My Fellow Inebriates,

I had nothing to do with this. I don’t eat solids, especially fellow mammalian pests. But if one of those pesky vermin is going to prognosticate more winter, it might as well put a target on its furry back.

Groundhog Stew

• 2 lbs groundhog, preferably one that’s seen its shadow
• 4-5 cups  vegetable stock (do not be tempted to use wine)
• 3 cloves garlic
• 1 onion, chopped
• 3 stalks celery, chopped
• 3 carrots, chopped
• Potatoes
• Bunch parsley
• 1 bouillon cube
• 1/4 tsp white pepper
• 1/2 tsp sage
• 1/2 tsp thyme/rosemary/whatever
• Ketchup if it still doesn’t taste right
• More broth if it’s too thick

Okay, so you solid-foods eaters know how to make a stew, right? Chop up all the vegetables and fry them in oil or butter. Then add your “wild game.” This is a good day to find groundhogs. If you see a local news van, they probably have one still hanging around after their annual “soft news” Groundhog Day feature. They’ll probably just give it to you. After all, they can get a new one next year, and they’re not that cute.

It may seem really wrong to cook up a groundhog, but chances are you’ve eaten all kinds of fellow mammals. Be really quick, and use a sharp knife so it doesn’t suffer. (OMG, that’s hard to really write—blame my evil typist.) Remember to get a groundhog, not a bear (my friend Scarybear looks sort of like a groundhog). And…hey…enjoy yourself.

Oh wait, I forgot the most important part!

You need wine.

Groundhog meat is red and sort of gamey. Choose a big, bold red with lots of tannins. This is the time to bust out a good Cab or Zin—maybe even a Shiraz with some sort of marsupial on the label.