My Fellow Inebriates,
I’m really against driving. You see, I’m always drunk, so I mustn’t ever drive. And that kind of makes me an environmentalist. See, if everyone spent every day pie-eyed the way I do, no one would ever drive, and our planet would flourish.
Now, get yourself a big glass of vermouth and leave some comments about how you enjoy it. Did you know the word “vermouth” is German for “wormwood”? Well, why cook with something so special? You can afford it, so go fill up that Big Gulp cup and get sipping. I want to hear about all my friends’ vermouth experiences tomorrow when I drag myself out of bed.
You see, we’re out of vermouth at my house.
Oh yeah, and check out this video. I had no idea I could apply for a job like this, although I would have been hesitant to submit to the obvious surgical mods those bears in the video have had. Is it worth it? You tell me.