liquor

Cheers, Dad(s)

My Fellow Inebriates,

Presumably I once had a bear dad—i.e., a dad with 74 chromosomes, not 46 like my human dad. Although I can’t remember anything before coming to awareness at the liquor store, I was probably lucky to escape the dodgy life of a wild Kodiak bear. Hell, my bear dad probably would have eaten me in the wild, since that’s what male Kodiak bears tend to do.

My human dad has never tried to eat me. He’s never even tried to eat his human kids. The worst thing he ever does is take mysterious business trips without me. But even that has its upside.

For instance, he got back from Vegas yesterday. I’d assumed he would have wrecked himself at the casinos and bars, sticking coins in slots and bills into g-strings, but instead he got off the plane looking reasonably well rested and bearing a duty-free bottle. Ahhhh!

Cheers, Dad.

 

ASTROLIQUOR for June 15-21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, be prepared for professional events this week; you may well have to give a talk or address a boardroom. In the past you’ve done this with a drunken swagger, but maybe it’s time to get serious. This is your career, and you need more than liquid confidence—you need your reflexes when responding to executives’ rapid-fire questions. This makes vodka a liability. If you really want to succeed, add some Red Bull to it.

Taurus, your computer may give you grief this week, and you’ll search fruitlessly for the problem. It’s not an aging hard drive or a bad sector—it’s all the porn you’ve downloaded. Either it’s clogging up the works or it’s introduced a virus. Poor Taurus, you don’t even remember watching that porn. You were too wrecked on peach vodka. Go outside and find some fresh air.

Friends may call you pedantic, Gemini, the way you’ve been overanalyzing and lecturing. The more information you receive, the more confused you get, leaving you mired in dilemmas that are ultimately trivial. Could it be you’re too sober? Break out some Kahlua and peppermint schnapps, plus a splash of soda and a dollop of whipped cream. You need a whimsical drink to tame that rational mind and let your intuition play.

Cancer, you’re paying unusual attention to a Capricorn colleague—weirding this person out, in fact. Don’t become obsessive. Try to empathize… How would you like it if some rum-soaked lush kept lurching at you? Okay, well, you might like it. But it’s not good at work. Coworkers are starting to find you erratic. Back off on the Captain Morgan (and the stalking) until September.

Leo, you’ll get an inflammatory message from an old friend this week. Ignore the urge to send an immediate retort; a negative response could kill the relationship. Exercising restraint is hard when you’re perpetually gooned, but do try; if you can wait just a few days, you might decide not to respond at all, thereby preserving your friendship. You need a soothing libation: two parts Irish cream to one part raspberry liqueur. Mix it up with milk to dilute the alcohol and keep yourself from drunken emailing.

The phone is ringing, Virgo, in a good way. You’ll get a job offer from an old colleague. It’ll be good to get off the couch, you think. But then you wonder, Can I do better? This is exactly the thought pattern produced by a steady drip of gin and creme de menthe and punctuated by daytime talk shows. Sadly, you can’t do better, Virgo. Take the job so you can afford to keep buying gin.

Libra, you need to harness your determination; you have a strange week ahead. It’ll start out either very busy or very slow, then it will switch mid-week to the opposite. This will wreak havoc with your plans, especially if your level of activity is tied to finance. You’ll blunder through it by maintaining a watermelon vodka buzz.

Scorpio, I was too drunk to make sense of your chart, but I think you’ll be traveling to a destination with water. Maybe you’ll go to the seaside, or maybe there’ll just be potable water available. Wherever you end up, you’ll be offered a lucrative position leading to even more travel. Have you ever combined vodka with Coca-Cola and raspberry cordial? The stars say do it.

Sagittarius, you have a birthday present to buy this week, and no idea what to choose. Possible gifts are everywhere, but you hesitate, worrying that your choice won’t be bang-on. Fretting obsessively is always a bad sign—of sobriety. Fix it with a Blue Curacao bender, then go shopping hammered. You’ll buy all sorts of things, and something will work out.

Your stress level skyrockets over the next month, Capricorn. By August you’ll either crash and burn or find yourself on a successful path. But you won’t feel certain of anything until 2013. And really, none of us will. With the Mayan End of Days coming, there might not even be a 2013, in which case the remainder of your life is f#cked. Poor Capricorn, this calls for vodka and Blue Curacao, with Red Bull to prod you back to consciousness for bathroom trips.

