ASTROLIQUOR for November 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have to toil this week to overcome your workplace image as a gin-soaked barbarian. Try on some business-speak. If coworkers don’t laugh, go with it. The less comprehensible you are, the more success you’ll enjoy. Naturally, alcohol will help with this. Change up your flask with some peach brandy. BTW, don’t go into the supply closet with Virgos or Libras.

Taurus, the stars advise you to air your opinions openly. Nobody can stand a douchebag who mentions after the fact that they knew something all along but were too polite to say so. Don’t be a douche! You have far too much Pisco sloshing around your head to think about diplomacy or tact. Friends, family, and colleagues will thank you for your honesty.

Someone is attempting to control you, Gemini. Wish them luck; you are far too elusive to be trapped in someone else’s plans. Meanwhile your workplace has turned into a circus. With the holidays mere weeks away you can’t even feign a work ethic, so you might as well pack the Absolut Kurant in your briefcase.

Cancer, your insight is growing about work, relationships, and finance. You’re realizing what you excel at, and what you suck at. You’re seeing the interplay of various players in all spheres of life—and getting ready to play them off each other. Sounds devious. You’ll need large quantities of tequila.

Leo, you may feel busy, but you’re actually doing a lot of dog-f#cking. Be careful; you are in an important creative life phase, and you’ll never recoup the time you waste. Yes, the stars are saying you should act like a grown-up. For this and many other reasons, you should probably not mix this up:

  • 2 cups red wine
  • 2 cups Coke
  • 2 cups orange juice
  • Multiple shots of peach schnapps

Romantic feelings threaten to get the better of you, Virgo, as the object does not share them. Shift your focus elsewhere, stalker! And don’t even think about venting your pent-up frustration on a third party. Good grief, that’s what Irish whisky is for: burying nuisance emotions. Add some interest with a splash of Irish Mist and some porn.

Libra, you’ll experience a creative spurt along with some general horniness. Together these will distract you from everyday life, turning your workplace productivity into a widely shared joke while sending you off on all kinds of personal ass-seeking tangents. All very tiring, Libra, so you’ll need some brisk, citrus refreshment:

  • 5 oz citrus liqueur
  • Juice of three lemons
  • 1 oz triple sec
  • 1 oz raspberry liqueur

You should probably enjoy this after work, but since you’re struggling to get anything done there, it’s your call.

You have a boner for mysteries, Scorpio, as well as speculations about higher planes and the universe’s secrets. This is an excellent week for plunging into the paranormal. If you wanted to investigate haunted bears, for instance, I could certainly send you one. When the occult gets boring, it’s time to scope out potential partners for some quick intimacy. (Saturday looks best.) The stars say (bitchily) not to be picky, but they are just idiotic balls of exploding gas. Be very picky. You deserve the best. Start every morning with one of these:

  • 1 oz Irish (or Canadian) cream
  • 1 oz Malibu
  • 1 oz whisky

Sagittarius, the small things are making you happy this week: glinting sunlight, your morning java, the sound of birdsong. This is creeping some of your friends out. They are used to the more manic you—the one whose mood hinges on the level of bourbon in your bloodstream. Ignore these detractors for the time being. When you get bored with nature you can always go back to them.

The stars promise a power week, Capricorn. How awesome! Push yourself to the limits mentally and physically. Rev up your stress levels by leaving late for all engagements. Stay up late every night, then go apeshit at the bar on Saturday. I see you reeling around with some cheap Canadian whisky. Yeah!

Aquarius, pay lots of attention to a sick friend this week. Vodka and Red Bull never eventuate in good health, and chances are the combo was your idea. Assuage your guilt, then attend to your workplace situation. You are being watched—surveilled, really— by coworkers with bad intentions. Oh, wait…that’s just paranoia from the vodka and Red Bull. Your colleagues aren’t out to get you; they just think you’re lazy.

Pisces, your mind continues to wander. Brilliant inventions and screenplay ideas occur to you all day long. This makes you very entertaining to any colleagues who don’t actually rely on your workflow. Still, you might want keep something odorless like vodka in your flask. Watch out for saboteurs, especially flirtatious ones.

