zodiac

ASTROLIQUOR for March 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re itching to solve a puzzle, Aries. If you’re into paranormal exploration, this is the week for it. So get out that Ouija board and start channeling. Perhaps Fluffy, the possessed bear who is freaking the shit out of me, could join you on Saturday. You guys could break out the vanilla vodka and talk to the dead. And I’d stay home with our Malibu dregs, feeling safer than I’ve felt since he came to live with us.

Taurus, your friends are uncomfortable with you. You’ve been so busy building your career and gathering possessions that you’ve bored the hell out of them. Sort your relationships out with a Malibu party. Ten parts Malibu to 20 parts lime-flavored rum (plus some Blue Curacao to make it pretty) should do it. You’ll have your friends back in no time—reeling and vomiting all over your house.

All your peeps are slacking off, Gemini, and for some reason the lectures are coming easily to you. But be careful—your lack of diplomacy will give you headaches later. People who go on self-righteous streaks should always remain indoors where they can yell at the TV while pounding Bombay Sapphire. Be nice to the pets, though, and consider sharing your gin with them.

All that Everclear in your system is catching up with you, Cancer. Time to switch gears, hit the spa, and—dare I say it—ease off on the liver. If you can stretch that organ out until 2020 or so, you’ll be able to get a spanky new one grown in a lab. As cool as that sounds, you’ll need to make some wise investments so you can afford it. This is a great week to research financial options. (And after a little rest you can start hitting the Everclear/Red Bull/Gatorade shitmix again.)

Leo, your mouth could get you into trouble this week. Remember, you’re not telling a lie if you opt not to say something. I know, it’s very hard to withhold the truth when you’re absolutely hammered. So here’s an unpalatable cocktail that you won’t be able to consume in bulk:

  • 3 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz rootbeer schnapps (yes! they make this stuff)
  • 1/3 oz Goldschlager
  • 1 oz Dr. Pepper

Then again, you might really dig this drink, in which case you’d better drink a LOT of it so you can’t talk at all.

You’re looking good this week, Virgo, and nothing seems to vex you. Colleagues are asking what your secret is. Tell them it’s Smirnoff pear-flavored vodka with a little Chambord that gives you your rosy glow and increases your productivity at work. What better way to get people off your back about the flask?

Libra, the spiritual world is beckoning. Whether you have a chance encounter with a psychic or whether you have a demonic golem like Fluffy in your house, now’s the time to engage with the supernatural. It’s not weird; even the most pragmatic people can benefit from meditation. And if meditation doesn’t help you find your Third Eye, there’s always Smirnoff. Try it with creme de cacao, triple sec, and cream. Ahhhh! Transcendence!

You get a burst of power this week, Scorpio. Now’s the time to control other people and get things done. So confident are you that you’ll arrive late for every single appointment—unapologetic and drunk. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. Drink scotch openly and no one will say a word against you. You are invincible!

Sagittarius, you have a sick friend who needs attention. Be supportive; this friend will rally to your side in the future. Opportunities to be unselfish lead to personal growth, which you desperately need. Although you’ve solidified a reputation as a vodka-swilling slacker, you’re entering a successful phase.

Daydreams capture your imagination, Capricorn, giving your work a semblance of smoothness. But a difficult problem will arise, requiring the support of colleagues to solve it. Oh no! With coworkers going into your file cabinets it will be hard to hide those bottles of JD, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. Better be preemptive and share first. After all, these people might get you promoted. Oh yeah, and one of them wants to have sex with you. Don’t do it! He/she is attached to someone who will seek revenge. Ack!

Aquarius, it’s okay to masturbate in front of the TV, but make sure the blinds are drawn; your neighbors are getting an eyeful. Likewise at the supermarket, bakery, or bus stop—be discreet! Maybe you need some alcohol to keep you out of trouble and dampen your horny impulses. Put Bacardi on your shopping list.

Pisces, your ambitions are on the upswing, as is your love life. You’ll have a brief flirtation this week, followed by some watermelon schnapps madness, but it won’t pan out. Just as well—with the stars supplying plenty of career and educational opportunities this week, small dalliances can only distract you from your path. If you try hard, you can stay out of jail.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You got wrecked last weekend, Aries, and you have similar plans for the one coming up. What starts on Friday may well continue into Monday. Phone your boss now and secure Monday/Tuesday off to recover. Sure, there’ll be a pile of work on your desk when you return, but that’s okay—it may reset your focus. Your attention span has been sketchy lately. Your brain cell count is probably down about 25% (and you know they don’t grow back!). That’s what comes of combining Smirnoff apple vodka and watermelon schnapps all day.

