My Fellow Inebriates,
There has to be a better way to watch the Olympics than just…watching it. Thank goodness for drinking games like this one.
Get this: The entire Russian delegation—not just Olympic athletes but coaches, assistants…the entire Russian Olympic Committee—is banned from drinking alcohol throughout the event.
OMG, why? How could the Russian government be so draconian?
According to Ilia Djous, spokesman for Deputy PM Dmitri Kozak, “Olympic values are not compatible with alcohol.” Which may well be true—according to statistics, 500,000 Russians die annually because of alcohol abuse, which isn’t very morale-boosting.
More to the point—Russian athletes, renowned for alcohol-fueled revels at the Vancouver 2010 Olympics, got their asses handed to them that year, skulking home with only 14 of an expected 50 medals.
Crime and punishment! Thanks to athletes’ poor 2010 performance, there will be no booze, even for competitors whose sporting events are safely concluded. Even medal-winning athletes will have to wait till they get home for a celebratory toast.
As for vodka producers…well, we will have to bolster them by drinking more vodka.
Okay, so here’s Roger Federer serving at the 2012 Olympic Games. My dad would have a boner watching that—it would rock his world seeing Federer send Alejandro Falla (who made Federer work for it) packing in the first round.
You’d think tickets for tennis in London would be scarce as Broker’s Gin at LBHQ. You’d expect a packed house, even on Day One.
But check out the empty seats!
Londoners were scandalized to see scores of empty seats in primo stadium locations—not just for tennis but for aquatics and basketball. Wouldn’t you be pissed if, when you attempted to buy tickets, you encountered “Sold Out” signs—then, watching in a hot apartment on a crappy TV, you saw these big, empty patches in the audience? OMG, I’d be pissed! I might smash my beer bottle over the back of the chair, then rampage around London with my makeshift shiv.
Okay, maybe I wouldn’t. I totally wouldn’t.
But I’d expect the Olympic Games organizers to answer Londoners’ collective sense of WTF. Which, in a public statement, British Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt more or less said would happen.
“We think it was accredited seats that belong to sponsors, but if they are not going to turn up, we want those tickets to be available for members of the public, because that creates the best atmosphere. So we are looking at this very urgently at the moment.”
OMG, dude, I hope so!