alcohol

4 reasons why you need a Bloody Mary right now

My Fellow Inebriates,

Twelve hours of swilling amber ale, champagne, red wine and Malibu leads to several things:

  • a furry tongue (if it isn’t already)
  • massive dehydration (especially if you’re non-polyester-based)
  • a thundering headache

Spending half the night in jail never helps either.

realgirlskitchen.com

New Year’s Day is only tolerable with the hair of the dog. And if you still haven’t mixed yourself a Bloody Mary yet today, then you must be a masochist. Why try to convince yourself that bacon and eggs will solve the problem? Hair of the dog trumps pig flesh and every other hangover solution.

But why?

There are a few schools of thought:

  • A hangover is essentially withdrawal from alcohol. Replenishing your system with fresh vodka will effectively quell its cries of privation.
  • The worst hangover symptoms are caused by methanol, an alcohol congener and the principal culprit in darker drinks such as red wine and bourbon. Methanol is metabolized by alcohol dehyrogenase—but so is ethanol. In fact, your body favors ethanol as a substrate, so by feeding yourself some nice clear booze, you generate a processing uptick. Arguably you simply delay the inevitable hangover, but in an oh-so-pleasant way.
  • Alcohol causes a sugar spike and hypoglycemic low. Drinking more of it is the fastest route to a new sugar bounce and happy times again.
  • The hair of the dog is homeopathic—“like cures like.”

If it’s good enough for Nazareth, it’s good enough for me.

You found me how?

My Fellow Inebriates,

With New Year impending we’re awash in Top 10 lists. Being housebound and permanently drunk, I can’t weigh in very intelligently on the Top 10 of anything. I can’t even count to ten right now. Here, instead, are my favorite search terms from 2011.

By “search terms” I mean phrases people entered into search engines that somehow brought them to this site. Here’s a sampling:

why is alcohol so good

Here’s an example of a search engine working optimally. Every day is a paean to alcohol—because it is so very good.

random christmas turkey

I guess, depending on your lifestyle, having an entire hand inside you could qualify as random.

unicorn hug

There’s only been one unicorn mentioned on this site: Penelope the Unicorn, Barack Obama’s constant companion and co-worshiper of the Baby Jesus. Just the other day Dan Lacey emailed with a tracking number for the print he’s sending of the painting that escaped me on ebay. I’m so excited!

jack daniels jim beam johnnie walker jose cuervo

Somebody’s thinking like I do.

watermelon dude

I guess if you saw this once you might remember it and search for it again. I hope the searcher meant to find this pic.

calendar top shit

What does this even mean? How did it funnel someone here?

anti gay charity

Was somebody actively seeking out an anti-gay charity? Yikes.

santa flashing

Who wouldn’t want to see that?

beer throw up

Can’t argue with a search engine.

should I drink a beer

Uh, yeah.

bears nude guys

Bears and nude guys? Nude guys who are bearlike? I don’t know, so here you go.


nothing like a good spanky

I’ve never written about that (believe it or not).

meat liquor

To make liquor you need two things: plant matter and water. Anybody out there attempting to craft a meat liquor, drop me a line (but not a sample).

freak nativity scene

Here? On this site?

singha girl

You got it.

Thanks to everyone who visited this year. Have a delightfully drunken (but safe) New Year’s celebration, and I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Countdown to midnight—How to pace yourself so you make it to the end

My Fellow Inebriates,

With one day remaining of this, the penultimate year of the Mayan calendar, some decent bubbly is in order. There’s a multitude of reasons to kiss this year off with some drama. Not only is 2011 the last full year before the Apocalypse; but it really, really sucked. All sorts of bad stuff happened—the continuing economic downturn, the drop in real estate values, earthquakes, natural disasters…And my granny died, so 2011 can kiss my furry ass.

When you want a calendar year to piss off as badly as I do, some proper booze is in order. You want to be borderline senseless when you shoo that rotten year out the door.

Here’s the menu:

9:00am—Every good breakfast starts with orange juice, but a fantastic breakfast features vodka too. I’m mixing screwdrivers.

12:00pm—Time to slow the pace a bit. There’s a long day ahead, and Dolly has promised me a midnight kiss if I agree to rub myself with Bounce dryer sheets first—and if I’m awake. A nice lager fits the bill. I like Sleeman.

3:00pm—No sense getting gooned yet, but the drinking must continue. The solution? A milkshake with rum and Kahlua. The ice cream will absorb some alcohol and stand in for lunch.

6:00pm—The buzz should be steady by now, so a slow sipper is in order. I’m thinking cognac and sherry with a little chocolate liqueur.

9:00pm—What the hell, close enough to midnight. Break out the tequila—it’s time for Fisting in a Mexican Prison.

11:45pm—Somebody splash me with water, because it’s time to get the champagne flutes out. You mean you haven’t bought some sparkly sparkles yet? OMG! Without further ado, some recommendations:

  • Yellow Tail Bubbles. Thirteen bucks isn’t too much of a gamble. Fruity, sparkly and tropical.
  • Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut. Not bad, not bad, especially for under $15. Fresh and citrusy.
  • Henkell Trocken. At $13.99 it gets the job done admirably. Bright and sparkly.
  • Moet & Chandon Imperial. This is the real deal, from the Champagne region and jumping with sublime orchard aromas and flavors. It’s $65, though, and, if you’re as hammered as I at midnight, an unfortunate waste.

12:00am 2012—If the pacing on this booze menu turns out to be okay, maybe I’ll get my New Year’s kiss.

What’s on your New Year’s menu?