liquor

ASTROLIQUOR for March 23-29—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your chart is telling you to organize your home, Aries. You need to have your shit together for when the sun enters your sign. So get it done now, because when the sun gives you this powerful surge, you don’t want to be holding a feather duster; you want to be doing something big. This is not the week to go halves on anything—it is not a weak week. Your power drink: two parts Kahlua with one part white tequila. YEAH!

Taurus, you need to pull your own weight but still be a team player. As unreasonable as this sounds through a haze of Grand Marnier, it will help you accomplish extraordinary things. So cut that liquor with some coffee and observe your colleagues carefully. Pay heed to what they do, not what they say. If you like what you see, share your flask.

You have the energy of a crazy artist this week, Gemini, giving you a creative boost, along with some mild psychopathy. Yes, your life is out of balance, but the flow feels so good… Sometimes creativity, zaniness and poor judgment make a perfect mix. It all cries out for a strawberry-banana daiquiri (but keep your hand out of the blender).

You’re very susceptible to magic tricks right now, Cancer. This makes you a potential dupe for scientologists and vacuum-cleaner salespeople. The suspension of disbelief you’re experiencing has a deceptive charm—watch out! You could end up buying a whole case of Girl Guide cookies, and you know your money would be better spent on vodka.

Leo, you have a difficult choice ahead. What you decide depends on the quality of your information. So keep your senses tuned—what you learn could change your whole life (no pressure). Now is not the time to black out. Maintain partial consciousness by diluting vodka with less potent products:

  • 1 oz melon vodka
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 4 oz apple cider

Shake with ice and strain into a collins glass.

Your chart is hot, hot, hot, Virgo. You’ve been working hard, and more importantly, you haven’t become complacent. The universe is rewarding you with opportunity, wealth, and status. You’ll be offered leadership—take it! No, I mean really take it, because later in the week the universe is going to crap out on you and serve up all kinds of insecurities. So get into that cushy job or make your move with that special someone right now before things go sideways. And when they do, console yourself with a big pitcher of Bailey’s, Kahlua, and banana liqueur.

Libra, everything is giving you GO signals, with a focus on personal relationships. The sun enters your House of Marriage (OMG!), which means you need to hide briefly—it’s not a good time for long-term commitment; there are some retrograde planets messing around in your constellation that could spell mating disaster. Stock up on rum and triple sec; combine them 4:1 with some lime juice. Drink inside your house, alone.

If karma exists in the universe, Scorpio, you’re having trouble perceiving it. Luckily your fortunes are shifting, flooding you with new information and understanding. You’ll be able to understand people’s past actions, their true motivations, and their sometimes nefarious goals. These are the sort of realizations that can knock a person out. Keep that third eye open with a little Jagermeister. If it grosses you out, drop it into a beer.

Sagittarius, be patient this week, no matter how difficult it seems. You’re a couple of steps ahead of the rest of the world, but if you don’t let it catch up, you’ll end up in trouble. Divert yourself with some empty sex; you need to vent some of your passion or it will spill over. And of course you could always stay home and get wrecked, especially if you’re worried about chlamydia. Cherry vodka and sprite for you.

An accidental meeting may lead to a serious relationship, Capricorn. You’re surprised by your hunger for human connection—as though you’d forgotten that dimension of yourself. But you know how it is when you look too desperate…you attract predatory types. Ease off, be cool. Differentiate between love and sex; you can have one without the other (which one is up to you). If you’re worried about looking worried, load up on Cosmopolitans before pursuing the relationship in question.

Aquarius, this week brings you good cheer. The universe has a rosy glow and you are in the mood for frivolity. In fact, serious people can kiss your ass this week. You’re looking for animalistic types that you can have an orgy with. Find some and invite them over. Serve up a big punchbowl of rum with elaborate ingredients floating in it.

Pisces, your head and your heart are in one of their famous conflicts. You know what you should do, but you don’t wanna. Whether this is due to immaturity or a headful of Jagermeister and Blue Curacao, it poses danger in situations involving finance. This is not a week to experiment with investing! Use your money to stock up a kick-ass bar.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re itching to solve a puzzle, Aries. If you’re into paranormal exploration, this is the week for it. So get out that Ouija board and start channeling. Perhaps Fluffy, the possessed bear who is freaking the shit out of me, could join you on Saturday. You guys could break out the vanilla vodka and talk to the dead. And I’d stay home with our Malibu dregs, feeling safer than I’ve felt since he came to live with us.

