liquor

Environmental Message

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’m really against driving. You see, I’m always drunk, so I mustn’t ever drive. And that kind of makes me an environmentalist. See, if everyone spent every day pie-eyed the way I do, no one would ever drive, and our planet would flourish.

Now, get yourself a big glass of vermouth and leave some comments about how you enjoy it. Did you know the word “vermouth” is German for “wormwood”? Well, why cook with something so special? You can afford it, so go fill up that Big Gulp cup and get sipping. I want to hear about all my friends’ vermouth experiences tomorrow when I drag myself out of bed.

You see, we’re out of vermouth at my house.

Oh yeah, and check out this video. I had no idea I could apply for a job like this, although I would have been hesitant to submit to the obvious surgical mods those bears in the video have had. Is it worth it? You tell me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I

APPLETON ESTATE V/X Jamaica Rum

My Fellow Inebriates,

In our liquor cabinet is a tiny bottle of APPLETON ESTATE Jamaica rum, purchased to make…a tiramisu.

This would offend me to my core had the tiramisu not been intended for my 2010 birthday. Yes, my parents do remember the date, assisted by kids so frantic for sugar that they would happily celebrate an animal’s birthday a day if they could in order to have cake.


The quarter-cup of rum my mum so generously included in last year’s celebratory dessert did, in fact, cook off, leaving a pleasant rum flavor but little of the hooch that yours truly craves so desperately. Yeah, yeah, it was nice, and everybody sang and scared the shit out of me with flaming candles, toward which my constant delirium tremens threatened to launch me, and all the rest of it.

Perhaps my malaise was evident last year, because this year my mum just gave me a shot glass of rum.

Not a standard pour, mind you, but what she deemed appropriate for a smallish bear. But, ahhh, it was delightful.

For quality my thimbleful of rum, despite being APPLETON ESTATE’S entry-level product, did not disappoint. Gloriously honey-gold and leggy (not that I could really test this part to my satisfaction, with my inadequate glassware), it wafted scents of banana, orange layered with molasses, and an ever-so-slight vanilla whiff at the finish. A touch oily in the mouth, APPLETON ESTATE V/X is a busy rum nested with flavors and imparting just enough burn.

I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THIS BEVERAGE FROM A LARGE SNIFTER, NOT A TEENY SHOT GLASS!

In fact, I would not mix this rum with anything, NOR WOULD I COOK WITH IT! It is heavenly as is. That said, it would make a swell rum-and-coke if you must. And if you wanted to visit me in jail one day (not there yet, just anticipating it could happen one day), you could bring me rumballs. But no other balls please!

Highly RECOMMEND!

SILENT SAM Vodka

My Fellow Inebriates,

One of my parents tells me that when she and her friends convened around the liquor store before prom with money in hand for a runner, all agreed said runner should just buy “something clear.” SILENT SAM was duly placed in their underage hands, and the rest is a historic blackout.

Of course it’s a myth that SILENT SAM has no taste. Water has a taste, air has a taste, and so does alcohol. But SILENT SAM is renowned for its ability to disappear into mixers. It’s filtered through silk to remove any impurities that might lend it extra, unwanted flavor.

And like most entry-level vodkas these days, SILENT SAM is distilled from grain, not potatoes, which would contribute a fuller taste.

First the silk. This makes vegans hopping mad: all those little wormies being exploited just to make a screwdriver taste more like Tang and less like vodka.

I say those little guys are lucky; they should see what tequila producers do with worms.

Now the potatoes. Very few vodkas are made with actual potatoes these days, nor is a potato base essential to the definition of vodka (“water” in Polish). However, potato vodkas are more expensive to produce and tend to be more high-end.

Just this morning my good friend Boo suggested I try BISON GRASS vodka.

I woke my dad up this morning and told him to go and get me some BISON GRASS. Although he decided to be a jerk and go to work instead, I have high hopes that I can rope him into a grain-versus-potato experiment. According to another, much more eloquent reviewer than yours truly, it’s delightful: http://goodspiritsnews.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/gsn-review-baks-bison-grass-vodka/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

My dad’s priorities need reordering (what is with my parents and the stigma they think attaches to morning drinking?) but until he decides to help me by stocking our liquor cabinet, all I can do is humbly thank the booze-review pioneers who’ve already discovered all the good stuff out there. And for you Boo, I say: you’re one lucky bear to have a human who understands you. But will she boot for you at grad?