alcohol

My DIY Irish Cream Plan

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve still got time before the holidays to make my very own Irish cream liqueur, but I don’t have a clue whether it will work. Here’s the recipe we have stuck to the fridge:

Irish cream

Ingredients:

  •  100g milk chocolate – got it; must act quickly so my mum doesn’t eat it.
  • 395g can sweetened condensed milk – got it.
  • 375ml can evaporated milk – huh? I guess we have to get some.
  • 150ml pouring cream – what the hell is pouring cream? If anybody knows, please shoot me a comment…
  • 1 tablespoon strong plunger coffee (brew just before you need it to keep it fresh) – uh, okay.
  • 375ml (half bottle) of whiskey – and here lies the emergency, as we have not got this precious ingredient.

Photo: Tina Phillips

Directions:

  • Place chocolate in a double-boiler over near-boiling water until melted. OMG, what is a double-boiler?
  • Remove chocolate from heat and, working quickly, whisk in the condensed milk (whisk fast to ensure mixture does not separate).
  • Add to a large bowl, add in the evaporated milk, and whisk until smooth.
  • Whisk in the coffee, cream and whiskey.
  • Pour into sterilized bottles. That part sounds like too much work.
  •  Store for up to 6 weeks. That part sounds impossible.

Okay, so we need some stuff, and then—panic, panic—we need to use the stove. My friend Blackie Bear always cautions to never get mistaken for the oven mitt.  You can douse me in Irish cream and no worries, as I’m a Bailey’s-colored animal already, but I’m deathly afraid of getting burned to death. So there’s no way I’m sterilizing any bottles, people; that’s just dancing with danger. Bears have all kinds of enzymes to combat food poisoning, so it’s no problemo. Just look at my friend Scarybear, who eats garbage all the time and never gets sick. He looks like ass but he’s plenty healthy.

Hawaiian Punch…what is it good for?

A valid question, my fellow inebriates. I like that little guy but what exactly is Hawaiian Punch and what the hell should I do with it?

Could this be Blackie's mom?

This is where a guy like Blackie Bear comes in. Blackie has a wicked sweet tooth and can always find a use for Kool-Aid, Hawaiian Punch, Sunny D and the like. And since he hasn’t produced any tasting notes for me on craft beers as he mentioned he might, I’ll quote his verbal advice:

Dude, those drinks are made for Jagermeister. That stuff is medicinal, bro, so you need to fix it up. Trust me, dude, Jager and Hawaiian Punch are the way to go. Cuz you don’t want to be drinking Jager straight.

I don’t?

ROLF BINDER HALES Barossa Valley Shiraz (2007)

My Fellow Inebriates,

With the impending end of the Mayan calendar I sometimes feel as though the apocalypse is breathing down my neck. And that calls for wine.

There’s something so reassuring about a big, succulent, jammy wine, and when I’m quivering with paranoia my sights turn to my local booze store’s Aussie section, and in particular Barossa Valley Shiraz.

ROLF BINDER HALES Barossa Valley Shiraz is a spectacular example of that ripe, intensely layered fruit that comforts me so much. Floral on the nose, it rewards the drinker with symphonically placed cedar and blueberry notes, good body, and an endless finish.

I’ve always been afraid of Australia. Apparently it is overrun with baby-eating dingoes, and all the Tasmanian devils are riddled with cancer. They have spiders as big as dinner plates and big-ass rastling crocs, plus poisonous snakes that could swallow me in one gulp. But perhaps these are just the right conditions for growing perfect grapes.

ROLF BINDER HALES is 90% Shiraz, collected from several vineyards along the western coast of the Valley, and 5% contributions from Grenache and Mataro grapes.

I like this vino so much that Australia has become my new top of the world.

But it’s no simple fruit bomb. Sure, it’s all-singing and all-dancing, but it has a disciplined dryness that stops it just short of going supernova in your mouth, making for a tantalizing sipper that continues to surprise as it opens up.

I RECOMMEND sipping this amazing ROLF BINDER offering for that reason. Yes, if you pound it, you’ll still enjoy it, but then it’ll be gone, right? And you’ll be crying the way I do so often. Don’t worry, the world won’t end before you finish the bottle.