malibu

Daylight savings? What??

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve never been thrown so off balance. I thought it was almost noon. I was going to recommend the following to those of you who have reservations about drinking in the a.m. hours:

  • 3 oz Absolute vodka and 1 oz raspberry Chambord, strained through ice into a martini glass

We don’t have any vodka in the house, so I was going to substitute some languishing Bacardi Big Apple. Nor do we have raspberry liqueur, so I was going to use Malibu. And next thing you know one of my parents was informing me the clock had changed, it was early, blah blah blah, and lecturing about going on a matutinal bender. Seriously…

You know what time it is, right? And that’s all that counts. So what time is it?

It’s party time. You’re welcome.

Help! I’m dry!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Last night when I approached my mum about doing a long-overdue booze run to get us stocked up, I found her watching a podcast on alcoholism of all things. I said, “Hey, what about the shopping, then? I have reviews to do,” and she said, “Well, about that.”

She said she was not entirely convinced of my harmlessness.

I said, “If you are talking to bears then we’re way past harmlessness and into something more like psychosis. Get me my liquor.”

And then she said, “You’re not the first bear I’ve ever talked to. And you won’t be the last.” Then she went back to her podcast.

I said, “I need the following: Grey Goose, some Kirschwasser cherry brandy, Jim Beam, and of course more Malibu. We always need Malibu.”

Then she said: “I’m feeling a little guilty about you. You have, perhaps, gotten out of control.”

I decided I didn’t like the tone this was taking and continued with my list. “And I need Nesquik. I’m going to put Nesquik in the Grey Goose. To make it more family-friendly.”

“Why don’t you do something else, LB?”

“I don’t have anything else; this is all I’ve got.”

Her ass was in my way so I couldn’t shove her off the computer. And even if I could, my paws are not suited to typing; they’re just little nubs really.

So that’s where my liquor reviews are at today, people. I’ll let you know when my mum falls off the wagon.

MALIBU

My Fellow Inebriates,

There’s been a lot of buzz about Malibu lately and some controversy about how it pairs with various other liquids. One visitor took me to task for my assertion that there’s nothing Malibu doesn’t go with.

This bewildered me.

Malibu is a tropical coconut-infused rum, made in my native country Canada, containing rum, water, glucose-fructose, natural and artificial coconut flavour, soldium citrate and citric acid.

WHAT WOULDN’T THAT GO WITH?

A mickey-sized bottle of MALIBU has languished at the back of our cabinet for the last decade, begging to be combined with coffee, tea, root beer, hot chocolate…you name it. With its lack of complexity and bubble-gum notes, it lends itself admirably to any sort of combination you might put in a travel coffee mug if, say, you had to go to Chuck E. Cheese for a two-hour birthday party and didn’t think you could endure it sober.

MALIBU is at its finest when you hollow out a pineapple or a coconut and drink it straight-up therefrom. It’s only 21% alcohol so you can do the whole bottle from your hammock with minimal hallucinations. I like the way, when I spill it on myself, I enjoy the aroma of suntan oil for days after, even if my sometime girlfriend Dolly says that coconutty smelly is buried underneath mange and angst and some other odors she attributes exclusively to me.

I really love MALIBU and hope Stevie OB in particular will try drinking it out of a big hollowed-out fruit, even if such a thing costs 10 pounds in Wales right now.