VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO GRAN RESERVA (2001)—Aged, just like my mum

Today my mum said, “Stop mooning around liquor cabinet and make yourself useful.”

I have no idea what that means, my fellow inebriates, do you?

Just look at me: I’m a little 7” bear with a severe alcohol addiction. What possible use is my mother thinking of? I’m not meant to be useful; I am strictly decorative.

She tends to get self-righteous when she’s just put in a solid half-hour’s worth of honest work herself. Then it’s time to eat five chocolate bars, turn the heat up so she doesn’t have to move around, and otherwise reward herself for that massive effort.

Younger, fluffier times

Granted she’s a little stressed out. Today’s the big 43, and neither of us is as fluffy as we once were. Aging is tough, and especially tough when you don’t feel you’ve accomplished enough for your years.

The best thing I can really do for my aging mother is make a yummy wine recommendation: VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO GRAN RESERVA (2001), barrel-aged for 10 years.

There are plenty of young tempranillos out there, and they can certainly be consumed young, but a tempranillo with ten years’ oak aging under its belt is a spectacular find for $15.99. Whereas it’s difficult to find inexpensive wines of this vintage from most wine-producing countries, Spain is proving itself a trove, with tempranillo enjoying a renaissance among growers with the mettle to coach the finicky black grapes through the growing season.

The grapes are challenging to grow because they require a cool climate to achieve good acidity, but they need heat to reach optimal sugar levels. Like my mother, they are difficult to please, and inclement weather pisses them off. Thus they are used more often as blending grapes than as single varietals.

My parents are basically philistines about wine; that’s why they gravitate to plummy, jammy fruit explosions that satisfy their immature tastes. It’s the reason I’m steering their venerable tastebuds toward the VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO—they are old enough to handle a more demanding taste experience.

Swirled in the glass, this purply, brick-red Spanish wine gives off a spicy, leathery essence, with vanilla chiming in lightly. Decanting is not a must, but it enhances the wine’s ability to morph its high notes into more subtle, rounded flavors.

If you’re a shiraz or cab fan this tempranillo will surprise your palate, perhaps not positively at first—its opening notes are sharper, pointier—but if you let it linger on your tongue, velvety stone fruits, currants, white pepper and licorice will emerge. This wine is dense with complexity, and if you can manage it, you should drink it undistracted.

So turn off the porn, get out the decanter, and give it a good swirl. And as I told my mum, “You can get away with drinking it slowly—43 isn’t so old that you’ll die before the bottle’s finished.”

And that was when she told me to go and make myself useful.

Kreativ? Don’t you mean strung-out? (Or maybe you mean “creative”)

My Fellow Inebriates,

Malibu can mess you up. It’s totally unpalatable—not only is it an alcoholic last resort; it damages your self-esteem. Go on a Malibu bender and you find yourself asking hard questions:

  • Is this all there is?
  • Am I a loser?
  • Am I going to end up on the street?
  • Where are my genitals?

If you’ve been following, you know how badly the liquor cabinet needs a fresh infusion here at LBHQ. It’s down to the most rejected alcoholic products and mescale-type hallucinogens. The next step is Windex.

And, whilst I wallow in the literal and figurative dregs, along comes a nomination.

It happened a week ago. My first habitual waking thought is WTF? and that day was no exception. If I’d been properly liquored up I would have simply delivered graceful thanks and passed on the nod (to 6 others), then upchucked 10 heretofore unsolicited factoids about yours truly.

Instead my alcohol-ravaged fur-brain cycled around on several cynical thoughts:

  • Is this a real award? Shouldn’t I have to actually win it, not just be nominated? The nomination, you see, entitles me to display it proudly on my blog (which I shall), but the thought nags me that it is an undeserved gift. Which makes me feel like crap.
  • If I nominate 6 bloggers, and they nominate 6, then we have 36, then 216, then 1296, then 7776, then 46,656, then 279,936. In 7 steps we smother all the WordPress bloggers out there with awards. Which makes me feel like crap.
  • What does “kreativ” mean? I spend a lot of time regurgitating pics that make me laugh and jokes that other people thought of. Which makes me feel like crap.
  • Why did I immediately pilfer an idea from the guy who nominated me for the award? He wrote about Facebook, so I wrote about Facebook. Which makes me feel like crap.
  • How long can an alcoholic animal rhapsodize about alcohol? How many “kreativ” posts remain in this fuzzy brain? An award, whether earned or not, creates a lot of pressure! Which makes me feel like crap.

