My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You regard your relationship as immune to interference, Aries, but keep any Sagittarians you know on your radar, because one could get between you and your partner this week. The catalyst will be a shot—actually, shots—containing peppermint schnapps, peach schnapps, vodka, and grenadine. What ensues will last until September, and it won’t necessarily be mindless and debauched.

Taurus, nature will beckon this week, although appointments may interfere. Like many Taurus types, you feel a constant need to desist from working. You daydream at your desk, feeling sorry that you get no holidays, when in fact you’re always on a mental holiday. It’s okay to vacation this way, especially with some Grey Goose in your desk.

Without opportunities to vent, Gemini, you’re on a path to snapping, so be sure to bust out this week at the bar rather than tormenting your coworkers. You don’t want them to think you’re a tool. If you can’t get to a bar, pack that booze along to work with you in the mornings. A shot of Bailey’s in your coffee will work wonders, and hey—wouldn’t your boss prefer you drunk and positive than sober and negative? Totally.

This is a terrific time to improve your home, Cancer, but doing it cheaply is a challenge for you. Self-discipline isn’t your strong suit; if it were, you wouldn’t have chugged all that Vincent Van Gogh espresso vodka last week and permanently puke-stained a decent pair of shoes. Try seeking out simpler pleasures and small purchases for your house such as throw-pillows in a barf-camouflaging dark color.

Leo, someone is counting on you this week, but you’re too distracted to help. The distraction is a love interest of the unattainable kind—someone who’s taken, perhaps, or maybe a blood relative. This is not a good time to load up on watermelon schnapps, especially at a family picnic. Go easy on the booze, at least until your forbidden urge(s) pass(es).

An exciting week lies ahead, Virgo, featuring parties, good friends, and lashings of Stolichnaya. Your star is rising socially. Get in touch with old friends, especially a Capricorn from long ago who pops into memory. I see you on a happy bender, making effusive toasts with espresso martinis, and wearing a thong.

Libra, things are going to break and spill this week, so think about plastic mickeys, and remember—you can always buy more vodka if you need to. Sure, some douchebag associate will criticize you for being a sloppy drunk, but we’ve all been there. Of greater concern should be a message offering you an opportunity—something tells you it might not be legit. It’s really fun to answer all your emails while wasted, but don’t give your banking information to anybody just because they ask; make sure they’re somebody important, like the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria.