Empty seats for Federer? OMG!

Okay, so here’s Roger Federer serving at the 2012 Olympic Games. My dad would have a boner watching that—it would rock his world seeing Federer send Alejandro Falla (who made Federer work for it) packing in the first round.

Photograph by: Stefan Wermuth, REUTERS

You’d think tickets for tennis in London would be scarce as Broker’s Gin at LBHQ. You’d expect a packed house, even on Day One.

But check out the empty seats!

Londoners were scandalized to see scores of empty seats in primo stadium locations—not just for tennis but for aquatics and basketball. Wouldn’t you be pissed if, when you attempted to buy tickets, you encountered “Sold Out” signs—then, watching in a hot apartment on a crappy TV, you saw these big, empty patches in the audience? OMG, I’d be pissed! I might smash my beer bottle over the back of the chair, then rampage around London with my makeshift shiv.

Okay, maybe I wouldn’t. I totally wouldn’t.

But I’d expect the Olympic Games organizers to answer Londoners’ collective sense of WTF. Which, in a public statement, British Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt more or less said would happen.

“We think it was accredited seats that belong to sponsors, but if they are not going to turn up, we want those tickets to be available for members of the public, because that creates the best atmosphere. So we are looking at this very urgently at the moment.”

OMG, dude, I hope so!

Jaded by the Olympic Games? Here are some alternatives…

My Fellow Inebriates,

You wouldn’t believe how the abusive sarcasm flew when I asked whether we were going to the Olympic Games in London. And then I got a dime-by-dime lecture on why we don’t just jet-set wherever it occurs to me to travel. OMG! I mean, do I look like I understand transportation costs and global logistics?

It wasn’t a totally selfish suggestion either. With the LBHQ move ten days away, vacationing to London seemed like a perfect way to relieve stress. Everyone knows it’s fun to take small children on planes for nine-hour voyages, and I bet they still have those teeny little booze bottles for about $10 each.

But mainly I wanted to investigate some special games occurring in London alongside the Olympics. Turns out there’s a selection:

Paralympics

When asked, most people say “para” is short for “paralyzed” or “paralysis,” but it actually derives from the Greek word παρά (para), meaning “in parallel” or alongside the Olympic Games.

Steroid Olympics

In regular parlance, “the Olympics.”

World Alternative Games 2012

This event occurs after the London Olympics, from August 17 to September 2. Just as well—it’s in Wales. Llanwrtyd Wells, a town famous for unusual events, offers a fantastic alternative program for sports fans who may be jaded by the Olympics:

  • Worm charming
  • Gravy Wrestling
  • Bathtubbing
  • Chariot Racing
  • Office Chair Slalom
  • Rock Paper Scissors
  • Backward Running
  • Wife Carrying
  • Bog Snorkelling
  • Man v. Horse Marathon

Drunk Olympics

The inaugural 2005 Drunk Olympics were held in Utah, then repeated in Colorado in 2006 (although with limited events because it was “fucking cold-ass cold”). Inexplicably the torch was dropped in 2007 (figuratively, that is, as the flaming Bacardi 151 torch couldn’t be expected to last). No, it seems organization was the ruin of the Drunk Olympics. We alcoholics don’t make the most excellent planners.

Truthfully, the Drunk Olympics were my primary motivation to get on a plane, but it seems they’re defunct. At the last mention, organizer J.P.G. Smith planned to hold a 2008 Drunk Olympics in Milwaukee featuring the new event “distance pissing.”

Amazingly this never happened, considering the Spartans maintained a similar drunken competition for at least 35 years, getting pissed on wine before engaging in classical athletic events.

While there may be no officially sanctioned Drunk Olympics in London, the South Korean sailing coach has already been sent home for drunk-driving after a banquet. Said the South Korea Sailing Federation, “It is true that Lee [Jae-cheol], who can’t drink well, was caught drunk-driving by the police when he was returning alone to the athletes’ village at 5am for training after sleeping for some time to get sober…It is really a matter for regret. Although we will thoroughly grasp the issue and take action after finding out what was wrong, we think Lee is under enormous amount of psychological pressure.”

Too bad Lee didn’t call a cab. Now he’ll miss the entire London event, he’ll be fined and disciplined, and he’ll probably end up losing a sweet job.

