beer

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 18-24

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Get ready to work really hard this week, Aries. You’re feeling industrious, and your ass is feeling cold, so warm it up with some mulled wine:

  • 4 cups madeira
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • Juice of one lemon
  • Orange peel from one orange
  • 6 cloves
  • Cinnamon stick
  • 1/2 cup Grand Marnier

Heat the first six ingredients in a saucepan, then let cook gently on low for ten minutes. Ready? Add the Grand Marnier. Work hard and perfect it so you can leave some out for Santa next month.

Kick back, Taurus, relax and get loaded. You’re a natural glutton, so throw some nice high-cal liqueurs together and jettison the guilt. Try Kahlua, Irish whiskey and Bailey’s in equal parts—ice is optional.

You’re all wired up with too much energy, Gemini. Slow your brain down with some shooters: equal parts Irish cream liqueur, butternut schnapps and Fireball.

If you hit the bars this week, Cancer, you need some reconnaissance. Know where the bathrooms are and make sure you have a drinking buddy. I like vanilla Stolichnaya for you, but mix it with some Mountain Dew so you don’t get too shitfaced.

This is a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. When you’re generous, you’re generous, so go all-out, hit the bar and buy everyone a Hypnotiq shot with Sprite.

Virgo, your willingness to confide everything to others could get you in trouble this week. Liquor won’t help, but have some anyway.  Try mixing several varieties of rum with some sugar and lime.

You can’t go around in skid-marked underwear, Libra. Take responsibility for your actions and drink more slowly. This means mixing your vodka with juice. Try grape juice or lemonade.

Everybody wants a piece of you, Scorpio, so you need a gross-out drink that no one will want to share. Hmmm…have you ever mixed creme de cacao with raspberry vodka and Grand Marnier? Give it a shot and see if it keeps people away.

Sagittarius, I’m thinking Jim Beam for you this week, but only if you mix it with tequila. You’re really good at making a good first impression, but then you become an annoying drunk, so keep it moving and don’t stay in any one bar too long.

It’s time to jettison logic and rationality, Capricorn. That fits right in with copious alcohol consumption, and I see you loading up on Stolichnaya vodka in a 2:1 ration with Jagermeister. It’ll make you hairy all over, which I don’t mind at all.

Failure is getting to you, Aquarius, so grab some booze and start networking. You need Vodka, and not the cheap stuff. Get your contacts drinking martinis and the promotion will be yours.

Pisces, you’re broke and in the gutter again—oh no! Take it easy and lie low while you make a plan. This is the time to economize with some mainstream beer.

What kind of binge drinker are you?

My Fellow Inebriates,

Considering how often visitors arrive at this site by googling the phrase “binge drinking,” I ought to weigh in on it.

According to a British study, there are nine types of binge drinkers:

  1. De-Stress Drinkers. These are people who reach for a drink when they need to calm down and feel in control. They are usually middle-class.
  2. Conformist Drinkers. These people drink to fit in and find structure. They are usually desk-bound men.
  3. Boredom Drinkers. These people drink to alleviate monotony.
  4. Depressed Drinkers. All walks of life fit into this category; it seems everybody gets bummed out regardless of age or income.
  5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. These people drink to keep in touch with people close to them. I think this means their friends happen to drink and they get sucked into the lifestyle by way of people-pleasing…maybe?
  6. Community Drinkers. These drinkers are from a lower income bracket than De-Stress Drinkers. They drink in large groups.
  7. Macho Drinkers. This self-explanatory group consists of men who hang out in bars.
  8. Border Dependents. These people think of bars as a second home.
  9. Hedonistic Drinkers. OMG, this is my category…drinkers who crave stimulation and loss of control. YEAH!! Often they are split from partners (Hello, Dolly) and desperately want attention. Bingo.

That foreign mail-order service never sent me my doctorate certificate, but here are my recommendations:

  1. De-Stress Drinkers. Consider drinking amaretto spritzers made with equal parts amaretto liqueur and lemon-lime soda. It’s kind of a classy cocktail, but too sweet for crazy binging.
  2. Conformist Drinkers. Stick to martinis, but add some anis liqueur and grenadine syrup to slow yourself down. It’s still a nice, conventional drink, but these flavors don’t lend themselves to slamming.
  3. Boredom Drinkers. Find some more interesting beer than Kokanee or Bud, and set yourself the task of really tasting it. Pour it into a glass; sniff it; swirl it. Make tasting notes.
  4. Depressed Drinkers. Find a really happy drink, like a Jelly Fish. That’s vodka with pineapple schnapps and tropical liqueur, finished with juice and shaken. With such a sunny drink in your hand, how can you stay depressed?
  5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. Drinking is a great way to stay in touch with old friends. Try mixing Bailey’s with milk and chocolate syrup; the milk will dilute the alcohol a bit and keep you shy of oblivion.
  6. Community Drinkers. Large communities of people have a history of drinking Kool-Aid together. Make it happy, though, and include some Bacardi Razz. What a great way to bond.
  7. Macho Drinkers. Try not to drink your rum straight. Add some fruitiness to it, or even some Mountain Dew. Own it.
  8. Border Dependents. It’s good to have a home away from home, but you can slow down your intoxication a bit by mixing Sprite or 7-up into your draft. It’s cool, you can do it.
  9. Hedonistic Drinkers. You cannot be changed, so just keep pounding back the rum and vodka—as long as you have variety and Aspirin it’s all good.

So where do YOU fit in?

Take the poll!

MovieBoozer

I may look a little spaced out, but I look even more so positioned in front of a big-screen plasma TV. Add a little liquor and my eyes take on a magical, glassy sheen.

I love watching the screen. And if my movie pick is good, I’m happily distracted enough to nurse my beer. But if it sucks—and every so often my Netflix pick is a real rotter—my  furry head drifts to the liquor cabinet. I do a mental inventory of what’s in it and what I can fix myself (is there a cocktail based on Malibu, apple-flavored rum, and mescal?) and I wonder if that will solve the problem of a bad movie.

Turns out I’m not the only animal to have thought of this. MovieBoozer, an “International Network of Volunteeers, Movie Buffs, and Lushes” is dedicated to measuring movies by the pint. The logic goes, the better the movie, the less alcohol it requires as an accompaniment. The worse the movie, the more booze you need to tolerate it.

This is similar to the way I get better-looking the more you drink. My friend-who-is-a-girl-and-threatened-to-beat-me-if-I-used-the-word-girlfriend Dolly says I’m a six-pack. MovieBoozer says that about Troll 2 and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

The best part about MovieBoozer is the drinking game it conceives for each movie it reviews. Take The King’s Speech, for instance. You can choose from two game options:

  1. Drink whenever Colin Firth stutters.
  2. Drink whenever Colin Firth utters a full sentence without stuttering.

I modified this game slightly by adhering to version #1 during the first hour and version #2 during the second. I know, I know, it’s a GREAT film and therefore deserves only a one-beer rating, but it’s a rare film I’ll watch without emptying a half-sack.

I guess if MovieBoozer ever wants a guest review from me, they’ll have to introduce a 12-beer category.

Check it out, my fellow inebriates 🙂