My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You may think you’ve solved your problems, Aries, but at what cost? You may, for instance, have moved house and promised a certain bear he could ride to the new house in the car. And then he got stuck in the scary, dark moving truck. You still think you were in the right, because it kept the bear from asking you to mix a Cosmo, but seriously parents dear reader, you gotta know it was unfair. You’ll realize it in October when that bear has a birthday.

Taurus, you seem self-assured but it’s all a mask. What are you hiding? Could it be your guilt over making your bear friend ride in a smelly truck with all the other animals when you’d promised him a ride in the car? Go ahead, keep pouring yourself coffee brandy and vodka. Mix it up with cream. Tell yourself it wasn’t a big deal. Now give that drink to the bear.

Not even you, Gemini, can evade responsibility this week. Almost every day you’ll feel pressure—pressure to finish moving house, pressure to get your little bear friend online so he can write a horoscope, pressure to atone for forgetting he wanted to ride to the new house in the car. The best way to atone is with Johnnie Walker Black. Get on it.

No romantic adventures for you this week, Cancer. You don’t really know what you want from a relationship, and let’s face it, you have other things on your mind. What about that bear of yours? The one who wanted to ride in the car, not in the moving trunk? Maybe you should feed him some liqueur- and honey-soaked melon balls. Then he might stop dissing you on the internet.

Leo, you have a strong urge to be carefree. In fact, this impulse has made you negligent and uncaring. Step back and think about your actions. You’re not the only one in the world, you know? Did you forget someone?? Maybe a bear? What did you do, drink a bottle of Yukon Jack just as the movers were pulling up to the house? Were you so tanked that you just let them take your little bear friend and put him in the truck? OMG!

You’re entering into an agreement, Virgo, but beware! The other party is giving off a disingenuous air. You might, for instance, be negotiating to ride in the front seat of the family car to your new house, only to find yourself banging around in the back of a truck, in a laundry basket filled with other animals. Have a clause in your contract requiring compensatory Malibu and Bacardi for said trauma.

Libra, you have a nagging sense of guilt. Perhaps you purchased something you don’t need. Perhaps you forgot to hook up the internet until really late today, and your little bear friend didn’t get to post on his blog? Maybe you even made him ride in a dirty five-ton truck instead of the car. If you really want to make it up to him, you should open some rum. Keep it open through Saturday and he’s sure to forgive you.