white wine

ASTROLIQUOR for February 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week offers you the chance to ditch a couple of people who’ve been bugging you. You could do a Facebook friend cull, which wouldn’t require any diplomacy, or you could behave like a typical Aries and pick a fight. Totally up to you. Meanwhile, mind your pennies, hit your boss up for a raise, and ignore anybody’s advice, no matter where it comes from (this space excepted). And if your boss says “Pack your things,” that’s the time to throw a punch. BTW, your drink is punch: Hawaiian Punch with Jack Daniel’s.

Taurus, your intuition is right on the money this week. In fact, people are asking you for advice. Now’s the time to start your own psychic counselling service. Did you know Sylvia Browne charges $850 a reading, and she thought Mitt Romney would win the U.S. election? Holy crap, you don’t even have to be right more than 50% of the time to make a shitload of money “helping” people—and the stars say you should do it! They also say you need a mint daiquiri, so get out the rum and Cointreau.

Always sociable, Gemini, you will have more than your share of interesting discussions this week—mostly about other people’s dirty laundry. Amazingly, no one is shocked by your sordid questions. (Are they all as loaded on Hennessey and peach schnapps as you?) You have a gift for looking someone right in the eye and asking, “Did you ever get that mole on your ass removed? It looked just like Rick Santorum.”

Cancer, the week starts with a financial windfall—possibly the Lotto Max jackpot or a massive prize home. As delighted as you’ll be, you’ll finally have to confront the question: “Now that I can buy as much alcohol as I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to work for money, nor do I even have to leave my show home … will I just spend every day ripped out of my head?” You might want to dry out for a week and think about it. (Or not.)

Leo, your mind turns to sunshine and debauchery, which always calls for tropical blender drinks. As you frappé rum, pineapple juice, coconut cream, and a banana, you think of all sorts of raunchy ideas. Not about your partner, though, so it’ll be an interesting week. You may be thinking, Well, it’s fine for me because I don’t have a partner.  But the stars are not here to help you; they’re here to mess your shit up, so your raunchy ideas will be about animals or siblings.

Virgo, this is a good week for contacting people and reheating old friendships. You are coming across as less superficial and more trustworthy than usual. You feel a genuine urge to take care of others—but be careful if you’re buying rounds at the bar; too much generosity could empty your wallet. Better to invite a few good friends over for dinner champagne and vodka. Add some cranberry juice; the stars say you have a bladder infection.

Libra, you’ll be assailed by technical glitches this week. Expect trouble from your cell phone, tablet, iPod, vibrator—you name it. Be especially cautious about downloading porn; experts at LBHQ tell me that’s the numero uno way to catch a virus. If you have to spend all your money cleaning your computer (and that means the keyboard too—use a towel), you’ll have nothing left in your bar but vermouth (which you could drink with some bitters, but wouldn’t some gin be nice too?).

With a headful of Chardonnay, you’re not going to come up with any good answers this week, Scorpio. Ask friends for solutions to life’s problems. They may surprise you with their innovative thinking and/or just camp out at your house and finish your Southern Comfort. And the stars? They’re random as all hell for you: Write a long, rambling email to your oldest friend. Do not ride the bus at all between now and Valentine’s Day or you will certainly get involved with a weirdo.

Sagittarius, you’ll have the impulse to visit an old Leo friend—someone who tolerates you about once a year. Once upon a time you two hooked up, then things got weird for years, but now all is cool…at least unless you start slamming beers and 80-proof vodka together. Keep your drink total under, say, eight, and your meeting will be uneventful. BTW, the stars think you should go to the gym.

Professionalism continues to take a backseat, Capricorn, as you lash out at co-workers over a shared project. Try giving them some space instead of pushing your opinions. At the very least this will win you some respect for your maturity. At best you’ll get to take credit for the project without having done much work. Nice going! Spend your bonus on rum and triple sec.

Aquarius, traffic is out to get you this week. Don’t do any extra driving or deviate from your habitual route. Likewise, dark clouds are gathering at work. Keep a low profile; you’re good at being invisible when you need to be. There are nasty co-workers out to get you (OMG! The stars are paranoid!). All of which means you should save that big ol’ box of cheap white wine until AFTER you get safely home.

