My Fellow Inebriates,
I made another attempt on the fridge today, this time to get an UGLY SWEATER MILK STOUT.
How long did my parents remain unaware of my predicament? Who knows… Finally one of them yanked me out.
“Wait!” I pleaded. “I need that that UGLY SWEATER!”
Dad: “Buddy, you’re already wearing an ugly sweater.”
Mum: “You kind of are an ugly sweater.”
My neighborhood booze shop is full of new products, including its annual explosion of bears looking for homes (for $11 you get to keep one and its twin gets donated to charity). This year’s bears are cheeky-looking little characters who probably dive into the booze as soon as the last liquorstore employee goes home for the night. In other words, they are up-and-comers—potential rivals even, one of whose number might well end up in Santa’s sack on the way to LBHQ, to be hit on by my furvert girlfriend Dolly.
Bears aside, the liquorstore is stocking two new Parallel 49 offerings: BLACK CHRISTMAS CDA and UGLY SWEATER MILK STOUT.
If you put these two brews on a Venn diagram, they’d look like this:
They are both inky and viscous, one with a prickly, hoppy presence and thick, chewy mouthfeel—the other super-friendly and sweet, just like a cuddly sweater.
As my dad said when we opened the specialty bomber, “These guys really know their stuff.” Indeed, two of Parallel 49’s brewers have chemical engineering degrees, a better use for which than brewing beer I cannot imagine. BLACK CHRISTMAS is brewed with fresh 100 Mile hops, whose forwardness have the potential to dominate excessively—BUT Parallel 49 pulls it off. Stopping just short of in-your-face hoppiness, they’ve crafted a viscous, chewy, strong beer, blackened by toasted wheat and wafting subtle Christmas aromas such as raisins and pine. Once again, the key is subtlety. The hops may be strong but not to an ass-kicking point, their bitterness being mitigated by some nuanced tasting notes that make you go mmmm. Pound this stuff in quantity and it’ll flatten you with its 6.9 alcohol percentage. But you wouldn’t pound it, because it’s pretty thick. Well, I would pound it. But only because I knew we had UGLY SWEATER waiting in the fridge.
Parallel 49 wanted to put the Grinch on the BLACK CHRISTMAS label but the idea was kiboshed by the Liquor Distribution Branch (because the Grinch appeals to children). News flash: beer appeals to children. If we poured Miss P a glass, she would drink it, but we’re keeping it for the big people and wild animals.
What the hell is a milk stout, I wondered? Turns out, if you add lactose to the brew you end up with a delectable, creamy viscosity without punching up the alcohol (the lactose doesn’t ferment), achieving the quintessential session ale (a moot point since UGLY SWEATER is too delicious to nurse for long).
Malty, toffee sweetness is the top note, with cappuccino hints and just enough bitterness to remind you this is a beer, and a damn good one. So fetching is UGLY SWEATER and so generously does it coat the palate that you cannot nurse it, in a blink it’s gone, and you’re left wondering if Miss P somehow sneaked half your bottle while you weren’t looking. UGLY SWEATER is wonderful. I would give half my undiscovered nards for Parallel 49 to launch it as a year-round brew. For now it remains a winter offering, so get your paws on it while you can.
My dad is right—these Parallel 49 guys totally know their shit. Even if you’re not a fan of hoppy beers, and even if the idea of milk ingredients turns you off, breaking out of your comfort level and trying these beers will pay off in lovely drunken dividends.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, you’d like to make love to a movie star or news reporter. No luck there! You will have a hook-up on a downtown bus, though…late at night, with a vagrant reeking of Beefeater. Soak up the experience! It will shake you to your core. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about it the next day…in the grocery store, at the gym…. Better buy some Beefeater. After all, smell is the sense most tied to memory.
Taurus, where is this new independence and responsibility coming from? Not only are you kicking ass at work; you’re contemplating self-improvement seminars and community education—possibly even a cult. Your newfound self-sufficiency even extends to love. Once upon a time you’d have jumped at the chance to have sex with a gin-soaked derelict on a moving bus. But this week…you have no problem saying no.
Maybe it’s the tequila, Gemini, or possibly the Blue Curacao, but I see you in a Turkish bath surrounded by sweaty moobs. This joyful living peaks on Wednesday, when you emerge from your communal nude-fest, go to work after a long and inexplicable absence, and make your boss notice you. You can do no wrong, Gemini!
Cancer, have you forgotten what a screw-up you were at work last week? Apparently so, because you’ve taken that disciplinary talk your boss gave you and applied it to all your colleagues. Tattle-tales will get you nowhere, and doesn’t everyone take Wite-Out home? Instead of being an insufferable douchebag, make yourself a treat:
Leo, you’re rebounded from last week’s insecurities in a characteristically manic way. You radiate confidence and everyone notices. Now’s the time to boost that inner glow with a big-ass bottle of UV Blue vodka. What is that flavor, you wonder? OMG, it’s raspberries! Blue raspberries! Just like in nature. The artificiality just about makes your head split open. You should definitely drink the whole bottle.
Don’t speak your true thoughts, Virgo, or you’ll end up getting your ass kicked at the pub. Keep critical thoughts to yourself while your brain cells are swimming in Malibu. True enough, Malibu is a veritable truth serum, but if you make an effort you can control it at least as well as you control your bladder. No? Maybe you should stay at home, at least until Friday. Too bad they don’t make Depends for your mouth.
Libra, when you behave superficially you attract people, so keep it up. You’ll hook up with a colleague this week, which should feed the gossip machine. Most star charts would advise discretion, but not this one. You should have a blow-out party and invite everyone from work, dramatically illuminating your crazy new relationship and obviating the need to fill out one of those disclosure forms with HR. Here’s your party punch:
You consider meditating this week, Scorpio. Maybe there’s something to this spirituality stuff, right? After about 10 minutes you come to your senses and pour a big pitcher of Goldschlager, Jack Daniels, and Aftershock…ahhh! That’s a much better way to your Third Eye. No gambling this week unless you’re totally sure you’re going to win. Uh, yeah. Right.
Sagittarius, normally you’re good at keeping the peace with your partner, but this week you turn into a maniac. That’s what comes of lengthy teetotalling (the stars say you gave up the bottle for a good five days). Oh no! You had nothing but crap in your liquor cabinet, so when you decided abstinence wasn’t for you, your only bender ingredients were some nasty old vermouth and apple brandy. No wonder you were so testy. Go out and buy some proper booze.
You’re suddenly inundated by friends, Capricorn. You’ll make tons of new contacts, some charming but most boring. You’ll need a lot of vodka mint martinis to make them seem interesting! The one exception will be a Scorpio—possibly a friend of a friend, possibly a hobo on a bus. Be open-minded and go with it 🙂
Aquarius, a fortnight-long misunderstanding gets cleared up this week. It’ll be nice to be out of custody and breathe some fresh air. Avoid buses, police stations, Virgos, pragmatists, lemons, and expensive Scotch. You need a cheap blend while you put your life back together, friend. Come to LBHQ and have some Wisers.
Pisces, make no decisions this week about anything. Your choices typically involve Bacardi 151, and you know how that works out. No driving, either, this week! At the best of times you have no business being in a car, and you’ll have a lot more fun if you eliminate the temptation to drive. BTW, the stars say there’s some fungus on your body but they don’t say where.
Liquorstore Bear 