My Plenty of Fish profile doesn’t seem to be attracting many interested females. Only one person has viewed it, and my sole message comes from the administrator, Markus, who assures me that most POF users make a connection by the seventh date.

He emphasizes that uploading a picture guarantees TEN times the response rate. (I did upload a pic! Why isn’t it working?)

He cautions that if I am a jerk or upload nude images I will be banned. Since I am always nude, I will have to be careful.

I did another test, the “needs test,” which corroborated that I do not have a sense of where I’m headed in life and that I am in a state of personal and professional flux. On a positive note, I like experimenting with new experiences. (I agree with this but would prefer the new experiences to come in a bottle.)

I’m not really sure if POF is the right fit for me. There are A LOT of women looking for partners and—as evidenced by the “Hottest Girls” tab—POF is trying hard to pull in some male members (no pun intended). That may be why my profile continues to exist—if they don’t ban me, they can count me as one male among the sizeable minority they are trying to increase. Wow! I feel wanted!

My mother says POF needs to figure out its identity crisis and realize that “Want a Girl Tonight?” ads send the wrong message to the sizeable majority of female POF users, and that low-rent campaigns like this one effectively weed out women with healthy self-esteem and standards.

My mum’s been married almost a decade and acknowledges she is commenting as an outsider—a lucky outsider. She says I should let her put me in the washing machine so I can smell like Fleecy and win Dolly back.