My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Your loyalty gets tested this week, Aries—be careful or you may lose your soulmate. It all boils down to horniness and your penchant for naughty encounters with strangers at the supermarket. Those people who expose their thong underwear at Walmart make your knees wobble, but before you let them seduce you, you need to understand how deeply disturbed they are. If you must indulge, any trysts should be at their place, not yours, because they tend to leave their mark (cinnamon schnapps and tabasco), and you don’t want your true love to find it. Beware of Libras.
Taurus, it’s one success after another for you this week. Get into everything—business, real estate, renos, finance, legal stuff. You’re a powerhouse: immune to illness and super-jacked-up on Dr. Pepper. But if you maintain this frenzy, you’ll freak people out and miss the chance to get lucky Wednesday or Friday. Cut that caffeinated beverage with brandy after you’ve done all your work.
You’re cut off, Gemini. No, I don’t mean booze; I mean money. You haven’t been spending wisely, which has led to a pile-up of frivolous belongings. These things weigh you down and prevent you from spur-of-the-moment travel. Call a moratorium on household spending and funnel your funds into liquor. It doesn’t take up much room, and it’s constantly disappearing. Start with some light rum, then use that frivolous blender that usually takes up counter space to frappé it with some cantaloupe and OJ.
Don’t feel insecure about your physique, Cancer, you’re not even close to looking like one of those People of Walmart (they’re usually Libras). People who truly know you don’t judge you on your outward attributes; they care much more about your liquor cabinet. Make sure you have some Smirnoff and vermouth on hand; you will meet a Virgo who likes a dry martini.
Leo, it would be foolish to make plans on your own this week. You can’t be trusted to be sensible, so enlist loved ones who are less drunk than you to give you perspective. But don’t abuse them! Try to empathize with the effort it takes them to tolerate you on an apple brandy bender. Oh yeah, and you’ll have a dinner date with a Virgo. Try not to throw up before the evening’s over.
A friend is bending your ear with a get-rich-quick scheme, Virgo, but you remain wisely skeptical. If this pal becomes too persistent, break out the Blue Curacao and ply him/her with it until the fantasy subsides. Not that high achievement isn’t possible for you. Just not through partnerships with nutty friends. You’ll probably have a three-way this week and, again, Blue Curacao will be a factor.
Libra, this is a great week to establish an understanding among friends who’ve held long-term differences. Honesty is the best policy. You’ll tell them you dislike their politics; they’ll tell you your sweatpants are inside out and exhibiting a brown skid mark. They’ll also urge you not to get caught in any more People of Walmart photographs. Grab some Absolut and drink a toast.
Sometimes you have a hard time expressing your true feelings, Scorpio. Bottling everything up has worked well for you in business but not so well in relationships. Fact is, you envy people who wear it all on their sleeve. You can be like them! It just takes Captain Morgan (rather a lot, actually). Try mixing it with watermelon schnapps, and next thing you know you’ll be pouring out your life story.
Sagittarius, you have not one but two stalkers—lucky you! One is a borderline lunatic but the other has potential. Call off the restraining order and invite this (second) person into your home. Break out the vanilla vodka and drink all night; then put it in your morning coffee. This person is okay. The other person, though, might be watching through the window. Sorry, Sagittarius.
This week features a pivotal career decision, Capricorn. From that stems an important decision about your living arrangements. Who knows? You might throw your present career away and go back to school, which might require some residential downsizing. It’s exciting for you, Capricorn, but your life partner will probably get nervous, wondering if you’ll jettison him/her. Have a heart-to-heart over a nice bottle of wine.
Aquarius, you’re not your usual strident self; something is mellowing you out. Perhaps it’s your budding realization that money isn’t everything. Perhaps it’s the resurfacing of an old fling. Or maybe it’s just what happens when you pound rum and anisette all day.
Pisces, how about a bet? Your recent stability is bumming you out, so it’s time to reintroduce risk into your life. Don’t weigh the pros and cons; just find a stock and go big. But save some money for liquor. You’ll be sad if you lose everything and have to buy cheap gin.