rum

The secret cure for New Year’s doldrums—Cachaca!

A zillion microbes for your child to play with

My typist abandoned me today to take the kids to an indoor play area, a filthy, sweltering sauna (she complained) that could prompt any sound atheist to conceive of purgatory as being fully possible.

The smell at the play area? Deep-fried things, not necessarily food.

The patrons? The sub-70-IQ ass-crack parade, a truck ride away from Walmart. Big hair, small vocabulary.

Their progeny? The apparent hope of our planet.

If my mum sounds like a miserable snob and potential eugenics proponent, consider that she, with her crap finances, losing snakes-and-ladders game of a career, thrashingly desperate parenting, inability to vacuum, and impending 43rd birthday, is experiencing a post-New Year’s letdown.

I can relate. Our house is officially dry—if you ignore the Malibu dregs and worm-inhabited mescale my parents insist could poison us. A blue bin of empties (which my mum forgot to put out for the collection truck) attests to the fact that we are…bereft of alcohol.

No wonder my mum is being such a drag. If she’s a fraction of the alcoholic I am, she must be suffering. My dad too—he’s watched, like, a hundred episodes of Monk.

I tried to cheer them up by reminding them about the Brazilian rum sample headed our way.

Me: Make sure you’re home for the Cachaca delivery.

To make a copacabana cosmo, you need Cachaca.

Mum: The what?

Me: C-A-C-H-A-C-A. Tropical rum. UPS. You’re welcome.

Mum: Excuse me?

Me: So you have to be home for that. And the painting. We need a frame for that too.

Mum: Why don’t you answer the door?

Me: I’m a bear. Bears are scary. The UPS driver will freak.

UPS tracking says it's in St. Paul, MN. It's getting closer. Thank you, Dan Lacey!

Mum: I’m out tomorrow, sorry, buddy.

Me: NO! You have to be home! I need that Cachaca!

Mum: You’ll live. They’ll put a sticker on the door and we’ll get it later.

Me: Noooooooo!!!!!

Mum: I doubt it’s coming anyway. Seriously, who would send you alcohol?

OMG, my parents are so harsh.

Tame that New Year’s hangover! 12 ideas for before, during and after your celebration

Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

If I weren't furry this would really sting.

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

  • Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
  • Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
  • Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

  • Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
  • Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
  • Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

  • Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
  • Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
  • Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

  • Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
  • Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
  • Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Clear is good.

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

  • Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
  • Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
  • Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

  • Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
  • Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
  • Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

  • Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
  • Reliable? Basic science.
  • Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

  • Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
  • Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
  • Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

  • Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
  • Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
  • Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

  • Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
  • Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
  • Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

realgirlskitchen.com

  • Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
  • Reliable? You gotta know it.
  • Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

  • Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
  • Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
  • Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 9-15

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are feeling flush. You have lots of time to get drunk, but remember to leave your car at home, because wherever you go, there will be a breathalyzer test near you. This is important, because Aries people sometimes think they can get away with all kinds of shit. You wouldn’t think that, would you? Try something cool and different: Shochu for you.

Taurus, the stars are telling you to be a lazy douche this week. If that sounds like you, then find someone else to make new and exciting drinks for you—someone with patience…someone who can make buttered rum from scratch. You have to be nice to this person though, or the deal’s off.

Your emotions are a roller coaster, Gemini. People think you’re a meth-head; you’re so manic you can’t sit down. What you need is a project: Malibu jello shots. Find some peach or passionfruit Jell-O and substitute Malibu for one of the cups of water. You’ll have to wait for it to set a bit, but you can use this time to drain the Malibu bottle.

You have formidable emotions to harness this week, Cancer. Your mission is to subdue your inner crybaby and get happy. Try meeting new people who don’t know anything about you. With new people you have a clean slate—they won’t get so angry when you barf white rum all over them.

You’ve been too mature lately, Leo, so it’s time to get silly. You should mix a ridiculous cocktail and take it to work. I’m thinking vodka, creme de bananes, and amaretto. If people ask you why the spreadsheet isn’t adding up, moon them.

The universe is trying to create peace in your life, Virgo, but it can’t because you’re always trying to take charge. Ease up with a beach-style drink: equal parts watermelon schnapps, blue curacao, and triple sec. You’ve been too controlling, so you need to drink this until you lose all control.

Libra, whatever negativity you’ve been hanging on to, you need to let go of it now! It’s time to be positive and live in the moment. Whip up some pink lemonade with some Canadian Club, ice, and a little water; add Cool Whip and froth it up some more. Make yourself a Cool Whip beard.

Scorpio, later in the week you’ll need to be careful with facts and figures, but for now it’s playtime—equal parts Tia Maria and rum, shaken with pineapple juice and ice. Although I always recommend taking mixtures like this outside in a flask, this is a bad week for it. People will mess with you and put you on the wrong bus unconscious, so you should hang in.

Sagittarius, you mustn’t trust your own judgment this week. Let others tell you what to do. I’m going to start by recommending this crazy Root Beer Float. Look into my eyes! Do it! Combine Smirnoff, Cuervo, Galliano, Kahlua, cream, and Coca-Cola! What the hell this has to do with root beer I don’t know, but the cops will be taking a full report after your revved-up evening.

You’re in for an insane week, Capricorn. You’ll barely be able to duck when things get thrown at you (and you know how helpful alcohol is with agility). But it really is hopeless, so drink up anyway, and start early. Coffee’s pretty boring without Kahlua and creme de cacao in it.

Your powers are returning to you, Aquarius, and you are both magnetic and intimidating. Others will watch your exploits with admiration—in fact, you’ve never been so influential. Therefore this is the only week, perhaps, that you can get away with drinking Jagermeister and Southern Comfort openly at work. YEAH! Mix it up with some tonic. Your coworkers will be fawning over you.

Pisces, you need to speak up when people do you wrong. Sometimes that’s hard, but a little alcohol might loosen you up enough to express yourself. This week calls for sweet, soothing concoctions. Here’s an idea:

  • 1 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 2 oz Frangelico
  • 1 oz cream
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1/3 cup peanut butter

Got a big martini shaker? Shake this like crazy with ice so it doesn’t come out chunky. A lot of ingredients, eh? How will you find them all in jail?