The DIY dream…almost a reality! (OMG!)

OMG, my fellow inebriates! As you know, my parents don’t always come through for me. But today….Today was another story.

When Mum came home with cream, chocolate, and other Martha Stewart–style ingredients in a shopping bag, I didn’t get too excited.

Then Dad came home with a big honking bottle of cheap-ass Canadian whisky.

🙂

Guess what we’re making??

OMG!

I wanted to make it last year but it never happened.

OMG!!

Did you guess? Did you???

OMG, MFI, we’re making our own IRISH CREAM LIQUEUR. Yes!!! Except it’ll be CANADIAN CREAM LIQUEUR because we’re using Canadian booze. As soon as everybody gets home, we’ll start (in Breaking Bad parlance) the cook. This day is going to crawl by….

Here’s my first crack at a label for our concoction. Thoughts?

BAVARIA 8.6 RED—Strong enough for apocalyptic thirst

My Fellow Inebriates,

Our new (old) house is full of silverfish! They scurry across the bathroom and kitchen floors and counters. OMG, they are so gross, people. Do you have silverfish? What the hell is the deal with these little suckers?

My mum didn’t want to talk about them. It takes her 15 minutes to stop shuddering after killing one. So I asked my friend Scarybear.

Scary says silverfish are harbingers of the End of Days. “They and all their fellow Darker Animals are in charge of Priming the World for the post-Apocalypse after all Good Animals such as Bears have lost their Lives in an All-Out Battle with the Dark Forces of Evil.”

“And how long do we have left?” I asked.

“Thirty-six days.”

If this sounds mighty theological, Scary insists it’s not. He’s far too big a Gene Roddenberry fan for that. But he feels just as entitled as Billy Graham to cherry-pick the best (most dramatic) scriptural snippets as apocalyptic fuel. He believes, for instance, that where the silverfish are most numerous there must be a Hell Mouth—probably in one of the bathrooms. Maybe both.

My dad says silverfish like eating cardboard, and that if we ever finish unpacking and get rid of our boxes they’ll go away.

Wikipedia says silverfish actually like the adhesives in cardboard packaging. They’ll also chow down on photos, paper, sugar, coffee, hair, carpet, clothing, and dandruff. If they’re hard up for food they’ll attack furniture, leather, and synthetics, or even eat their own moulted exoskeletons. (According to Scary, “only a Dark Creature would do that.”)

All that starchy food must drive them into wet areas. We all know how thirsty junk food makes people and bears, and presumably these disgusting bugs are no different.

Scary shrugs at this observation; he thinks a Hell Mouth makes the most sense.

One thing is certain. We can’t even discuss thirst without mentioning BAVARIA 8.6 RED. An import from Holland, this marvelous strong red lager is rich and deep—and 7.9% alcohol. The aroma is malty-caramelly with a subtle touch of fruit. Brisk carbonation meets malty sweetness on the palate—not super-complex, just big and satisfying: a boozy belt with a lingering toffee aftertaste.

Our camera charger is still MIA, so I went scoping for a photo of this lager and found one on Beer Advocate, which advised me not to use it (so I didn’t), but while I was there I noticed BAVARIA 8.6 RED had taken a shit-kicking from the good reviewers at BA. It’s probably the lowest-rated beer I’ve ever seen there. This was a big shock. It was like being told there might be a Hell Mouth in the bathroom. One minute you think you live in a normal house whose paranormal activity rates about a 3 or 4 on the freaky scale. Next thing there’s an effing Gateway to Hell spewing out silverfish and other servants of Satan so they can devour hair-dye and sanitary-napkin boxes.

Regardless of Beer Advocate’s damning of BAVARIA 8.6 RED, I stand by this Dutch brew. It’s super-friendly and easy-drinking without being thin or sour or macro-like. Whatever the BA beer geeks are getting from it, I’m not. I LOVE it, people. And not just because one can is enough to get wasted with. I love it for its own sake.