humor

CASTILLO DE ALMANSA RESERVA (2008)—When you’re looking for a deal

My Fellow Inebriates,

When in doubt at the liquor store, buy one known and one unknown item. This gives you, if you happen to have a booze blog, something to review, as well as something reliable to get you ripped out of your head if the new item doesn’t work out.

LB at liquor store near and farOn Saturday we searched the liquor store for our favorite consultant, a dude who has literally NEVER BEEN WRONG about any recommendation and who, when asked about, for instance, the appropriateness of daily wine drinking, will snort derisively and say, “I grew up in Europe. We always had wine—dinner, noon, Wednesday, whatever.” Confronted with the notion of alcoholism, our guy would no doubt scoff again and point you toward an extraordinary find for under $15.

Which is one of the reasons we shop there. Our family tree may dangle one or two alcoholic berries, but at LBHQ we haven’t started worrying seriously yet (at least about the humans). Our main problem is guilt—every time we buy a bottle of wine, that’s a couple of kids’ swimming or gymnastics lessons, right? Seriously, we’ll bankrupt ourselves long before we the humans disappear clinically into the bottle.

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And so, carrying this perpetual guilt about what we might be depriving the kids of by spending money on liquor, we nevertheless entered the hallowed store seeking two cheap bottles in the hope they would overdeliver quality-wise for Easter dinner. But our guy wasn’t there to help us choose them. Instead we got this oily clown whose habit is to wander the aisles pitching hard liquor while describing his own drunken exploits.

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy this very much, but my mother isn’t a fan. She thinks this idiot is a major douche—an opportunist who uses his liquor-store gig to maintain a permanent buzz.

Again, this sounds fine to me. We could both tolerate it, in fact, if he wasn’t such a condescending git. Compounding it: My mother was wearing her low-rent rocker jeans and hoodie rather than the usual semi-presentable trenchcoat. She had a mangy well-loved bear in her purse. So this douchebag consultant’s immediate impulse was to divert her to the discount section. When she said, “Actually, I’d like a wine recommendation for Easter,” he proceeded to read verbatim from the shelf-talkers, mentioning after this epic customer-service effort that he’d just been to a wine show himself, “but of course all the wines I liked were very expensive.”

customer-service-smallHoly crap, we were both starting to feel hostile—maybe even marginalized. Never mind that, for complicated reasons, we were carrying a tube sock stuffed with large(ish) bills and we could have rocked our oenophilic world were it not for the persistent voice of conscience reminding us of P and V’s swimming and gymnastics fees. This dickhead had no right to point us toward the expired Budweiser in the corner. Okay, maybe we looked a little sketchy, but we had business there. Only one of us would have drunk our purchase out of a paper bag in the park—and lacks the thumbs to accomplish such antics. My mother had respectable plans for our wine purchase, otherwise she would have made a beeline for something offensive like GRAY FOX CHARDONNAY.

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If you haven’t given up on this post yet, you may wonder what we bought.

We decided to stick with two cheap winners, FINCA LOS PRIMOS TORRONTES (2011) and a Spanish fave, CASTILLO DE ALMANSA RESERVA (2008). A blend of Tempranillo, Monastrell, and Garnacha varietals, this $12.99 red wine was aged for a year in oak barrels before bottling, then cellared. The result is a mature, inky wine with considerable weight and structure—loads of dark berry character and a boozy finish. While some might argue that CASTILLO DE ALMANSA goes best with food, those of us who eschew food think it’s awesome by itself.

This wine is well known to bargain hunters. It’s big and bold, moderately tannic, and offers decent complexity in the licorice-cherry-oak vein. If you have the patience, which I usually don’t, it benefits from decanting and breathing. Or you can just pound it.

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It happens to the best of us

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ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.