apocalypse

3 reasons NOT to make hand sanitizer with vodka

My fellow inebriates,

It’s come to my attention that people are using vodka to make hand sanitizer.

This appalling waste of good liquor has prompted me to end my hiatus and tackle some rampant myths.

  1. “The stores are out of hand sanitizer, so I need to buy it on Amazon for $400 or make my own.”

Wrong. Purell has stepped up production. Soon you’ll have all the hand sanitizer you want.

Purell Twitter - Mar 11, 2020

But it’s still not as effective as washing your hands with soap.

  1. “Hand sanitizer is the best thing for killing viruses such as COVID-19.”

Wrong. Hand sanitizer is for situations where soap and water aren’t available or convenient. The Center for Disease Control recommends washing with soap because it’s more effective.

  1. “I feel like I need hand sanitizer anyway, so I’m going to make my own with vodka.”

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. For one thing, hand sanitizer is made with a solution of at least 60% alcohol, and as my parents have reminded me many times, it’s not the drinking kind. The higher the alcohol percentage, the more effective hand sanitizer is – which means your 80-proof vodka isn’t going to cut it. Better save that Grey Goose and its yummy 40% alcohol for a martini.

summer_cocktail-wallpaper-1440x900.jpg

So that’s my public service for today, my fellow inebriates. Don’t waste your vodka, and wash your hands. Of course, that’s useless advice for me, a furry bear. I’m going to stop “Purell tasting” and make myself scarce before my mum puts me in the washing machine.

The freaky turtle that’s even more endangered than Latitude 50 White at our house

My fellow inebriates,

LBHQ has always been a perilous place. Look at the way Glen Bear just vanished one day. Look at what a bully Scarybear is (although he’s mellowing with age). Look at these freaking gerbils shredding a Glenlivet box like it’s nothing. OMG, people, it’s terrifying to live here.

2017-04-07 08.16.40

I think about this a lot when I’m sober. What if one of the kids got tired of me and threw me in the gerbil tank? I’d be dead within a few hours. Slowly dead, that is. They’d probably gnaw on my eyes.

I started feeling extra-endangered today when I read about the Mary River turtle, this punkass reptile that just landed on the endangered list. It has a mohawk made of algae, freaky-looking spikes growing out of its chin, and get this—it breathes through its genitals.

This awesome weirdo animal is apparently pretty easy to get along with. Just like yours truly, it’s probably not that good at looking out for itself, especially after a few drinks. (How would it ingest those, I wonder?)

 

Like many news items about plants and animals threatened with extinction, there’s not much in the way of a call to action. Across the planet, creatures are winking out of existence. What the hell can we do?

Latitude 50Even though I know the answer isn’t to drink a bottle of GRAY MONK LATITUDE 50 white wine, it’s the only thing I can think of right now. This wine is a light and refreshing blend of Gewurtztraminer, Bacchus, Riesling and Muller-Thurgau. It’s off-dry and pear-coloured, perfect for a sunny day, and has only 11.9% alcohol. It’s delicious chilled, and Gray Monk recommends salads and poultry as accompaniments (not turtle). Every time we get a bottle of this wine it vanishes.

Let’s hope that punky-looking turtle doesn’t vanish. That’s what we’re toasting (not roasting) tonight.

 

WreckSpex Zebra wood

Safe from the Apocalypse (I mean, maybe, I don’t know, we’re going to bed…)

Said Scarybear as one time zone after another safely squeaked out of December 21, “Yeah, well, I didn’t really believe the End of Days was coming. I was just worried some freak would turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone constantly writing about it perhaps. Someone misquoting me.”

“So if it happens in the next few hours, you’re gonna put that on me?”

scary 2

“Yeah. Weirdo.”

“Oh. So I guess I’d better get working on a horoscope, since there’s actually going to be a next week.”

“Nah. Sleep it off, buddy. Your horoscopes suck.”

“Damn it, Scary, I’m still going to write it. Tomorrow.”