The year in review—late, disorganized, and inconclusive

I missed the boat on New Year’s Resolutions (as with every year). But this year there wasn’t even a reminder; the family (humans) went out, and we bears did what we do best. We had a staring contest—which Fluffy won. Whether he knew he was a contestant is another story.

So, instead of fragile resolutions, an LBHQ retrospective for 2012.

THE GOOD THE UGLY
Dad went to work for the Man. He took a corporate job, which left me to my own devices during the day. Dad collapsed his 10-year-old business. We are still sorting everything out. (Which calls for alcohol.)
I met tons of great bloggers. At first WordPress suggested I follow bloggers and make comments, and so I did, but little did I know how many I would come to follow diligently…for the sheer awesomeness of the writing. What an amazing community we’ve got here, my fellow inebriates. I can’t keep up. There is such a lot of good writing out there. Plus I’m jealous of a lot of you.
I got to review 119 types of booze in 2012.

DSCN2986

I drank them, and now they’re gone. And we might all be alcoholics now.

"Bearly had a chance," said my dad.

 

I retired my Facebook wrestler, LB the Alcoholic Bear. This felt like the right thing to do. Wrestler is a total waste of time, and I felt guilty every second I was playing. A sudden urge came over me, and he’s playing again.
Dad bought a BMW. At last! He has always wanted one. I didn’t get to ride in it until December. We bears were jonesing to ride in the Bimmer. Instead the movers seized us and stuck us in the back of the truck.
We changed headquarters. New (old) house, more space, closer to school, better for…well, drinking. The new LBHQ is awesome. Our move was so f#cked-up and unorganized that we actually left stuff behind. Not small stuff like toilet brushes (although we did leave one of those—doesn’t everybody?). We left big stuff, like a bed—a king-size bed. Mazel tov, new owners, enjoy your bed.
Paranormal events calmed down at LBHQ. For a while it was crazy around here, with Granny’s ghost haunting Fluffy. All kinds of things were bashing around in the night. Either Granny has adjusted to being dead, or she got lost on the way to the new house. Fluffy is now on his own. Totally blank.Fluffy possessed copy
Miss V started kindergarten. For the first time in seven years, the house is quiet between 8:00 and 3:00. Yeah, and I thought I’d have opposably thumbed typists at my beck and call. They went to work instead.
We Work Out Every Day. OMG! The insanity of it. But we have to process that booze somehow. OMG! The insanity of it. Steve Nash, are you out of money? You should fix the toilets at that gym of yours.
With both kids in school, you can actually read books without interruption. Finally, being able to sink into books. More books were read at LBHQ this year than in the last ten years. Did one of those kids take Glen Bear to school? He disappeared and never turned up. 😦

Glen as a baby, 2006

Freshly Pressed! It happened, it happened! Or maybe it was all a dream. Hell, I don’t know. Okay, so I took on 40% more followers, and yet maintained the same daily hits. Hmmmm. Oh well, what the hell—math is for the sober.
LBHQ got its first booze sample. Yes!! It was beer: a six-pack that disappeared in a flash. Apparently it’s not legal to courier booze in Canada, even across town. Naively, I wrote a post enthusing about the delivery, only to learn I’d implicated my benefactor in a crime. The $64,000 question: Will they ever send us beer again?
The world didn’t end in 2012. Sometimes I thought Scarybear wanted it to, but it didn’t. It still might. As Scary says, now we have “indefinite” time to contemplate how.

asteroid hit

Safe from the Apocalypse (I mean, maybe, I don’t know, we’re going to bed…)

Said Scarybear as one time zone after another safely squeaked out of December 21, “Yeah, well, I didn’t really believe the End of Days was coming. I was just worried some freak would turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone constantly writing about it perhaps. Someone misquoting me.”

“So if it happens in the next few hours, you’re gonna put that on me?”

scary 2

“Yeah. Weirdo.”

“Oh. So I guess I’d better get working on a horoscope, since there’s actually going to be a next week.”

“Nah. Sleep it off, buddy. Your horoscopes suck.”

“Damn it, Scary, I’m still going to write it. Tomorrow.”

 

 

STORM WATCHER—The last drink before Armageddon?

My Fellow Inebriates,

If you’re like me (and I hope for your sake you’re not) you must be wondering exactly how the Apocalypse will come, as well as the exact moment. New Zealand chimed in earlier to say it had made it to December 21, but that was 12:01 a.m.—a little optimistic if you ask Scarybear, who will no doubt maintain his apocalypticity until Pago Pago has crossed into the safety of December 22.

Which happens to be Miss P’s seventh birthday. Note that Scary did not advise against making a cake, which throws his confidence in global annihilation into question. For if we were going to blink into non-existence on the 21st, surely it would be torture to observe the cake’s preparation knowing you’d never get your greedy paws on it.

“But the cake will be in the fridge. The fridge is the safest place,” Scary insists. “Didn’t you see Indiana Jones when he survived a nuclear bomb blast by getting inside one?”

Note Scary says “Indiana Jones.” Not “the character Harrison Ford plays.” Indiana Jones.

scary 2Scary has always struggled to separate action and sci-fi characters from the actors who portray them. Throughout his pre-literate years, Scary believed in Jean-Luc Picard, Jack O’Neill, Seven-of-Nine, Morpheus and Agent Smith, Han Solo, Sarah Connor, and RoboCop. Only when challenged by the subtitles in Heroes did he become literate, read the end credits on his shows, and reluctantly admit the possibility that these were characters. And even now, he forgets. He sees continuity between Angel in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel in Angel, then wonders why Angel switched jobs for Bones. So of course the “nuke the fridge” scene in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull seems fully plausible to him.

Okay, well, it might work if you had a lead-lined fridge rather than the cheap piece of shit that came with our house. But what about the beer in the fridge? OMG! The bottles would shatter. And that’s why we have to finish our supply of STORM WATCHER WINTER LAGER.

storm watcherVancouver Island Brewery isn’t renowned for departing from mainstream flavor. While its winter offering can be found in the Craft Beer section of our local booze shop, it differentiates itself from macro beer mainly by location and scale—not with oddball tasting notes or niche beers. (For a great dissection of “craft versus macro” and whether it matters, check out beerbecue.) Vancouver Island Brewery has often tended to be very “safe,” and while it’s expanded somewhat into beer-nerd territory, its winter lager is a fairly predictable offering. Which isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes you just don’t need a surprise. Especially on Apocalypse Eve.

The color is reddish amber with minimal head and patchy lacing. On the nose there’s… well, beer aromas—slightly sweet and malty, but not much going on.

STORM WATCHER hits the palate with a wash of…beer. Decent beer. There’s some toffee sweetness and a pat of honey; moderate hops, carbonation, and mouthfeel; and a friendly, lingering finish. It’s pretty good, but not a stand-out. There’s nothing to wonder about, no odd flavors you can’t place—just nicely harmonized hops and caramel malt. Overall: yummy enough.

But do we want this to be our last drink ever?

Huh. Not really. But the alternative is to dig the Canadian Cream* out from the back of the fridge and put it through a strainer to get rid of some unexpected curds—the very sort of pre-Apocalypse surprise I didn’t want.

So much for my teats. (Actually, I don't think the lumps are curds; they're more like lumps of cream that separated because my mum decided to use organic, unpasteurized, unhomogenized cream.)

So much for my teats. 

And the last word goes to Scary: “You should buy cans, weirdo. And put them in the fridge right away.”

 

 

*If you decide to make your own Canadian Cream, make sure you use homogenized whipping cream 😉