If I were a 100-meter sprinter (LOL), I’d want my name to be Usain Bolt. I mean, bolt, people. What a fantastic handle. And today the dude broke an Olympic record to win the final.

But who knew some guy would throw a beer bottle on the track just before Bolt bolted to victory? Seconds before the starting gun, a man hurled some verbal abuse followed by a beer bottle, prompting his immediate arrest. Bolt was so focused on his 9.63-second sprint that he didn’t even notice the bottle.

American Justin Gatlin did notice the distraction, even though he achieved a personal best of 9.79 seconds. Perhaps the beer bottle helped?

I think beer bottles always help, with everything, particularly when they contain a yummy hefeweizen like HOYNE SUMMER HAZE HONEY HEFEWEIZEN. I doubt this is what hit the track field in London (what sort of macro beer would an Olympics hooligan toss…anyone?). Hailing from Victoria, BC, brewmaster Sean Hoyne can probably rest assured he had no influence, even lepidopterally, on the 100-meter outcome, but he does brew one wicked wheat beer.

And that’s a big statement at LBHQ, where we’ve been disappointed by many a hefeweizen, mostly because they tend toward citrus, banana, or just general weirdness. SUMMER HAZE avoids these pitfalls by balancing the expected wheaty lightness with that delicious honey that we bears go apeshit for. Prefacing this lingering sweetness is a crisp and malty aroma. Nicely balanced, SUMMER HAZE hits the tongue with an enveloping maltiness, dramatically contradicting the sharp expectations I had for it. Mid-palate the honey redoubles satisfyingly and holds into a marvelous finish. Ahhh!!

We can thank Christine (once again) for SUMMER HAZE. Perhaps I flatter myself, but I think she brought it over because bears like honey, and I certainly loved this slightly cloudy, mildly hopped brew. Unlike an IPA, this beer couldn’t possibly make you angry or ornery; it’s too docile and friendly. You wouldn’t, for example, chuck it on an Olympic track just behind the soon-to-be gold medallist who’s about to school everyone on sprinting. And he wouldn’t even notice anyway.

There’s a time and a place for hooliganism, my fellow inebriates: my house, after we move on Wednesday. We’ll take the door off its hinges and you can hurl bottles everywhere. You can wreck the place.

The 2012 Olympics Drinking Game!

My Fellow Inebriates,

There has to be a better way to watch the Olympics than just…watching it. Thank goodness for drinking games like this one.

Jaded by the Olympic Games? Here are some alternatives…

My Fellow Inebriates,

You wouldn’t believe how the abusive sarcasm flew when I asked whether we were going to the Olympic Games in London. And then I got a dime-by-dime lecture on why we don’t just jet-set wherever it occurs to me to travel. OMG! I mean, do I look like I understand transportation costs and global logistics?

It wasn’t a totally selfish suggestion either. With the LBHQ move ten days away, vacationing to London seemed like a perfect way to relieve stress. Everyone knows it’s fun to take small children on planes for nine-hour voyages, and I bet they still have those teeny little booze bottles for about $10 each.

But mainly I wanted to investigate some special games occurring in London alongside the Olympics. Turns out there’s a selection:


When asked, most people say “para” is short for “paralyzed” or “paralysis,” but it actually derives from the Greek word παρά (para), meaning “in parallel” or alongside the Olympic Games.

Steroid Olympics

In regular parlance, “the Olympics.”

World Alternative Games 2012

This event occurs after the London Olympics, from August 17 to September 2. Just as well—it’s in Wales. Llanwrtyd Wells, a town famous for unusual events, offers a fantastic alternative program for sports fans who may be jaded by the Olympics:

  • Worm charming
  • Gravy Wrestling
  • Bathtubbing
  • Chariot Racing
  • Office Chair Slalom
  • Rock Paper Scissors
  • Backward Running
  • Wife Carrying
  • Bog Snorkelling
  • Man v. Horse Marathon

Drunk Olympics

The inaugural 2005 Drunk Olympics were held in Utah, then repeated in Colorado in 2006 (although with limited events because it was “fucking cold-ass cold”). Inexplicably the torch was dropped in 2007 (figuratively, that is, as the flaming Bacardi 151 torch couldn’t be expected to last). No, it seems organization was the ruin of the Drunk Olympics. We alcoholics don’t make the most excellent planners.

Truthfully, the Drunk Olympics were my primary motivation to get on a plane, but it seems they’re defunct. At the last mention, organizer J.P.G. Smith planned to hold a 2008 Drunk Olympics in Milwaukee featuring the new event “distance pissing.”

Amazingly this never happened, considering the Spartans maintained a similar drunken competition for at least 35 years, getting pissed on wine before engaging in classical athletic events.

While there may be no officially sanctioned Drunk Olympics in London, the South Korean sailing coach has already been sent home for drunk-driving after a banquet. Said the South Korea Sailing Federation, “It is true that Lee [Jae-cheol], who can’t drink well, was caught drunk-driving by the police when he was returning alone to the athletes’ village at 5am for training after sleeping for some time to get sober…It is really a matter for regret. Although we will thoroughly grasp the issue and take action after finding out what was wrong, we think Lee is under enormous amount of psychological pressure.”

Too bad Lee didn’t call a cab. Now he’ll miss the entire London event, he’ll be fined and disciplined, and he’ll probably end up losing a sweet job.

As delightful as the Drunk Olympics may sound, it’s never worth the risk driving drunk.