you so tanked that you just let them take your little bear friend and put him in the truck? OMG!

You’re entering into an agreement, Virgo, but beware! The other party is giving off a disingenuous air. You might, for instance, be negotiating to ride in the front seat of the family car to your new house, only to find yourself banging around in the back of a truck, in a laundry basket filled with other animals. Have a clause in your contract requiring compensatory Malibu and Bacardi for said trauma.

Libra, you have a nagging sense of guilt. Perhaps you purchased something you don’t need. Perhaps you forgot to hook up the internet until really late today, and your little bear friend didn’t get to post on his blog? Maybe you even made him ride in a dirty five-ton truck instead of the car. If you really want to make it up to him, you should open some rum. Keep it open through Saturday and he’s sure to forgive you.

Start getting to bed earlier, Scorpio. Evidently your memory is giving you trouble, and sleep is a big factor in good recall. Of course Southern Comfort plays a role, especially if you swish it up with three ounces of vodka in a macro beer. Yeah…that must have been what made you forget your little bear friend. Don’t pretend you don’t know!!! He had to ride in the truck after being promised a car ride! And then he had no internet for two days! Come on, he wants to forgive you. Loosen up the cap on the vodka.

Sagittarius, the stars are telling you to mind your finances, especially regarding real estate. Perhaps you’ve just moved house and are tying up loose ends. Think…was there anything you forgot? What about transportation from house 1 to house 2? Hmmm…did you forget to let someone ride in the car with you? Did you make him ride in the truck?!! OMG! That is as bad as throwing away a bottle of Bacardi Big Apple. How’s your conscience?

The stars feature movement, Capricorn. How nice for you! Look at you with your bags all packed, boxes ready to go! So organized! So efficient! Oh yes, and what about the other household members traveling with you? Got their arrangements handled? No? But you won’t forget, right? Wrong!! A certain bear, bouncing around the back of a five-ton truck? OMG, how much vodka did you consume to let that happen?

Aquarius, this is an excellent week to make changes. Start working on your physical conditioning. Apply yourself at work. You’ll see satisfying results. Your home life is another matter—you’re got anxiety and turmoil there, but mainly guilt about a promise you made to a particular bear about riding in the car to your new house. Sure, you say, but the movers went ahead and grabbed him before I could intervene! All right then, but if you were going to put him on the truck, maybe you should have packed him with the whisky, huh?

Pisces, get ready for a birthday in your family. Use whatever devices you have to remember it. You wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone, and it would be embarrassing to have to apologize for forgetting. You’d feel horrible if your little bear friend your family members thought your memory was going to shit. What could you possibly say? Excess Jagermeister only constitutes an excuse if you shared it with the bear who ended up riding in a moving truck instead of the family car.

Your liquor cabinets are awesome, people

Yesterday’s call for liquor-cabinet pictures was a huge success. Not only did I receive detailed inventories of your booze collections, my fellow inebriates, but my inbox contained these awesome pics.

Said Emily: “Our alcohol collection gives yours a run for its money.” Yes, it does—we have no vodka in our house at all, never mind a bottle dedicated specifically to mixing with baby formula. With a KitchenAid mixer to break up the resultant curds! Lucky baby!

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Next up: A fantastic inventory from beerbecue with suggestions of wine and beer not depicted but also present in the house. (Note the family-friendly “Disney Princess hair salon comb.”)

Damn, this is what I’m talking about—a decent booze collection. I was going to tape this picture to my dad’s head after he went to bed, but…I passed out first.

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Sadly, Miss R’s camera was stolen in Las Vegas last year, but she described an inventory that easily eclipses LBHQ’s with its third- and quarter-bottles of Tanqueray and Bacardi respectively plus tonic, limes, and “cheap-ass beer.” Like ours, the collection resides in a bottom kitchen shelf. Thinking I would find a proxy photograph, I googled everything Miss R described and got this:

Can you believe it? It’s a cake. Which has little to do with Miss R’s liquor cabinet and—if cooking gin and thereby burning off its alcohol is involved—is something of a heresy. Still, it’s pretty cool-looking. It just so happens that my Nana—the one with the bionic knee—is a professional cake decorator who blows our minds with an amazing cake every time P or V has a birthday.

Maybe, when V turns 5 this September, Nana will make her a Tanqueray cake.

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Keep sending those liquor-cabinet pics here, my fellow inebriates!