Taurus, your friends are uncomfortable with you. You’ve been so busy building your career and gathering possessions that you’ve bored the hell out of them. Sort your relationships out with a Malibu party. Ten parts Malibu to 20 parts lime-flavored rum (plus some Blue Curacao to make it pretty) should do it. You’ll have your friends back in no time—reeling and vomiting all over your house.

All your peeps are slacking off, Gemini, and for some reason the lectures are coming easily to you. But be careful—your lack of diplomacy will give you headaches later. People who go on self-righteous streaks should always remain indoors where they can yell at the TV while pounding Bombay Sapphire. Be nice to the pets, though, and consider sharing your gin with them.

All that Everclear in your system is catching up with you, Cancer. Time to switch gears, hit the spa, and—dare I say it—ease off on the liver. If you can stretch that organ out until 2020 or so, you’ll be able to get a spanky new one grown in a lab. As cool as that sounds, you’ll need to make some wise investments so you can afford it. This is a great week to research financial options. (And after a little rest you can start hitting the Everclear/Red Bull/Gatorade shitmix again.)

Leo, your mouth could get you into trouble this week. Remember, you’re not telling a lie if you opt not to say something. I know, it’s very hard to withhold the truth when you’re absolutely hammered. So here’s an unpalatable cocktail that you won’t be able to consume in bulk:

  • 3 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz rootbeer schnapps (yes! they make this stuff)
  • 1/3 oz Goldschlager
  • 1 oz Dr. Pepper

Then again, you might really dig this drink, in which case you’d better drink a LOT of it so you can’t talk at all.

You’re looking good this week, Virgo, and nothing seems to vex you. Colleagues are asking what your secret is. Tell them it’s Smirnoff pear-flavored vodka with a little Chambord that gives you your rosy glow and increases your productivity at work. What better way to get people off your back about the flask?

Libra, the spiritual world is beckoning. Whether you have a chance encounter with a psychic or whether you have a demonic golem like Fluffy in your house, now’s the time to engage with the supernatural. It’s not weird; even the most pragmatic people can benefit from meditation. And if meditation doesn’t help you find your Third Eye, there’s always Smirnoff. Try it with creme de cacao, triple sec, and cream. Ahhhh! Transcendence!

You get a burst of power this week, Scorpio. Now’s the time to control other people and get things done. So confident are you that you’ll arrive late for every single appointment—unapologetic and drunk. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. Drink scotch openly and no one will say a word against you. You are invincible!

Sagittarius, you have a sick friend who needs attention. Be supportive; this friend will rally to your side in the future. Opportunities to be unselfish lead to personal growth, which you desperately need. Although you’ve solidified a reputation as a vodka-swilling slacker, you’re entering a successful phase.

Daydreams capture your imagination, Capricorn, giving your work a semblance of smoothness. But a difficult problem will arise, requiring the support of colleagues to solve it. Oh no! With coworkers going into your file cabinets it will be hard to hide those bottles of JD, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. Better be preemptive and share first. After all, these people might get you promoted. Oh yeah, and one of them wants to have sex with you. Don’t do it! He/she is attached to someone who will seek revenge. Ack!

Aquarius, it’s okay to masturbate in front of the TV, but make sure the blinds are drawn; your neighbors are getting an eyeful. Likewise at the supermarket, bakery, or bus stop—be discreet! Maybe you need some alcohol to keep you out of trouble and dampen your horny impulses. Put Bacardi on your shopping list.

Pisces, your ambitions are on the upswing, as is your love life. You’ll have a brief flirtation this week, followed by some watermelon schnapps madness, but it won’t pan out. Just as well—with the stars supplying plenty of career and educational opportunities this week, small dalliances can only distract you from your path. If you try hard, you can stay out of jail.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You got wrecked last weekend, Aries, and you have similar plans for the one coming up. What starts on Friday may well continue into Monday. Phone your boss now and secure Monday/Tuesday off to recover. Sure, there’ll be a pile of work on your desk when you return, but that’s okay—it may reset your focus. Your attention span has been sketchy lately. Your brain cell count is probably down about 25% (and you know they don’t grow back!). That’s what comes of combining Smirnoff apple vodka and watermelon schnapps all day.

