scotch

ASTROLIQUOR for November 30 to December 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll run into your doppelganger this week, and you know how that usually turns out. Two belligerent freaks one-upping each other at the bar? Other astrological signs would do well to stay out of your collective way. And for the last time, yes, you can mix vodka and cognac, so don’t start a fight about it. You’ll be far more attractive to that horny coworker if you don’t have a black eye.

Taurus, you feel happy and generous this week—ready to chat with anyone, anywhere. That person at the Starbucks counter; your bankruptcy counselor; hobos… You can’t take all the credit for this social energy—you pretty much spend the week ripped out of your head on UV Blue, waking yourself up with Red Bull when your head starts nodding. What an awesome life!

Is someone ignoring your affectionate overtures, Gemini? Dissing you behind your back at work? You may be cluing in that your charisma is on hiatus this week. In fact, your charms will remain at a low ebb until January. Ordinarily hard to get, you find yourself hard to want. Hang in there with some vodka and Blue Curacao.

Cancer, your spider sense leads you to all the best parties, and you can expect to stay hammered all week. Careful, though: Malibu +vanilla vodka = a lot of mouthing off, and you might say the wrong thing to someone you care about. Try to hook up early in your drunken evening; instead of offending fellow party-goers with filthy comments, you could be soiling one of the guest bedrooms.

Leo, the stars are calling for sado-masochistic, anonymous sex with a Scorpio. You mustn’t be the sub, though! Be the captain of your genitals; your self-esteem will thank you for it. Be discreet and agree never to speak of this week’s events again. The rest of your week is less thrilling—you pull Designated Driver duty.

A happy week beckons, Virgo, featuring frivolity and triviality—and that means Malibu. Malibu and Midori, drunk out of a hollowed-out pineapple. Ahhhh! Despite your attraction to silly drinks and your disavowal of politics, economics, and books authored by people using their real names, you seek out flirtations with forceful, aggressively intellectual types. Make sure you don’t end up on YouTube.

Libra, emotions get the better of rational thought this week. Whatever you do, don’t sign any contracts or undertake anything of a legal nature. If someone says, “Hey, I’ve got this great business idea, are you interested?” say, “Hey, I’ve been wearing the same thong for most of Movember and it’s grown its own moustache.” Non sequiturs are your best conversational ally. You should make a chocolate martini.

Someone phones you this week, Scorpio. On the actual telephone. Not a text or an email but a real telephone call. What the hell? You’re so nonplussed by the weirdness of a person interrupting your day to talk that you ignore it. Nah, not really. You ignore it because you can’t move. That’s what three ounces each of Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Cuervo, and Bacardi 151 do to a person—even a Scorpio.

Sagittarius, nobody at home knows what you do at work, which is just how you like it. This week you solve all kinds of ridiculous problems, you ingratiate yourself with higher-ups, and you strike a perfect balance between strength and vulnerability, garnering both love and respect. And you pack away a 26er of Jameson Irish whiskey.

New opportunities flash like lightning this week, Capricorn. The key is socializing—go out and hang with friends and acquaintances. Be open to new experiences. Say hi to everyone. Give money to hobos and bears loitering outside the liquor store. (While inside, buy Jack Daniel’s, Jim Beam, and Crown Royal—the stars say you’ve run out of these products.)

Aquarius, you’ll have another run-in with the law this week, so make some hasty travel plans. With the right attitude, you can spin this into a holiday somewhere hot. While abroad, you may receive worrying communiques—ignore them.  Quell your apprehension with liquor. You probably didn’t have time to take any anti-malarials, so you’ll need lots of crappy low-alcohol beer for hydration purposes.

Pisces, you have a hectic week ahead. You have a porn-compromised computer to cleanse of viruses and worms, plus some actual work associated with your job, plus some drinks to mix to make it all tolerable. I’m thinking vodka for you with some bitters and gingerale. Then maybe a nice romantic comedy.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 23-29—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’d like to make love to a movie star or news reporter. No luck there! You will have a hook-up on a downtown bus, though…late at night, with a vagrant reeking of Beefeater. Soak up the experience! It will shake you to your core. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about it the next day…in the grocery store, at the gym…. Better buy some Beefeater. After all, smell is the sense most tied to memory.

