liquor

VANCOUVER ISLAND BREWERY SPYHOPPER HONEY BROWN

My dad looks awfully weird on Skype. I’m not used to his head being twice its normal size, but I put up with it because I had some questions about the trade show he’s attending in Toronto.

What is there to drink in Toronto? Will there be liquor items coming back? To me?

My dad said he went to an Irish pub for supper and ate fish and chips with his boss. My dad is totally boring.

Are there strippers and hookers there? Or both?

My dad said he’s at an electronics trade show and that therefore it’s full of geeks. I interpreted this to mean there would be both strippers and hookers. My dad said, “Actually, no,” at which I winked. The kids were sitting right beside me, after all.

Does my dad know that Fluffy turned the oven on while Mum was driving him to the airport?

My dad said he must have accidentally jostled the switch while he was pouring his coffee. (I don’t think so. My mum is at least a class-B OCD nutjob and she would have checked that before leaving the house.)

Does my dad think that Fluffy might burn down the house?

No. My dad commented (to my mum, right in front of me!) that I’m paranoid.

I asked whether my dad knew that we had purchased a 12-beer sampler from Vancouver Island and that it was all going to be finished before his return on Wednesday along with several bottles of wine.

He said he was really trying to Skype with the kids, if I didn’t mind (!)

It turned out to be untrue anyway. Yes, we did buy The Vancouver Island Brewery Pod Pack, but—because my mum is totally boring—we opened only one bottle: SPYHOPPER HONEY BROWN. It pours a lovely clear gold and has a very pleasant aroma—honey, hops, nuts, and some very mild floral notes—quite a complex nose for a honey brown ale. The bees who supply the honey make it from wildflowers local to Vancouver Island, contributing a delicate subtlety that I haven’t found before with this type of ale.

There’s some real achievement in the balance between scent and taste here. Floral essences can be tantalizing to the nose but intrude on the flavor. SPYHOPPER manages to suggest flowers to the olfactory department but withhold them from the tongue, instead bringing forth malt, honey, and hops and extending those flavors with crisp carbonation and a satisfying finish. The mouthfeel is a little on the thin side, but this is only a winter criticism—SPYHOPPER would be an unbelievably refreshing summer beer, that special kind you can pound or sip.

Lighter body makes SPYHOPPER a more middle-of-the-road drinking experience than most honey ales. It was very satisfying, and I would certainly get it again. In fact, if we can pound all of it before my dad comes back, then we’ll need to buy some more so he doesn’t feel left out.

That is, if the house is still standing. Last night Fluffy didn’t turn on the stove. (He wouldn’t dare! We’re watching for that!) But he turned on one light—the downstairs kitchen light, and the one my mum would be least likely to leave on (because of the time the kids flooded the bathroom just above it and sent water pouring through the ceiling where that light attaches). But in the morning, that light was on.

I don’t know what to think. Fluffy was my Granny’s bear, and my Granny was nice. So if Fluffy is housing her restless soul, shouldn’t he be doing nice things? Or NO THINGS AT ALL??

ASTROLIQUOR for March 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your loyalty gets tested this week, Aries—be careful or you may lose your soulmate. It all boils down to horniness and your penchant for naughty encounters with strangers at the supermarket. Those people who expose their thong underwear at Walmart make your knees wobble, but before you let them seduce you, you need to understand how deeply disturbed they are. If you must indulge, any trysts should be at their place, not yours, because they tend to leave their mark (cinnamon schnapps and tabasco), and you don’t want your true love to find it. Beware of Libras.

Taurus, it’s one success after another for you this week. Get into everything—business, real estate, renos, finance, legal stuff. You’re a powerhouse: immune to illness and super-jacked-up on Dr. Pepper. But if you maintain this frenzy, you’ll freak people out and miss the chance to get lucky Wednesday or Friday. Cut that caffeinated beverage with brandy after you’ve done all your work.

You’re cut off, Gemini. No, I don’t mean booze; I mean money. You haven’t been spending wisely, which has led to a pile-up of frivolous belongings. These things weigh you down and prevent you from spur-of-the-moment travel. Call a moratorium on household spending and funnel your funds into liquor. It doesn’t take up much room, and it’s constantly disappearing. Start with some light rum, then use that frivolous blender that usually takes up counter space to frappé it with some cantaloupe and OJ.

Don’t feel insecure about your physique, Cancer, you’re not even close to looking like one of those People of Walmart (they’re usually Libras). People who truly know you don’t judge you on your outward attributes; they care much more about your liquor cabinet. Make sure you have some Smirnoff and vermouth on hand; you will meet a Virgo who likes a dry martini.

Leo, it would be foolish to make plans on your own this week. You can’t be trusted to be sensible, so enlist loved ones who are less drunk than you to give you perspective. But don’t abuse them! Try to empathize with the effort it takes them to tolerate you on an apple brandy bender. Oh yeah, and you’ll have a dinner date with a Virgo. Try not to throw up before the evening’s over.

A friend is bending your ear with a get-rich-quick scheme, Virgo, but you remain wisely skeptical. If this pal becomes too persistent, break out the Blue Curacao and ply him/her with it until the fantasy subsides. Not that high achievement isn’t possible for you. Just not through partnerships with nutty friends. You’ll probably have a three-way this week and, again, Blue Curacao will be a factor.

Libra, this is a great week to establish an understanding among friends who’ve held long-term differences. Honesty is the best policy. You’ll tell them you dislike their politics; they’ll tell you your sweatpants are inside out and exhibiting a brown skid mark. They’ll also urge you not to get caught in any more People of Walmart photographs. Grab some Absolut and drink a toast.

