liquor

BLACK WIDOW Mild Ale (Tin Whistle Brewing Company)

My Fellow Inebriates,

Between worrying about an asteroid bashing into the earth (tonight!) and trying to persuade my girl Dolly that bestiality is a victimless crime—especially when yours truly would certainly not contact PETA if she resumed our canoodling (not that I have any traction with PETA after attempting to rehydrate my Sea Monkeys™ with vodka)—I’ve gotten behind on my drinking.

This is mostly the fault of my parents and their lackadaisical attitude toward liquor shopping. I’ve actually given up on them, which is where my small readership comes in:

Psssst! If you have any liquor—if you have brewed any beer, fermented any wine, cooked up any moonshine—let’s talk. I’d be happy to review it, and odds are my review would be favorable. You see, I believe that all alcohol has value.

And while I’m waiting for the FedEx human to show up with a case of something delightfully brain-blurring, I’ll tell you about the one beer I did get my paws on yesterday: BLACK WIDOW Mile Ale, produced by the Tin Whistle Brewing Company.

I was initially disappointed to see an alcohol percentage of 5% on the bottle. I’d just enjoyed Tin Whistle’s superb KILLER BEE ale two days before and been thrilled at its 6%, and so I was inclined to stick with a winner, but instead my mum bought the BLACK WIDOW.

We poured it into Reidel stemless red wine glasses. (Why? All the better for experiencing the aromas of a well-crafted beer.) BLACK WIDOW wafts a strong, toasty barley aroma up front, underlaid with coffee, caramel and woody hops. It has a lingering, leathery-dry finish that reminded me of a good stout, but with more crispness. It was so flavorful that I cried real tears when it was finished.

I RECOMMEND acquiring a bottle of BLACK WIDOW just in case we all survive Armageddon tonight and end up needing a pick-me-up tomorrow.

The end is near!

My Fellow Inebriates,

My friends the Beer & Whiskey Brothers have the right idea with their question of what beer to drink before a city-block-sized boulder hits us tonight. My fur’s been quivering since I read about this asteroidal mutha, and if it indeed has our little planet in its sights, there’s nothing to do but drink, people.

But I don’t advise sipping.

The prospect of our little blue marble getting plowed by an asteroid is so bowel-emptyingly fearful that you need to render yourself insensible for the impact. So here’s a list of non-sipping beers you can pound or shotgun as you brace yourself.

  • Budweiser
  • Labatt Blue
  • Molson Black Ice
  • Kokanee
  • Corona

You see, on the brink of an apocalypse, your tastebuds are just about useless. The fight-or-flight response galvanizes your body—your heart pounds, your lungs heave, blood rushes from your stomach, your pupils dilate, and you get a metallic taste in your mouth.

You’re ready to freak out, but you’re not the best judge of beer. This is why I RECOMMEND racing to your local booze shop to buy any or all of the aforementioned brews.

If this is the end, I’ve enjoyed getting wasted with you in cyberspace. Be strong, humans, and drink up.

Dolly, Dolly…

My Fellow Inebriates,

I actually overheard the following as one of my parents left: “I’m just getting groceries, nothing else. If that batshit crazy bear wants anything, it’s out of luck.”

“It’s”!!

Well, of course I wanted things. I had a list. It’s pouring rain outside, and I had a really cozy idea: Kahlua and butterscotch schnapps stirred into hot milk. Yum, right?

Okay, so I’d personally leave out the milk, but the concoction as described above is a good idea.  It’s so warming and romantic, so good for curling up by the fire.

Admittedly it’s something I dreamt up to lure my girlfriend back to me.

You’re probably remembering I told you about Dolly, and that she doesn’t like being called my girlfriend. She’s all human, she insists, and has decided to curb whatever fetishistic desires led to these pictures:

But I can’t help wondering, couldn’t a tummyful of coffee/butterscotch liqueurs couple nicely with a brainful of alcohol to effect a reconciliation? How many drinks would it take for her to stop calling me “mangy,” “infantile,” and “paranoid”? …

I just asked her and she said ten. But how can I get my parents to do my liquor shopping?