Taurus, somebody at work has a boot-heel on you this week, but you won’t let this freak control you for long. You are slippery as soap, and you know how easy it is to drop the soap. The drama that ensues will make your mate nervous as to whether your job is in jeopardy. If there was ever a time for Malibu, this is it. Mix it with some Blue Curacao and 7-Up to quell those anxieties.

You have plenty of opinions, Gemini, and this is a good week to share them. If you keep them to yourself and say “I told you so” afterwards, your friends will hate you. Tap into your self-confidence. This is a perfect week to tell people exactly what you think of them. And if you need a little help finding your nerve, a martini works wonders. For you, split-personality Gemini, a 4:1 gin-to-vodka ratio is perfect. Add vermouth and shake with ice; garnish with lemon. If it looks crystal-clear, you’ve done it right.

You feel busy but you’re actually your true lazy self, Cancer. But it’s a mistake to rest this week; your creativity is on a big upswing. Apply it to building a bar in your basement. Stock it with all kinds of Smirnoff, then branch outward to weirder things like Licor 43 and Blue Curacao. If you have your own bar, you’ll make friends more easily.

Leo, the psychiatrist’s couch is paying off with all kinds of insights into different areas of your life—work, education, relationships. You’ve learned what you’re good and not good at. For instance, you are very good at draining a bottle of blended whisky. You’re not as good at pacing yourself. Stretch that bottle out by adding other ingredients:

  • 3 oz whisky
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz cream
  • 2 tsp icing sugar
  • 2 egg yolks

Shake everything up with ice and strain into a champagne flute. If you’re worried about salmonella, skip the eggs, cream and icing sugar. Ahhh!

Your personal enrichment continues, Virgo, with art and love elevating you above your daily routine. You’re enchanted to the exclusion of all others. And with your own big bottle of vodka, you don’t need anyone else. Maybe just some Gatorade for taste and rehydration.

Libra, you’re hot for somebody who doesn’t share your feelings. Awkward! Don’t harp on it; you stand a strong chance of becoming a stalker. If you get frustrated, share your feelings with an impartial friend. But don’t abuse this person! Friends can only take so much obsessive lunacy. Distract yourself with this crazy recipe:

  • 4 oz vodka
  • 1 oz Pisang Ambon (emerald green and fruity!)
  • 1 oz passion-fruit liqueur
  • 2 oz vanilla ice cream
  • 10 oz pineapple juice

Shake it, shake it. What a lot of effort—but worthwhile if it banishes those crazy stalker thoughts.

A hook-up is in the stars for you, Scorpio. But will it be trivial or non-trivial? The only way to find out is to go home with that stranger. It’ll be a turbulent, emotional week, at the end of which you’ll be exhausted. This is not the week for experimenting with challenging recipes. I see you with one bottle in each hand, alternating Bacardi 151 and Wild Turkey.

Sagittarius, one of your posse will disappoint you this week, souring your relationship and derailing your emotions, which leads to more than a few work screw-ups. But don’t give up; you’ve invested a lot in this person. If someone offers to mediate, accept the help. Get out the blender, whirl up a big pitcher of rum, melon liqueur, lime juice, pineapple juice, and coconut cream. This is your Mediation Beverage. The three of you will either sort out your dispute or have a three-way—and if you’re lucky, both.

Ratchet up your efforts this week, Capricorn, and you’ll reach your goals. But don’t rope others into doing the work for you. Be patient and introspective. After a few days, look up from the grindstone and you’ll find someone checking you out. But it’s just a flirtation, not worth risking a long-term relationship. Ease up on the vodka so you don’t make any blotto decisions.

Aquarius, money isn’t everything, something you realize as the weather improves and nature becomes more attractive. Do outdoorsy stuff: feed birds, check out the ducks, go for a hike. It’s a little-known fact that hot people go outside. Don’t forget to take along a flask full of gin, just in case nature gets boring.