Taurus, where is this new independence and responsibility coming from? Not only are you kicking ass at work; you’re contemplating self-improvement seminars and community education—possibly even a cult. Your newfound self-sufficiency even extends to love. Once upon a time you’d have jumped at the chance to have sex with a gin-soaked derelict on a moving bus. But this week…you have no problem saying no.

Maybe it’s the tequila, Gemini, or possibly the Blue Curacao, but I see you in a Turkish bath surrounded by sweaty moobs. This joyful living peaks on Wednesday, when you emerge from your communal nude-fest, go to work after a long and inexplicable absence, and make your boss notice you. You can do no wrong, Gemini!

Cancer, have you forgotten what a screw-up you were at work last week? Apparently so, because you’ve taken that disciplinary talk your boss gave you and applied it to all your colleagues. Tattle-tales will get you nowhere, and doesn’t everyone take Wite-Out home? Instead of being an insufferable douchebag, make yourself a treat:

  • 3 oz white chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Galiano
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • Milk to taste (I’m having “none”)

Leo, you’re rebounded from last week’s insecurities in a characteristically manic way. You radiate confidence and everyone notices. Now’s the time to boost that inner glow with a big-ass bottle of UV Blue vodka. What is that flavor, you wonder? OMG, it’s raspberries! Blue raspberries! Just like in nature. The artificiality just about makes your head split open. You should definitely drink the whole bottle.

Don’t speak your true thoughts, Virgo, or you’ll end up getting your ass kicked at the pub. Keep critical thoughts to yourself while your brain cells are swimming in Malibu. True enough, Malibu is a veritable truth serum, but if you make an effort you can control it at least as well as you control your bladder. No? Maybe you should stay at home, at least until Friday. Too bad they don’t make Depends for your mouth.

Libra, when you behave superficially you attract people, so keep it up. You’ll hook up with a colleague this week, which should feed the gossip machine. Most star charts would advise discretion, but not this one. You should have a blow-out party and invite everyone from work, dramatically illuminating your crazy new relationship and obviating the need to fill out one of those disclosure forms with HR. Here’s your party punch:

  • 1 bottle Everclear
  • 1 bottle vodka
  • 1 bottle tequila
  • A bunch of Red Bull, Sunny D, and Hawaiian Punch
  • Fresh floating fruit (for the vitamins)

You consider meditating this week, Scorpio. Maybe there’s something to this spirituality stuff, right? After about 10 minutes you come to your senses and pour a big pitcher of Goldschlager, Jack Daniels, and Aftershock…ahhh! That’s a much better way to your Third Eye. No gambling this week unless you’re totally sure you’re going to win. Uh, yeah. Right.

Sagittarius, normally you’re good at keeping the peace with your partner, but this week you turn into a maniac. That’s what comes of lengthy teetotalling (the stars say you gave up the bottle for a good five days). Oh no! You had nothing but crap in your liquor cabinet, so when you decided abstinence wasn’t for you, your only bender ingredients were some nasty old vermouth and apple brandy. No wonder you were so testy. Go out and buy some proper booze.

You’re suddenly inundated by friends, Capricorn. You’ll make tons of new contacts, some charming but most boring. You’ll need a lot of vodka mint martinis to make them seem interesting! The one exception will be a Scorpio—possibly a friend of a friend, possibly a hobo on a bus. Be open-minded and go with it 🙂

Aquarius, a fortnight-long misunderstanding gets cleared up this week. It’ll be nice to be out of custody and breathe some fresh air. Avoid buses, police stations, Virgos, pragmatists, lemons, and expensive Scotch. You need a cheap blend while you put your life back together, friend. Come to LBHQ and have some Wisers.

Pisces, make no decisions this week about anything. Your choices typically involve Bacardi 151, and you know how that works out. No driving, either, this week! At the best of times you have no business being in a car, and you’ll have a lot more fun if you eliminate the temptation to drive. BTW, the stars say there’s some fungus on your body but they don’t say where.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, maybe the weather’s affecting you, because you’re trading in bar fights for cozy nights at home with a stable partner. Old bar buddies wonder where the hell you are and snipe at you verbally, but for now you’re ignoring their urgings toward the pub. Truth is, you don’t even notice them; you and your “stable partner” have mixed up a vat of Everclear, bourbon, rum, and tequila. You can’t carouse because you can’t move. What a great way to avoid bar fights!

