My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Your chart is telling you to organize your home, Aries. You need to have your shit together for when the sun enters your sign. So get it done now, because when the sun gives you this powerful surge, you don’t want to be holding a feather duster; you want to be doing something big. This is not the week to go halves on anything—it is not a weak week. Your power drink: two parts Kahlua with one part white tequila. YEAH!
Taurus, you need to pull your own weight but still be a team player. As unreasonable as this sounds through a haze of Grand Marnier, it will help you accomplish extraordinary things. So cut that liquor with some coffee and observe your colleagues carefully. Pay heed to what they do, not what they say. If you like what you see, share your flask.
You have the energy of a crazy artist this week, Gemini, giving you a creative boost, along with some mild psychopathy. Yes, your life is out of balance, but the flow feels so good… Sometimes creativity, zaniness and poor judgment make a perfect mix. It all cries out for a strawberry-banana daiquiri (but keep your hand out of the blender).
You’re very susceptible to magic tricks right now, Cancer. This makes you a potential dupe for scientologists and vacuum-cleaner salespeople. The suspension of disbelief you’re experiencing has a deceptive charm—watch out! You could end up buying a whole case of Girl Guide cookies, and you know your money would be better spent on vodka.
Leo, you have a difficult choice ahead. What you decide depends on the quality of your information. So keep your senses tuned—what you learn could change your whole life (no pressure). Now is not the time to black out. Maintain partial consciousness by diluting vodka with less potent products:
- 1 oz melon vodka
- 1 oz peach schnapps
- 4 oz apple cider
Shake with ice and strain into a collins glass.
Your chart is hot, hot, hot, Virgo. You’ve been working hard, and more importantly, you haven’t become complacent. The universe is rewarding you with opportunity, wealth, and status. You’ll be offered leadership—take it! No, I mean really take it, because later in the week the universe is going to crap out on you and serve up all kinds of insecurities. So get into that cushy job or make your move with that special someone right now before things go sideways. And when they do, console yourself with a big pitcher of Bailey’s, Kahlua, and banana liqueur.
Libra, everything is giving you GO signals, with a focus on personal relationships. The sun enters your House of Marriage (OMG!), which means you need to hide briefly—it’s not a good time for long-term commitment; there are some retrograde planets messing around in your constellation that could spell mating disaster. Stock up on rum and triple sec; combine them 4:1 with some lime juice. Drink inside your house, alone.
If karma exists in the universe, Scorpio, you’re having trouble perceiving it. Luckily your fortunes are shifting, flooding you with new information and understanding. You’ll be able to understand people’s past actions, their true motivations, and their sometimes nefarious goals. These are the sort of realizations that can knock a person out. Keep that third eye open with a little Jagermeister. If it grosses you out, drop it into a beer.
Sagittarius, be patient this week, no matter how difficult it seems. You’re a couple of steps ahead of the rest of the world, but if you don’t let it catch up, you’ll end up in trouble. Divert yourself with some empty sex; you need to vent some of your passion or it will spill over. And of course you could always stay home and get wrecked, especially if you’re worried about chlamydia. Cherry vodka and sprite for you.
An accidental meeting may lead to a serious relationship, Capricorn. You’re surprised by your hunger for human connection—as though you’d forgotten that dimension of yourself. But you know how it is when you look too desperate…you attract predatory types. Ease off, be cool. Differentiate between love and sex; you can have one without the other (which one is up to you). If you’re worried about looking worried, load up on Cosmopolitans before pursuing the relationship in question.
Aquarius, this week brings you good cheer. The universe has a rosy glow and you are in the mood for frivolity. In fact, serious people can kiss your ass this week. You’re looking for animalistic types that you can have an orgy with. Find some and invite them over. Serve up a big punchbowl of rum with elaborate ingredients floating in it.
Pisces, your head and your heart are in one of their famous conflicts. You know what you should do, but you don’t wanna. Whether this is due to immaturity or a headful of Jagermeister and Blue Curacao, it poses danger in situations involving finance. This is not a week to experiment with investing! Use your money to stock up a kick-ass bar.
Liquorstore Bear 
I will dig myself a bunker to avoid marriage. Thanks for the warning, dear liquorstore bear.
My pleasure! I’m lucky; I don’t need to dig a bunker. Usually there are no takers. 😉