bear

()wned! by CALIFORNIA CULT CLASSICS 2010 CHARDONNAY

My Fellow Inebriates,

California Cult Classics new label

I got my paws on something very special this week—something that probably should have been saved for a special occasion. But a new booze arrival is impossible to resist after the sort of liquor drought we’ve been suffering at LBHQ. I couldn’t help it—the bottle was urging me, speaking to me, singing to me—and once the voices in my head chimed in I couldn’t help it. I pestered my parents to get out that big bottle-opening thingie and save us from sobriety.

The bottle in question contained a 2010 chardonnay bottled at California Cult Classics, an elite North Vancouver outfit where oenophiles, celebrities, and Vancouver Canucks convene to produce and enjoy wine made from extremely select Napa Valley grapes and painstakingly crafted to a world-class standard. Ahhhh!

You cannot find CCC wine in your neighborhood liquor store; it is strictly for personal consumption and not for resale. CCC members plunk down $10,000 to embark on a two-year wine-making journey, at the end of which they walk away with 288 bottles of vino so exquisite as to make them weep with joy. At approximately $35 per bottle, CCC wine compares favorably with wine that retails for $150 in stores. It is not something alcoholics, or alcoholic bears for that matter, usually invest in.

So how on earth did I acquire it?

Well, my dad knows a lovely person named Pixie, who read my lament about our near-bare liquor cabinet, and asked him to take me some wine and vodka.

So how would you interpret that, my peeps? I think she meant these gifts were just for me, don’t you? Predictably, my parents thought they were included, and since they have thumbs that enabled them to extract the special Sardinian Ganau cork from the wine bottle, they did open it and freeload off me.

Not my granny but she could be yours

I felt a particular urgency to drink this chardonnay because that varietal was the favorite of my granny who died last month. I was afraid that if we left it in the house she would come back from the dead as a zombie and look for it.

And so we poured it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A heady tropical aroma wafted to my nose with knee-weakening significance—this is not a wine to be messed with. At full refrigeration it was almost too cold to appreciate fully, and I had to battle some mean-ass DTs while I waited for it to hit optimal temperature.

People talk about chardonnays being buttery, and sometimes I think those people are full of crap, but I kid you not, friends, this chardonnay is buttery. Buttery and creamy, rich with vanilla, sensuous and transporting. This is not a wine to swill absentmindedly while you play Farmville. This wine will make you weak at the knees. Full-bodied and subtly oaked, it beckons from the glass, tantalizing, urging, promising, fulfilling. This wine OWNED me, people.

I can’t imagine I’d be very welcome at California Cult Classics in North Vancouver. It’s a very pristine winery, and bears have been known to host at least 30 types of parasites, including “coccidian protozoans, flukes, tapeworms, intestinal roundworms, lungworms, filarial worms, lice, fleas, ticks, and mites.” I don’t think the CCC people would let me add the yeast to the fermentation tank.

A better bet might be getting to know Pixie. Between you and me, I can’t stop thinking about her. Maybe she would let me ride to California Cult Classics in her purse. That’s how my friend Scarybear went to see Avatar.

I’m going to stalk Pixie from afar for a while and see what happens.

SINGHA Lager

My Fellow Inebriates,

After spending the afternoon wondering if a can of light beer was going to drop out of the sky and clock me in the head, I decided to stop wishing and buy some beer myself.

My pal Stevie O had recently enthused:

SINGHA from Thailand. Epic refreshing quality; the head is thick and sticks to the glass. Really mature; crisp taste with a herb-like dance on the tongue to finish. Hats off to SINGHA. GOOD STUFF.

So SINGHA was top of my procurement list today. But I had some distractions. Red Bear, one of the other bear denizens in the house, had a sudden realization, upon being dressed in a ravishing green frock by the little people here, that perhaps she had been a girl bear all along. What a mind-bending discovery after three years of hanging around the house commando like us boy bears.

You just can’t tell with bears.


I’ve been hunting for my junk for a long time, people, and I’d be lying if I said I knew for sure it was under my southern fur. I figure it’s there, otherwise I wouldn’t get so excited watching Megan Fox. That and the fact that I like hockey, even when the Canucks are getting reamed.


Today’s toast is to Red Bear’s sexual self-actualization and fashion metamorphosis, as well as my own offensive oversimplification of gender stereotypes. You’re welcome. Red Bear rocked that dress and made me start thinking about arranging a hook-up with Blackie Bear, if I can get him off the couch. And for our toast, here’s SINGHA from Thailand.

At 5% alcohol it’s a little stronger than some lagers, and very refreshing. Pale and ephemerally fizzy, SINGHA is best drunk icy cold and in large quantity.

Photo gallery: Thailand crowns its newest transgender beauty queen

My DIY Irish Cream Plan

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve still got time before the holidays to make my very own Irish cream liqueur, but I don’t have a clue whether it will work. Here’s the recipe we have stuck to the fridge:

Irish cream

Ingredients:

  •  100g milk chocolate – got it; must act quickly so my mum doesn’t eat it.
  • 395g can sweetened condensed milk – got it.
  • 375ml can evaporated milk – huh? I guess we have to get some.
  • 150ml pouring cream – what the hell is pouring cream? If anybody knows, please shoot me a comment…
  • 1 tablespoon strong plunger coffee (brew just before you need it to keep it fresh) – uh, okay.
  • 375ml (half bottle) of whiskey – and here lies the emergency, as we have not got this precious ingredient.

Photo: Tina Phillips

Directions:

  • Place chocolate in a double-boiler over near-boiling water until melted. OMG, what is a double-boiler?
  • Remove chocolate from heat and, working quickly, whisk in the condensed milk (whisk fast to ensure mixture does not separate).
  • Add to a large bowl, add in the evaporated milk, and whisk until smooth.
  • Whisk in the coffee, cream and whiskey.
  • Pour into sterilized bottles. That part sounds like too much work.
  •  Store for up to 6 weeks. That part sounds impossible.

Okay, so we need some stuff, and then—panic, panic—we need to use the stove. My friend Blackie Bear always cautions to never get mistaken for the oven mitt.  You can douse me in Irish cream and no worries, as I’m a Bailey’s-colored animal already, but I’m deathly afraid of getting burned to death. So there’s no way I’m sterilizing any bottles, people; that’s just dancing with danger. Bears have all kinds of enzymes to combat food poisoning, so it’s no problemo. Just look at my friend Scarybear, who eats garbage all the time and never gets sick. He looks like ass but he’s plenty healthy.