Taurus, last week’s sobriety has left you unsteady and insecure. Lucid brain cells make for too much self-analysis, and for you it’s a full-on identity crisis. Unrest in your love live complicates these turbulent thoughts. OMG, how can we fix this? Got a frozen juice can? Don’t even thaw it; scoop it into a punch bowl, add two cans of rum or vodka, then a bottle of sparkling wine. No more turbulent thoughts for you! No thoughts, even.

Gemini, you’ll make a good impression on a Libra or an Aquarius—someone who loves fashion and accessories. If this sounds worthwhile, give your wardrobe a once-over before the stars start bombarding you with nosy Libras and Aquarians. If you don’t care, stay in your dirty old sweats and spill as much cranberry vodka on them as you like. Let them wonder what the stains are.

Cancer, you find people annoying this week and think everyone’s criticizing you, even when they’re slathering you up with compliments. Friends are in for a rough time. But it’s not you; it’s the stars making you an asshole. Avoid people and seek enlightenment. Everyone knows Jolly Ranchers are the path to the Third Eye. Here’s your recipe:

  • 4 oz cheap vodka
  • 10 oz cheap rum
  • cranberry juice

This tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher and will keep you from talking to people. Win win!

Leo, you’re dwelling on something that happened in the past, harboring blame toward the people involved. Memory is troublesome this way—how can you move forward when you keep replaying the incident? Pesky brain cells… The second you start fixating, pour yourself a whiskey. Again! Again! What’s your name? How many paws am I holding up? Who are you mad at? Nobody, right?

Virgo, a female acquaintance will enlighten you this week with a small detail about yourself. This new knowledge will disorient you and make you anxious. You’ll need a lot of gin to keep from fretting. Perhaps you should avoid that friend for the time being, in case she has any more informative nuggets. Then again, if she told you your pants were inside out and sported a skid mark, well…you need friends like that.

Libra, you have a relaxing week ahead: friends, entertainment, and joy all come easily, as does effective work. You have flow, and this makes you feel exciting and successful. When you’re in the zone, you attract others. This is an excellent time to have a party. Whatever you do, don’t have a bender alone; socializing is rarely so favored by the stars. Indeed, the stars think you should share your gin.

Communication continues to be positive this week, Scorpio. You have a clear head for articulating your thoughts. Enjoy it, because the stars are threatening you with diplomacy challenges, specifically in your workplace. Better start planning your flask contents! I’m thinking green-apple vodka with apple juice. Who’s gonna tell you that’s not breakfast?

Sagittarius, your chart is tied strongly to Scorpio’s this week. Someone at work has a flask of green-apple vodka and isn’t sharing. So you smile, hoping to get some. The Scorpio takes this as a come-on. Now you have an awkward situation and you still haven’t got any vodka. Better mix your own awesome flask.

Your charisma is extra-shiny this week, Capricorn. Entertaining and humorous, you have friends and acquaintances rapt, making them ripe for manipulation. Don’t do it! Especially that Scorpio with the green-apple vodka—if you even smile, they’re going to think you’re into them. Stay away from Scorpios, vodka, and apples this week. The only friend you need is Jose Cuervo.

Aquarius, you’ll shine this week, but you may become exhausted as everyone looks to you for wisdom and assistance. That’s the problem with sobriety; it improves your coordination, balance, clarity, and intelligence—then all your drunk friends ask you to operate their power tools and write their theses. Take yourself out of the equation:

  • 3 oz vodka
  • 1 oz brandy
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

There. You should be useless now. If not, have another.

Pisces, the stars are calling for sexy time with a Virgo. You don’t normally think of yourself as a sex object (even when you were in jail those sexy times didn’t seem so sexy). But this Virgo is very precious to you, so try to toss those inhibitions. You’ll get a confidence boost, which will translate indirectly into greater career success. You’ll stop putting Jack Daniel’s in your morning oatmeal, and hello productivity.