Pisces, you have to keep working no matter how tempted you are to pull a no-show. If you apply yourself, you’ll actually get results, although you have an unfortunate slack-ass reputation to overcome. Just remember, if you’re not earning money, you can’t buy beer. And the other incentive? Someone at work wants to get with you after hours.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your loyalty gets tested this week, Aries—be careful or you may lose your soulmate. It all boils down to horniness and your penchant for naughty encounters with strangers at the supermarket. Those people who expose their thong underwear at Walmart make your knees wobble, but before you let them seduce you, you need to understand how deeply disturbed they are. If you must indulge, any trysts should be at their place, not yours, because they tend to leave their mark (cinnamon schnapps and tabasco), and you don’t want your true love to find it. Beware of Libras.

Taurus, it’s one success after another for you this week. Get into everything—business, real estate, renos, finance, legal stuff. You’re a powerhouse: immune to illness and super-jacked-up on Dr. Pepper. But if you maintain this frenzy, you’ll freak people out and miss the chance to get lucky Wednesday or Friday. Cut that caffeinated beverage with brandy after you’ve done all your work.

You’re cut off, Gemini. No, I don’t mean booze; I mean money. You haven’t been spending wisely, which has led to a pile-up of frivolous belongings. These things weigh you down and prevent you from spur-of-the-moment travel. Call a moratorium on household spending and funnel your funds into liquor. It doesn’t take up much room, and it’s constantly disappearing. Start with some light rum, then use that frivolous blender that usually takes up counter space to frappé it with some cantaloupe and OJ.

Don’t feel insecure about your physique, Cancer, you’re not even close to looking like one of those People of Walmart (they’re usually Libras). People who truly know you don’t judge you on your outward attributes; they care much more about your liquor cabinet. Make sure you have some Smirnoff and vermouth on hand; you will meet a Virgo who likes a dry martini.

Leo, it would be foolish to make plans on your own this week. You can’t be trusted to be sensible, so enlist loved ones who are less drunk than you to give you perspective. But don’t abuse them! Try to empathize with the effort it takes them to tolerate you on an apple brandy bender. Oh yeah, and you’ll have a dinner date with a Virgo. Try not to throw up before the evening’s over.

A friend is bending your ear with a get-rich-quick scheme, Virgo, but you remain wisely skeptical. If this pal becomes too persistent, break out the Blue Curacao and ply him/her with it until the fantasy subsides. Not that high achievement isn’t possible for you. Just not through partnerships with nutty friends. You’ll probably have a three-way this week and, again, Blue Curacao will be a factor.

Libra, this is a great week to establish an understanding among friends who’ve held long-term differences. Honesty is the best policy. You’ll tell them you dislike their politics; they’ll tell you your sweatpants are inside out and exhibiting a brown skid mark. They’ll also urge you not to get caught in any more People of Walmart photographs. Grab some Absolut and drink a toast.

Sometimes you have a hard time expressing your true feelings, Scorpio. Bottling everything up has worked well for you in business but not so well in relationships. Fact is, you envy people who wear it all on their sleeve. You can be like them! It just takes Captain Morgan (rather a lot, actually). Try mixing it with watermelon schnapps, and next thing you know you’ll be pouring out your life story.

Sagittarius, you have not one but two stalkers—lucky you! One is a borderline lunatic but the other has potential. Call off the restraining order and invite this (second) person into your home. Break out the vanilla vodka and drink all night; then put it in your morning coffee. This person is okay. The other person, though, might be watching through the window. Sorry, Sagittarius.

This week features a pivotal career decision, Capricorn. From that stems an important decision about your living arrangements. Who knows? You might throw your present career away and go back to school, which might require some residential downsizing. It’s exciting for you, Capricorn, but your life partner will probably get nervous, wondering if you’ll jettison him/her. Have a heart-to-heart over a nice bottle of wine.

Aquarius, you’re not your usual strident self; something is mellowing you out. Perhaps it’s your budding realization that money isn’t everything. Perhaps it’s the resurfacing of an old fling. Or maybe it’s just what happens when you pound rum and anisette all day.

Pisces, how about a bet? Your recent stability is bumming you out, so it’s time to reintroduce risk into your life. Don’t weigh the pros and cons; just find a stock and go big. But save some money for liquor. You’ll be sad if you lose everything and have to buy cheap gin.