Sometimes you have a hard time expressing your true feelings, Scorpio. Bottling everything up has worked well for you in business but not so well in relationships. Fact is, you envy people who wear it all on their sleeve. You can be like them! It just takes Captain Morgan (rather a lot, actually). Try mixing it with watermelon schnapps, and next thing you know you’ll be pouring out your life story.

Sagittarius, you have not one but two stalkers—lucky you! One is a borderline lunatic but the other has potential. Call off the restraining order and invite this (second) person into your home. Break out the vanilla vodka and drink all night; then put it in your morning coffee. This person is okay. The other person, though, might be watching through the window. Sorry, Sagittarius.

This week features a pivotal career decision, Capricorn. From that stems an important decision about your living arrangements. Who knows? You might throw your present career away and go back to school, which might require some residential downsizing. It’s exciting for you, Capricorn, but your life partner will probably get nervous, wondering if you’ll jettison him/her. Have a heart-to-heart over a nice bottle of wine.

Aquarius, you’re not your usual strident self; something is mellowing you out. Perhaps it’s your budding realization that money isn’t everything. Perhaps it’s the resurfacing of an old fling. Or maybe it’s just what happens when you pound rum and anisette all day.

Pisces, how about a bet? Your recent stability is bumming you out, so it’s time to reintroduce risk into your life. Don’t weigh the pros and cons; just find a stock and go big. But save some money for liquor. You’ll be sad if you lose everything and have to buy cheap gin.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 24 to March 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are missing out on valuable REM sleep. Try to meditate during your daytime pre-drinking hours. See if you can go into a dreaming state, then write everything down that you see. You’ll be surprised at the creative thoughts churning around in your head. Those ideas want to get out of your head, but they have to swim through a lot of Smirnoff.

Taurus, your mornings are pretty rough this week—aches, pains, tremors. A nice steam bath will fix you up and, one would hope, involve washing that vodka sweat off…so hurry and do it, because your colleagues expect you to deliver a big presentation. OMG, can you hold it together with a headful of Absolut and Cointreau? Let positive thoughts wash over you. Make your presentation as vapid and catchword-laden as possible. Your audience will cheer and invite you out for more drinks.

Relationships are evolving, Gemini, and generally for the better. You’re figuring out what people mean to you, and which Facebook friends you can jettison. This will help you focus at work and give you more time to enjoy gin with coconut cream. Meanwhile, there’s a very seductive Capricorn making your fur stand on end. Be careful…your partner knows all about it. Better make sure you have extra gin.

Cancer, if you’ve been single for a while, this week features an exciting new fling. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll be yawning a bit. Those of you in the former category, enjoy. Those of you in the latter category, enjoy this:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 2 oz light rum
  • 2 oz whiskey
  • 1/4 cup creme de cacao
  • 4 oz cream of coconut

Blend and pour over crushed ice. This is as interesting as it’s gonna get for you this week, so get busy.

Leo, a friend who’s into charitable works will ask you for help with a cause this week. Your impulse is to say yes, throw aside your work, family and all other considerations, and help your friend. That’s cool, but make sure it’s a real charity you’re helping. You don’t want to commit your time to sewing pointy white hats or collecting Richard Dawkins books for an anti-evolution bonfire. The best way to avoid this sort of bad judgment is to break out the rum the moment you wake up. Then keep pouring it in your coffee all day. Ahhhh! When your friend phones, you won’t even be able to form the word “hello.”

Why are you letting yourself get trodden on, Virgo? Normally you’re pretty good at taking care of yourself, but this week brings insecurity and obsessive compulsiveness. The little details overwhelm you, and you lose focus on boundaries. Just like Leo, the best way to avoid being taken advantage of is to hole up inside with a strong drink. I see you lying on the kitchen floor, 12 parts Jagermeister and six parts apple vodka swirling around your brain. If that’s not being the captain of your soul, I don’t know what is.

Libra, your recent pessimism has taken a hike, and skies look blue to you now. Everything is going your way, your energy is bubbling, and you feel safe and secure. Naturally this makes you magnetic to others. Saturday will bring plenty of admirers, including one who’s willing to split a bottle of bourbon with you. Go for it.

The stars are influencing you positively this week, Scorpio. The social calendar looks good, especially Thursday, and you’re fielding attractive invitations to dinner. It’s tempting to order everything on the menu, and not such a bad idea if you want to absorb alcohol and stay alert dessert, which is, naturally, a liquid suggestion:

  • 5 oz espresso vodka
  • 2 oz chocolate liqueur
  • Hershey’s syrup to taste

Sagittarius, although you’ve been vehemently in favor of one strategy at work, this week you’ll do an about-face, causing everyone to wonder if you are a lush. But you’re not the only screw-up at work. So you freak out and let everyone have it! You belittle your colleagues: the weak links, the laggards, the busybodies—everybody. Then you pull a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire out of your desk drawer and openly shake it up with some vermouth in your Starbucks mug. Wow! Unforeseen holiday for you.

You’re fed up with the slow pace at work, Capricorn. But even though you feel you should be further ahead in your career, your colleagues respect and appreciate you. They don’t see your insecurities because you mask them so well behind a constant, some would say shit-eating, rye-whiskey-fueled grin.

Aquarius, a long-hoped-for meeting will take place this week. But you may be disappointed with the other person; he/she can’t possibly live up to your expectations. This will strain the relationship, leading to a mutual bender involving vodka, rum, and whatever else you two can think of to make each other more tolerable. Try Midori Melon liqueur—it gives everyone a happy sheen.

Pisces, there’s no sense getting angry at that coworker who swiped your Kool-Aid/vodka/rum concoction from the communal fridge. Although your boss may back you up, he/she will also remember the incident, when really you should maintain a low profile. You’ll need it for the next time the cops come into your workplace looking for you. You want to be that guy whose name the boss doesn’t remember.