Funny thing—I’m really tickled to be nominated. Flattered, embarrassed, hopeful about securing more alcohol samples and about writing in general. This week has brought wine, art, and encouragement.

As for feeling like crap? I hope it’s the hangover talking.

So here goes…my 6 nominations:

A Bolg 

The Waiting  

Hyperactive Inefficiency 

YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: RenoDivision  

Oh God, My Wife Is German  

Awkward Eldon 

Okay, now 10 pseudofacts, because I’m not sure if you can all handle the truth.

  1. My typist grew up in a household where there was alcoholism.
  2. Neither of my parents qualifies as an alcoholic. They actually don’t drink excessively, which makes it difficult to score booze around here.
  3. If someone offered me psychedelics, I would take them. But nobody’s offering.
  4. Sometimes I feel…I’m not like other bears. I live in a house, I watch TV, I enjoy martinis. So there’s a disconnect.
  5. I don’t think the government and church have any business in people’s bedrooms.
  6. My biggest fears are the washing machine, earthquakes, fires, cancer, and serial killers.

    Borrowed my friend Scarybear's head

  7. I like Star Trek, especially the original series.
  8. I’m not a real astrologer; I just look like one.
  9. Sometimes I get very sad and find it hard to do anything.
  10. I would do anything—anything—for a laugh. If there weren’t funny things in the world, I wouldn’t want to be here.

Check out the blogs above, as well as The Dissemination of Thought, the source of my nomination. I’m going to shake off my hangover with the rum my mum says is just for cooking.

Owl barf and other tasting notes

Some odds and ends, my fellow inebriates:

Vodka Gummi Bears

Look how happy the one on the right looks, and how jealous its little neighbor seems. That’s because the big one is positively swollen with vodka. Even its eyes are bulging.

Unusual wine tasting notes

It’s true, I don’t know what “chicken coop” tastes like. Do you? I know what it smells like. There are a lot of weird tasting notes out there:

    • Wet slate. I’ve encountered this several times with white wine tasting notes. Unless you’ve been bullied mercilessly, you probably don’t know what the sidewalk exactly tastes like. (Lick the pavement, punk! Lick it! Now lick my boots. You like that?) But we’ve all smelt the aroma of rain hitting the pavement in summer…ahhhh!
    • Horehound. What the hell is horehound? Apparently the name applies to two genera of flower…or…cough drops. You be the judge which is lurking in your vino.
    • Baked beans, beef broth, spearmint, Kool-Aid. If I ever detect these flavors you’ll be the first to know, peeps. Big pass! (unless we don’t have any other wine in the house).

Broker’s Gin

The Broker’s Gin gents still have not called me. No tweets, no e-mails. Was the lovely Julia Gale messing with me? OMG!

Obama Unicorn Nude Baby Jesus Manger Christmas Card Art Painting

I’m loving my Dan Lacey print. Little did I know, the two small prints he sent with it are actually fridge magnets. Yes!

Fast and loose with the wine tasting

At Christmas my Nana and Papa brought over a bottle of two red wines mixed together. I’ve been wondering how to review them, but I guess I can’t. So let’s just say the bottle was conducive to getting shitfaced.

What the hell are they doing in elementary school?

Grade One is getting more bizarre. My mum opened the kid’s backpack today to find a photocopied picture of vole bones with actual, genuine vole bones glued on. WTF is a vole? Turns out they’re really cute, but not after they’ve been consumed and barfed up by an owl, which this one was. My mum almost puked at the breakfast table. The whole thing seems a bit abnormal, but apparently all the Grade Ones are gluing regurgitated rodent bones onto things at that school. Maybe the school needs funding?

Let’s just say all of the above points to alcohol, somehow.