As delightful as the Drunk Olympics may sound, it’s never worth the risk driving drunk.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 27 to August 2—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Planet Mars is making you berserk with rage this week, Aries. Friends and family will run for cover, and—needless to say—you must stay out of bars or find yourself in (another) bar fight. Not only that, but there’s a Cancer pub-crawling for an Aries like you, and once this person snags you, he/she won’t let go. OMG! You need to drink something calming…and solitary. How about vodka with cherry brandy and orange juice?

Taurus, technical things will make you feel like a nitwit this week. Usually you’re pretty intuitive about computers, stereo gear, and the blender—but a brainful of rum makes them all a challenge. In fact, even going to the bathroom is a challenge. This won’t do, Taurus. It’s one thing to tie one on; it’s quite another to drink yourself into incontinence. Try to socialize a bit instead, especially on Tuesday and Thursday.

You become sappy and nostalgic for pastimes you once enjoyed, Gemini, such as board games and charades. This was before you had a computer: pre-Farmville and pre-Sims. Time to break out the Pisco for an old-fashioned drinking game. Invite some friends over and defrag your computer while you play Asshole. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, especially if nudity is involved.

You have a stalker of the pleasant kind, Cancer—someone you never thought would notice you. Get with it and invite him/her over. Make sure you have a classy drink to share:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 6 Coors Light cans
  • 2 cans pink lemonade concentrate

Leo, work is boring the hell out of you and progress feels minimal. (Make sure your boss doesn’t get the same impression.) The week’s frustrations are compounded by a car problem—a small issue you ignored, which then got out of control. Sounds like an excellent opportunity to ride the bus to work. Bus rides can be like safaris, depending on your ‘hood, and a flask of Hypnotiq will make the commute even more exotic.

The stars are financially-minded this week, Virgo. Analyze your situation: you may be living above or below your means. If you add it all up you may be delighted to find you have extra money for household items…perhaps a new bed or couch, plus a crapload of Bacardi 151 and peach schnapps. (Or maybe just the booze.)

Libra, you’re feeling tied down by work, relationships, and debt. What happened to the freedom you used to enjoy? Let’s face it, it’s gone, but you can still go on a wicked bender and temporarily forget your shackles. Equal parts tequila and peppermint schnapps should produce the necessary mood adjustment.

Sunshine and sand beckon, Scorpio. No doubt you deserve it, no matter what your peeps say. But can you afford a sunny vacation? Probably not, so put it on your credit card. While you’re at it, charge a 46er of Smirnoff and some DeKuiper Razzmatazz too. These products are essential for mental health, and they help remove spending inhibitions, which should make your holiday awesome.

Sagittarius, there’s nothing more soul-destroying than doing what’s expected of you. Is there a passion you’re resisted pursuing because it would conflict with your career? Now’s the time to go for it! And if your passion is simply…drinking, well then, here’s your recipe:

  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz Everclear
  • 1 oz rum
  • 1 oz apple schnapps
  • 1 oz whiskey
  • 1 oz tequila
  • 1 oz rye

All this goodness goes into a Big Gulp. The recipe for a passionate life.

You’ve been called unflappable in the past, Capricorn, but the truth is you’re not handling stress very well lately. Even when your brain feels okay, your body tells a different story. Are you crashing on the weekend? Getting sick on your holidays? Having bourbon for breakfast? If you are having bourbon for breakfast, send me your address. I’ll come over and join you.

Aquarius, the stars want you to weigh your expenditures against your expenses. (I know, the stars suck sometimes.) Good timing—you can expect a small windfall very soon. This in turn will inspire you to invest in your future earnings, creating a prosperous spiral. And this in turn will attract new relationships (go figure). Keep some vodka handy for fairweather friends—they can be boring when you’re not drunk.

Pisces, gear down this week. Work slowly, without excessive effort. Take a nature walk. Don’t worry about productivity; your job can’t be that important. In fact, it’s often nice to get fired during the summer so you can enjoy the beach. Try sipping tequila, Jack Daniel’s, and Jagermeister openly at work—it’s a time-honored strategy for getting yourself a permanent holiday.