My Fellow Inebriates,
Malibu can mess you up. It’s totally unpalatable—not only is it an alcoholic last resort; it damages your self-esteem. Go on a Malibu bender and you find yourself asking hard questions:
- Is this all there is?
- Am I a loser?
- Am I going to end up on the street?
- Where are my genitals?
If you’ve been following, you know how badly the liquor cabinet needs a fresh infusion here at LBHQ. It’s down to the most rejected alcoholic products and mescale-type hallucinogens. The next step is Windex.
And, whilst I wallow in the literal and figurative dregs, along comes a nomination.
It happened a week ago. My first habitual waking thought is WTF? and that day was no exception. If I’d been properly liquored up I would have simply delivered graceful thanks and passed on the nod (to 6 others), then upchucked 10 heretofore unsolicited factoids about yours truly.
Instead my alcohol-ravaged fur-brain cycled around on several cynical thoughts:
- Is this a real award? Shouldn’t I have to actually win it, not just be nominated? The nomination, you see, entitles me to display it proudly on my blog (which I shall), but the thought nags me that it is an undeserved gift. Which makes me feel like crap.
- If I nominate 6 bloggers, and they nominate 6, then we have 36, then 216, then 1296, then 7776, then 46,656, then 279,936. In 7 steps we smother all the WordPress bloggers out there with awards. Which makes me feel like crap.
- What does “kreativ” mean? I spend a lot of time regurgitating pics that make me laugh and jokes that other people thought of. Which makes me feel like crap.
- Why did I immediately pilfer an idea from the guy who nominated me for the award? He wrote about Facebook, so I wrote about Facebook. Which makes me feel like crap.
- How long can an alcoholic animal rhapsodize about alcohol? How many “kreativ” posts remain in this fuzzy brain? An award, whether earned or not, creates a lot of pressure! Which makes me feel like crap.
Funny thing—I’m really tickled to be nominated. Flattered, embarrassed, hopeful about securing more alcohol samples and about writing in general. This week has brought wine, art, and encouragement.
So here goes…my 6 nominations:
Okay, now 10 pseudofacts, because I’m not sure if you can all handle the truth.
- My typist grew up in a household where there was alcoholism.
- Neither of my parents qualifies as an alcoholic. They actually don’t drink excessively, which makes it difficult to score booze around here.
- If someone offered me psychedelics, I would take them. But nobody’s offering.
- Sometimes I feel…I’m not like other bears. I live in a house, I watch TV, I enjoy martinis. So there’s a disconnect.
- I don’t think the government and church have any business in people’s bedrooms.
- My biggest fears are the washing machine, earthquakes, fires, cancer, and serial killers.
- I like Star Trek, especially the original series.
- I’m not a real astrologer; I just look like one.
- Sometimes I get very sad and find it hard to do anything.
- I would do anything—anything—for a laugh. If there weren’t funny things in the world, I wouldn’t want to be here.
Check out the blogs above, as well as The Dissemination of Thought, the source of my nomination. I’m going to shake off my hangover with the rum my mum says is just for cooking.