My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
You regard your relationship as immune to interference, Aries, but keep any Sagittarians you know on your radar, because one could get between you and your partner this week. The catalyst will be a shot—actually, shots—containing peppermint schnapps, peach schnapps, vodka, and grenadine. What ensues will last until September, and it won’t necessarily be mindless and debauched.
Taurus, nature will beckon this week, although appointments may interfere. Like many Taurus types, you feel a constant need to desist from working. You daydream at your desk, feeling sorry that you get no holidays, when in fact you’re always on a mental holiday. It’s okay to vacation this way, especially with some Grey Goose in your desk.
Without opportunities to vent, Gemini, you’re on a path to snapping, so be sure to bust out this week at the bar rather than tormenting your coworkers. You don’t want them to think you’re a tool. If you can’t get to a bar, pack that booze along to work with you in the mornings. A shot of Bailey’s in your coffee will work wonders, and hey—wouldn’t your boss prefer you drunk and positive than sober and negative? Totally.
This is a terrific time to improve your home, Cancer, but doing it cheaply is a challenge for you. Self-discipline isn’t your strong suit; if it were, you wouldn’t have chugged all that Vincent Van Gogh espresso vodka last week and permanently puke-stained a decent pair of shoes. Try seeking out simpler pleasures and small purchases for your house such as throw-pillows in a barf-camouflaging dark color.
Leo, someone is counting on you this week, but you’re too distracted to help. The distraction is a love interest of the unattainable kind—someone who’s taken, perhaps, or maybe a blood relative. This is not a good time to load up on watermelon schnapps, especially at a family picnic. Go easy on the booze, at least until your forbidden urge(s) pass(es).
An exciting week lies ahead, Virgo, featuring parties, good friends, and lashings of Stolichnaya. Your star is rising socially. Get in touch with old friends, especially a Capricorn from long ago who pops into memory. I see you on a happy bender, making effusive toasts with espresso martinis, and wearing a thong.
Libra, things are going to break and spill this week, so think about plastic mickeys, and remember—you can always buy more vodka if you need to. Sure, some douchebag associate will criticize you for being a sloppy drunk, but we’ve all been there. Of greater concern should be a message offering you an opportunity—something tells you it might not be legit. It’s really fun to answer all your emails while wasted, but don’t give your banking information to anybody just because they ask; make sure they’re somebody important, like the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria.
Someone within your social group needs you, Scorpio. Fortunately, you’re sensitive to friends’ moods and can react appropriately. At least when you’re not hosed! If this person hits you up after you’ve consumed a bucket of Drambuie with butterscotch schnapps, Kahlua, and Irish cream floating in it, then good luck, because he/she won’t be addressing the diplomatic you. Fortunately (yet again) this person is a sap and will forgive you anything.
Sagittarius, you’re under extreme pressure this week, seeking something that might not be attainable, and which competitors are also hotly pursuing. The solution may be to do a 180 away from this goal. Sometimes you can’t win. Hole up at home and find a distraction. Ever combined coffee, raspberry, and pear liqueurs with some bitters and then blended it up with vanilla ice cream? Me neither, but we should both do it.
A valuable offer crosses your desk, Capricorn. It could be a promotion or it could be a long-wished-for item such as an art object, suddenly deeply discounted. Take advantage now, before you overthink it. Some would say take a brisk walk and weigh the pros and cons. Boring! If your rational side is getting in the way, get out the vodka and rum, add some lemonade, and pound it.
Aquarius, good fortune is smiling. This is a great week to purchase lottery tickets (for small winnings) and suck up to your boss. Whatever madness you engage in, keep it moderate, because August features some purse-string tightening. Have no fear, though—by September you’ll be able to loosen the restraints again. For now, just buy a really high-quality vodka and try to sip it slowly.
Pisces, your house will probably get flooded this week, and while you’re camped out at a neighborhood gymnasium, hoodlums will break in and loot all your gin. It comes as crappy news to naïve you that other humans can be such jerks. Hang on until August, when things improve and you can take some sort of revenge. Or if you’re not the avenging type, just get drunk and stay that way.