My Fellow Inebriates,
I had nothing to do with this. I don’t eat solids, especially fellow mammalian pests. But if one of those pesky vermin is going to prognosticate more winter, it might as well put a target on its furry back.
- 2 lbs groundhog, preferably one that’s seen its shadow
- 4-5 cups vegetable stock (do not be tempted to use wine)
- 3 cloves garlic
- 1 onion, chopped
- 3 stalks celery, chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped
- Bunch parsley
- 1 bouillon cube
- 1/4 tsp white pepper
- 1/2 tsp sage
- 1/2 tsp thyme/rosemary/whatever
- Ketchup if it still doesn’t taste right
- More broth if it’s too thick
Okay, so you solid-foods eaters know how to make a stew, right? Chop up all the vegetables and fry them in oil or butter. Then add your “wild game.” This is a good day to find groundhogs. If you see a local news van, they probably have one still hanging around after their annual “soft news” Groundhog Day feature. They’ll probably just give it to you. After all, they can get a new one next year, and they’re not that cute.
It may seem really wrong to cook up a groundhog, but chances are you’ve eaten all kinds of fellow mammals. Be really quick, and use a sharp knife so it doesn’t suffer. (OMG, that’s hard to really write—blame my evil typist.) Remember to get a groundhog, not a bear (my friend Scarybear looks sort of like a groundhog). And…hey…enjoy yourself.
Oh wait, I forgot the most important part!
You need wine.
Groundhog meat is red and sort of gamey. Choose a big, bold red with lots of tannins. This is the time to bust out a good Cab or Zin—maybe even a Shiraz with some sort of marsupial on the label.