booze

My DIY Irish Cream Plan

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve still got time before the holidays to make my very own Irish cream liqueur, but I don’t have a clue whether it will work. Here’s the recipe we have stuck to the fridge:

Irish cream

Ingredients:

  •  100g milk chocolate – got it; must act quickly so my mum doesn’t eat it.
  • 395g can sweetened condensed milk – got it.
  • 375ml can evaporated milk – huh? I guess we have to get some.
  • 150ml pouring cream – what the hell is pouring cream? If anybody knows, please shoot me a comment…
  • 1 tablespoon strong plunger coffee (brew just before you need it to keep it fresh) – uh, okay.
  • 375ml (half bottle) of whiskey – and here lies the emergency, as we have not got this precious ingredient.

Photo: Tina Phillips

Directions:

  • Place chocolate in a double-boiler over near-boiling water until melted. OMG, what is a double-boiler?
  • Remove chocolate from heat and, working quickly, whisk in the condensed milk (whisk fast to ensure mixture does not separate).
  • Add to a large bowl, add in the evaporated milk, and whisk until smooth.
  • Whisk in the coffee, cream and whiskey.
  • Pour into sterilized bottles. That part sounds like too much work.
  •  Store for up to 6 weeks. That part sounds impossible.

Okay, so we need some stuff, and then—panic, panic—we need to use the stove. My friend Blackie Bear always cautions to never get mistaken for the oven mitt.  You can douse me in Irish cream and no worries, as I’m a Bailey’s-colored animal already, but I’m deathly afraid of getting burned to death. So there’s no way I’m sterilizing any bottles, people; that’s just dancing with danger. Bears have all kinds of enzymes to combat food poisoning, so it’s no problemo. Just look at my friend Scarybear, who eats garbage all the time and never gets sick. He looks like ass but he’s plenty healthy.

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 18-24

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Get ready to work really hard this week, Aries. You’re feeling industrious, and your ass is feeling cold, so warm it up with some mulled wine:

  • 4 cups madeira
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • Juice of one lemon
  • Orange peel from one orange
  • 6 cloves
  • Cinnamon stick
  • 1/2 cup Grand Marnier

Heat the first six ingredients in a saucepan, then let cook gently on low for ten minutes. Ready? Add the Grand Marnier. Work hard and perfect it so you can leave some out for Santa next month.

Kick back, Taurus, relax and get loaded. You’re a natural glutton, so throw some nice high-cal liqueurs together and jettison the guilt. Try Kahlua, Irish whiskey and Bailey’s in equal parts—ice is optional.

You’re all wired up with too much energy, Gemini. Slow your brain down with some shooters: equal parts Irish cream liqueur, butternut schnapps and Fireball.

If you hit the bars this week, Cancer, you need some reconnaissance. Know where the bathrooms are and make sure you have a drinking buddy. I like vanilla Stolichnaya for you, but mix it with some Mountain Dew so you don’t get too shitfaced.

This is a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. When you’re generous, you’re generous, so go all-out, hit the bar and buy everyone a Hypnotiq shot with Sprite.

Virgo, your willingness to confide everything to others could get you in trouble this week. Liquor won’t help, but have some anyway.  Try mixing several varieties of rum with some sugar and lime.

You can’t go around in skid-marked underwear, Libra. Take responsibility for your actions and drink more slowly. This means mixing your vodka with juice. Try grape juice or lemonade.

Everybody wants a piece of you, Scorpio, so you need a gross-out drink that no one will want to share. Hmmm…have you ever mixed creme de cacao with raspberry vodka and Grand Marnier? Give it a shot and see if it keeps people away.

Sagittarius, I’m thinking Jim Beam for you this week, but only if you mix it with tequila. You’re really good at making a good first impression, but then you become an annoying drunk, so keep it moving and don’t stay in any one bar too long.

It’s time to jettison logic and rationality, Capricorn. That fits right in with copious alcohol consumption, and I see you loading up on Stolichnaya vodka in a 2:1 ration with Jagermeister. It’ll make you hairy all over, which I don’t mind at all.

Failure is getting to you, Aquarius, so grab some booze and start networking. You need Vodka, and not the cheap stuff. Get your contacts drinking martinis and the promotion will be yours.

Pisces, you’re broke and in the gutter again—oh no! Take it easy and lie low while you make a plan. This is the time to economize with some mainstream beer.

Let’s get something going

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s frosty-cold outside and I can’t get warm. Somehow it just feels like a JD  morning. Those of you who are lucky enough to have a fully loaded liquor cabinet should whip this up:

  • 3 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 1.5 oz dry vermouth

Garnish with black olives.

The whole thing just screams “breakfast” to me. Let me know how it works out for you. I’ll get some vicarious enjoyment from your JD fix while I cobble something together out of Malibu and cooking wine.