Taurus, somebody at work has a boot-heel on you this week, but you won’t let this freak control you for long. You are slippery as soap, and you know how easy it is to drop the soap. The drama that ensues will make your mate nervous as to whether your job is in jeopardy. If there was ever a time for Malibu, this is it. Mix it with some Blue Curacao and 7-Up to quell those anxieties.

You have plenty of opinions, Gemini, and this is a good week to share them. If you keep them to yourself and say “I told you so” afterwards, your friends will hate you. Tap into your self-confidence. This is a perfect week to tell people exactly what you think of them. And if you need a little help finding your nerve, a martini works wonders. For you, split-personality Gemini, a 4:1 gin-to-vodka ratio is perfect. Add vermouth and shake with ice; garnish with lemon. If it looks crystal-clear, you’ve done it right.

You feel busy but you’re actually your true lazy self, Cancer. But it’s a mistake to rest this week; your creativity is on a big upswing. Apply it to building a bar in your basement. Stock it with all kinds of Smirnoff, then branch outward to weirder things like Licor 43 and Blue Curacao. If you have your own bar, you’ll make friends more easily.

Leo, the psychiatrist’s couch is paying off with all kinds of insights into different areas of your life—work, education, relationships. You’ve learned what you’re good and not good at. For instance, you are very good at draining a bottle of blended whisky. You’re not as good at pacing yourself. Stretch that bottle out by adding other ingredients:

  • 3 oz whisky
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz cream
  • 2 tsp icing sugar
  • 2 egg yolks

Shake everything up with ice and strain into a champagne flute. If you’re worried about salmonella, skip the eggs, cream and icing sugar. Ahhh!

Your personal enrichment continues, Virgo, with art and love elevating you above your daily routine. You’re enchanted to the exclusion of all others. And with your own big bottle of vodka, you don’t need anyone else. Maybe just some Gatorade for taste and rehydration.

Libra, you’re hot for somebody who doesn’t share your feelings. Awkward! Don’t harp on it; you stand a strong chance of becoming a stalker. If you get frustrated, share your feelings with an impartial friend. But don’t abuse this person! Friends can only take so much obsessive lunacy. Distract yourself with this crazy recipe:

  • 4 oz vodka
  • 1 oz Pisang Ambon (emerald green and fruity!)
  • 1 oz passion-fruit liqueur
  • 2 oz vanilla ice cream
  • 10 oz pineapple juice

Shake it, shake it. What a lot of effort—but worthwhile if it banishes those crazy stalker thoughts.

A hook-up is in the stars for you, Scorpio. But will it be trivial or non-trivial? The only way to find out is to go home with that stranger. It’ll be a turbulent, emotional week, at the end of which you’ll be exhausted. This is not the week for experimenting with challenging recipes. I see you with one bottle in each hand, alternating Bacardi 151 and Wild Turkey.

Sagittarius, one of your posse will disappoint you this week, souring your relationship and derailing your emotions, which leads to more than a few work screw-ups. But don’t give up; you’ve invested a lot in this person. If someone offers to mediate, accept the help. Get out the blender, whirl up a big pitcher of rum, melon liqueur, lime juice, pineapple juice, and coconut cream. This is your Mediation Beverage. The three of you will either sort out your dispute or have a three-way—and if you’re lucky, both.

Ratchet up your efforts this week, Capricorn, and you’ll reach your goals. But don’t rope others into doing the work for you. Be patient and introspective. After a few days, look up from the grindstone and you’ll find someone checking you out. But it’s just a flirtation, not worth risking a long-term relationship. Ease up on the vodka so you don’t make any blotto decisions.

Aquarius, money isn’t everything, something you realize as the weather improves and nature becomes more attractive. Do outdoorsy stuff: feed birds, check out the ducks, go for a hike. It’s a little-known fact that hot people go outside. Don’t forget to take along a flask full of gin, just in case nature gets boring.

Pisces, you have to keep working no matter how tempted you are to pull a no-show. If you apply yourself, you’ll actually get results, although you have an unfortunate slack-ass reputation to overcome. Just remember, if you’re not earning money, you can’t buy beer. And the other incentive? Someone at work wants to get with you after hours.