My Fellow Inebriates,

Considering how often visitors arrive at this site by googling the phrase “binge drinking,” I ought to weigh in on it.

According to a British study, there are nine types of binge drinkers:

1. De-Stress Drinkers. These are people who reach for a drink when they need to calm down and feel in control. They are usually middle-class.
2. Conformist Drinkers. These people drink to fit in and find structure. They are usually desk-bound men.
3. Boredom Drinkers. These people drink to alleviate monotony.
4. Depressed Drinkers. All walks of life fit into this category; it seems everybody gets bummed out regardless of age or income.
5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. These people drink to keep in touch with people close to them. I think this means their friends happen to drink and they get sucked into the lifestyle by way of people-pleasing…maybe?
6. Community Drinkers. These drinkers are from a lower income bracket than De-Stress Drinkers. They drink in large groups.
7. Macho Drinkers. This self-explanatory group consists of men who hang out in bars.
8. Border Dependents. These people think of bars as a second home.
9. Hedonistic Drinkers. OMG, this is my category…drinkers who crave stimulation and loss of control. YEAH!! Often they are split from partners (Hello, Dolly) and desperately want attention. Bingo.

That foreign mail-order service never sent me my doctorate certificate, but here are my recommendations:

1. De-Stress Drinkers. Consider drinking amaretto spritzers made with equal parts amaretto liqueur and lemon-lime soda. It’s kind of a classy cocktail, but too sweet for crazy binging.
2. Conformist Drinkers. Stick to martinis, but add some anis liqueur and grenadine syrup to slow yourself down. It’s still a nice, conventional drink, but these flavors don’t lend themselves to slamming.
3. Boredom Drinkers. Find some more interesting beer than Kokanee or Bud, and set yourself the task of really tasting it. Pour it into a glass; sniff it; swirl it. Make tasting notes.
4. Depressed Drinkers. Find a really happy drink, like a Jelly Fish. That’s vodka with pineapple schnapps and tropical liqueur, finished with juice and shaken. With such a sunny drink in your hand, how can you stay depressed?
5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. Drinking is a great way to stay in touch with old friends. Try mixing Bailey’s with milk and chocolate syrup; the milk will dilute the alcohol a bit and keep you shy of oblivion.
6. Community Drinkers. Large communities of people have a history of drinking Kool-Aid together. Make it happy, though, and include some Bacardi Razz. What a great way to bond.
7. Macho Drinkers. Try not to drink your rum straight. Add some fruitiness to it, or even some Mountain Dew. Own it.
8. Border Dependents. It’s good to have a home away from home, but you can slow down your intoxication a bit by mixing Sprite or 7-up into your draft. It’s cool, you can do it.
9. Hedonistic Drinkers. You cannot be changed, so just keep pounding back the rum and vodka—as long as you have variety and Aspirin it’s all good.

So where do YOU fit in?

Take the poll!