Pisces, invite your friends and family over for a nice home-cooked meal. FYI, this does not mean groundhog or raccoon or possum. Spend a little money to make a pleasant meal for your guests. Your generosity will thrill them and it will be good for you too. Who knows? Maybe they will show up with armloads of Jagermeister, rum, and DeKuyper Razzmatazz, making your outlay for supermarket ingredients a good investment.

Pssst! FINCA LOS PRIMOS TORRONTES (2011) is cheap and good

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s light, fruity, pleasantly refreshing with not one bad note. Cheap and delicious at $9.98 (that’s cheap here in Canada). For that price you should buy a case and get really loaded.

This wine deserves a better review, and it will get one! (Or a least,  a longer one.) But not until my parents decide to do my typing, damn it. My paws suck!

Here’s what FINCA LOS PRIMOS TORRONTES (2011) looks like.

finca los primos torrontes

And here’s one of the People of Walmart.

2011

Having a budget is important. Walmart can help, and so can FINCA LOS PRIMOS.

SANTA ANA CASA DE CAMPO TORRONTES (2010)

Tonight is Meet-the-Teacher evening and my parents’ latest killjoy rationale for staying sober in the early afternoon. (Others include “working” and “taking the kids to the park.”)

And then there’s the overriding concession to social mores: “It’s early, buddy.”

Which got me thinking: How early is too early? Do you have to be middle-aged, uptight, and live in Langley to eschew alcohol before 5 p.m.? Or does everybody operate that way except yours truly and his hobo cohort?

Because, seriously, if the clock says 4:59, my mother won’t crack a beer. If it’s not 5:00, it’s not happening—unless it’s Christmas or her birthday or Thanksgiving or Canada Day or we have company or somebody else does it first. Since the most obvious somebody doesn’t have thumbs to open bottles, and most days aren’t celebratory (I pitched Rosh Hashanah but she didn’t bite), the clock tyrannizes me with its slow ticking toward happy hour.

Apparently all societies have proscriptions on time of day for drinking. (Holy crap, why?) Jittering away until dinner is a cross-cultural norm, my fellow inebriates. A study of 14 countries shows that drinking is much more prevalent after 5 p.m. and on weekends. Drinking that occurs outside of these socially determined times correlates strongly with alcohol-related social problems. Researchers concluded that problem drinkers were most likely to drink at these times. OMG!

The study strikes a note because I would be more likely to drink at these times. If I had my druthers, by 5 o’clock I wouldn’t be drinking anything at all; I’d be heaving away somewhere behind the couch.

But I’d never have sampled SANTA ANA CASA DE CAMPO TORRONTES (2010). It would have been drunk by my parents (“peacefully”) during my passed-out time.

Torrontes grapes look a lot like the green grapes you find at the supermarket. I have no idea whether they’re the same, nor has it occurred to me to eat them, but if they are, the kids’ lunchbags often contain the ingredients for a fresh, aromatic white wine with moderate acidity. Not a waste, as the kids do need to eat, but it’s good to know Torrontes grapes abound throughout Europe and the Americas. Three variants exist, the most common being Torrontes Riojano, the most likely ingredient in SANTA ANA CASA DE CAMPO.

Torrontes doesn’t age well and is best consumed within a year of its vintage. If you have a bottle from 2010 you should drink it right now, even if it’s not 5 o’clock yet.

I expected a mellow, caressing Torrontes-style fruitiness to wash over me, so the zestiness of SANTA ANA CASA DE CAMPO was bracing. Pale lemon yellow, it exudes fragrant citrus and floral notes, perhaps some jasmine tea. One whiff and you know this wine isn’t mellow; it’s zippy, zingy, and whatever other Z words you can think of. The aromas translate logically from nose to palate—bright, well-balanced chords delivered with light-to-moderate mouthfeel and a finish that doesn’t overstay its welcome. Certainly a yummy wine, but not as generous and lingering as the varietal can be.

The bottle recommends pairing SANTA ANA CASA DE CAMPO with seafood or spicy cuisine—i.e., dinner. But this seems too late in the day to enjoy such a crisp Torrontes. Better to pair it with a spicy breakfast omelet.

Better still, just wake up and open the bottle.

(Holy crap, where is the family? I thought it was Meet-the-Teacher evening. It’s night! There are stars out! Do you think they’ve made a detour to the liquor store?)