Aquarius, this is a terrific week for creative endeavors and redecorating. Your sense of aesthetics is highly tuned; your self-confidence is high. Get to the paint store and look at swatches. Bid on a Dan Lacey painting to make your decor unique. Speak your mind, even when people don’t want to hear it. Make sure you do this via email or phone so you don’t start a barfight. You are destined for one, but busying yourself with a recipe might help:

  • 4 oz vodka
  • 4 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz amaretto
  • 1 oz Midori melon liqueur
  • 1 tbsp sweet-and-sour mix
  • Juice to taste (I’m having “none”)

Pisces, the stars are favorable for romance; you could have a real relationship this week and not have to leave money on the dresser. This fills you with giddiness. Go with it—hollow out some coconuts and pour in brandy and banana liqueur. Your new partner will love the way you do whatever you want. But look out! A jealous third party will try to undermine this romantic picture. Share that booze so you can keep some of your wits about you.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 8-14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You regard your relationship as immune to interference, Aries, but keep any Sagittarians you know on your radar, because one could get between you and your partner this week. The catalyst will be a shot—actually, shots—containing peppermint schnapps, peach schnapps, vodka, and grenadine. What ensues will last until September, and it won’t necessarily be mindless and debauched.

Taurus, nature will beckon this week, although appointments may interfere. Like many Taurus types, you feel a constant need to desist from working. You daydream at your desk, feeling sorry that you get no holidays, when in fact you’re always on a mental holiday. It’s okay to vacation this way, especially with some Grey Goose in your desk.

Without opportunities to vent, Gemini, you’re on a path to snapping, so be sure to bust out this week at the bar rather than tormenting your coworkers. You don’t want them to think you’re a tool. If you can’t get to a bar, pack that booze along to work with you in the mornings. A shot of Bailey’s in your coffee will work wonders, and hey—wouldn’t your boss prefer you drunk and positive than sober and negative? Totally.

This is a terrific time to improve your home, Cancer, but doing it cheaply is a challenge for you. Self-discipline isn’t your strong suit; if it were, you wouldn’t have chugged all that Vincent Van Gogh espresso vodka last week and permanently puke-stained a decent pair of shoes. Try seeking out simpler pleasures and small purchases for your house such as throw-pillows in a barf-camouflaging dark color.

Leo, someone is counting on you this week, but you’re too distracted to help. The distraction is a love interest of the unattainable kind—someone who’s taken, perhaps, or maybe a blood relative. This is not a good time to load up on watermelon schnapps, especially at a family picnic. Go easy on the booze, at least until your forbidden urge(s) pass(es).

An exciting week lies ahead, Virgo, featuring parties, good friends, and lashings of Stolichnaya. Your star is rising socially. Get in touch with old friends, especially a Capricorn from long ago who pops into memory. I see you on a happy bender, making effusive toasts with espresso martinis, and wearing a thong.

Libra, things are going to break and spill this week, so think about plastic mickeys, and remember—you can always buy more vodka if you need to. Sure, some douchebag associate will criticize you for being a sloppy drunk, but we’ve all been there. Of greater concern should be a message offering you an opportunity—something tells you it might not be legit. It’s really fun to answer all your emails while wasted, but don’t give your banking information to anybody just because they ask; make sure they’re somebody important, like the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria.

Someone within your social group needs you, Scorpio. Fortunately, you’re sensitive to friends’ moods and can react appropriately. At least when you’re not hosed! If this person hits you up after you’ve consumed a bucket of Drambuie with butterscotch schnapps, Kahlua, and Irish cream floating in it, then good luck, because he/she won’t be addressing the diplomatic you. Fortunately (yet again) this person is a sap and will forgive you anything.

Sagittarius, you’re under extreme pressure this week, seeking something that might not be attainable, and which competitors are also hotly pursuing. The solution may be to do a 180 away from this goal. Sometimes you can’t win. Hole up at home and find a distraction. Ever combined coffee, raspberry, and pear liqueurs with some bitters and then blended it up with vanilla ice cream? Me neither, but we should both do it.

A valuable offer crosses your desk, Capricorn. It could be a promotion or it could be a long-wished-for item such as an art object, suddenly deeply discounted. Take advantage now, before you overthink it. Some would say take a brisk walk and weigh the pros and cons. Boring! If your rational side is getting in the way, get out the vodka and rum, add some lemonade, and pound it.

Aquarius, good fortune is smiling. This is a great week to purchase lottery tickets (for small winnings) and suck up to your boss. Whatever madness you engage in, keep it moderate, because August features some purse-string tightening. Have no fear, though—by September you’ll be able to loosen the restraints again. For now, just buy a really high-quality vodka and try to sip it slowly.

Pisces, your house will probably get flooded this week, and while you’re camped out at a neighborhood gymnasium, hoodlums will break in and loot all your gin. It comes as crappy news to naïve you that other humans can be such jerks. Hang on until August, when things improve and you can take some sort of revenge. Or if you’re not the avenging type, just get drunk and stay that way.