Crushing it in the career zone

My dad is still talking about switching industries, so I thought I’d help him build a new resume.

PROFILE

  • B2B sales professional with extensive electronics background on PC, tablet, and smartphone

 

  • Over six months’ experience in candy crushing, candy matching, bringing down ingredients, collecting orders, clearing jelly, optimizing points, mitigating chocolate encroachment, and navigating sugar-laden pathways with focus and determination

 

  • Strong emphasis on candy-smashing best practices

 

  • Expertise in managing lives, forming four- and five-candy lines, pursuing L-shaped candy formations; spotting unusual cross-shaped candy formations and detonating in a timely manner; creating candy canes, stripy licorice, stripy peppermints, and stripy orange candies; understanding various confectionaries’ explosive properties and deploying accordingly

 

 

SKILLS

  • Alternating among three electronic devices so lives are always available
  • Utilizing candy-bombs in  a timely manner
  • Persevering on difficult levels without losing focus
  • Managing distractions from family members and work-related exigencies
  • Understanding the interplay of specific candies in numerous contexts
  • Maintaining resilience in the face of “chocolate creep”
  • Preserving professional arms’-length relationship with little crying heart whose lives have expired
  • Carrying on conversations while blasting candies, even in the face of criticism and mocking
  • Containing foul language during difficult levels
  • Maintaining candy impartiality regardless of confectionary colour or shape

 

 

TECHNICAL EXPERTISE

Matching rows of three candies

Matching rows of four candies

Matching rows of five candies (cookie ball!)

Creating L-shaped candy formations

Creating cross-shaped candy formations

Matching two stripy candies

Matching two wrapped candies

Smashing a stripy candy against a wrapped candy

Smashing cookie balls against generic candies

Smashing a cookie ball and a striped candy

Smashing a cookie ball and a wrapped candy

Freeing caged candies

Detonating candy bombs

Blasting chocolate

Clearing jelly, particularly resistant types

 

 

EXPERIENCE

Apprentice, Candy Town

Candy Smasher, Candy Factory

Jelly Clearer, Lemonade Lake

Chocolate Blaster, Chocolate Mountains

Lead Jelly Clearer, Minty Meadow

Lead Candy Matcher, Easter Bunny Hills

Project Manager, Jelly Clearing, Bubblegum Bridge

Candy Wrangler, Salty Canyon

Chocolate Containment Advisor, Peppermint Palace

Bomb Defuser, Gingerbread Glade

Sugar Crush Consultant, Pastille Pyramid

Timed Blasting Lead, Cupcake Circus

Ingredient Collector, Caramel Cove

Booster Expert, Sweet Surprise

Mystery Candy Identifier, Crunchy Castle

Marmalade Spreader, Chocolate Barn

Jelly Fish Tamer, Delicious Drifts

Licorice Swirler, Holiday Hut

Coconut Wheeler, Candy Clouds

VP Detonation, Jelly Jungle

VP Jelly Clearing, Savory Shores

VP Colour Bomb Explosion, Munchy Monolith

Stripy–Wrapped Candy Relations, Pearly White Plains

CEO, Fudge Islands

 

 

 

REFERENCES

Tiffi

Mr. Toffee

The Easter Bunny

 

What do you think, my fellow inebriates? I hope my dad likes it and buys me some wine.

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7 responses to “Crushing it in the career zone”

  1. Indra Anderson says :

    Sounds like you’ve got yourself a career in resume writing, LB! And that will work for booze sliding scale is a definite client draw.

  2. The Waiting says :

    Sadly, this reminds me a lot of my resumes where I include tidbits about blogging. At least with Candy Crush, 99% of the population knows what you’re talking about.

  3. beerbecue says :

    Hey, LB. It looks like you’ve been nominated for some hardware…or maybe just virtual hardware. Lord of the Drinks nominated you for the LOTD award. http://lordsofthedrinks.com/2013/12/17/25-candidates-for-the-lotd-award/

    You’re a pimp bear.

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