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Countdown to midnight—How to pace yourself so you make it to the end

My Fellow Inebriates,

With one day remaining of this, the penultimate year of the Mayan calendar, some decent bubbly is in order. There’s a multitude of reasons to kiss this year off with some drama. Not only is 2011 the last full year before the Apocalypse; but it really, really sucked. All sorts of bad stuff happened—the continuing economic downturn, the drop in real estate values, earthquakes, natural disasters…And my granny died, so 2011 can kiss my furry ass.

When you want a calendar year to piss off as badly as I do, some proper booze is in order. You want to be borderline senseless when you shoo that rotten year out the door.

Here’s the menu:

9:00am—Every good breakfast starts with orange juice, but a fantastic breakfast features vodka too. I’m mixing screwdrivers.

12:00pm—Time to slow the pace a bit. There’s a long day ahead, and Dolly has promised me a midnight kiss if I agree to rub myself with Bounce dryer sheets first—and if I’m awake. A nice lager fits the bill. I like Sleeman.

3:00pm—No sense getting gooned yet, but the drinking must continue. The solution? A milkshake with rum and Kahlua. The ice cream will absorb some alcohol and stand in for lunch.

6:00pm—The buzz should be steady by now, so a slow sipper is in order. I’m thinking cognac and sherry with a little chocolate liqueur.

9:00pm—What the hell, close enough to midnight. Break out the tequila—it’s time for Fisting in a Mexican Prison.

11:45pm—Somebody splash me with water, because it’s time to get the champagne flutes out. You mean you haven’t bought some sparkly sparkles yet? OMG! Without further ado, some recommendations:

  • Yellow Tail Bubbles. Thirteen bucks isn’t too much of a gamble. Fruity, sparkly and tropical.
  • Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut. Not bad, not bad, especially for under $15. Fresh and citrusy.
  • Henkell Trocken. At $13.99 it gets the job done admirably. Bright and sparkly.
  • Moet & Chandon Imperial. This is the real deal, from the Champagne region and jumping with sublime orchard aromas and flavors. It’s $65, though, and, if you’re as hammered as I at midnight, an unfortunate waste.

12:00am 2012—If the pacing on this booze menu turns out to be okay, maybe I’ll get my New Year’s kiss.

What’s on your New Year’s menu?

Tame that New Year’s hangover! 12 ideas for before, during and after your celebration

Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

If I weren't furry this would really sting.

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

  • Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
  • Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
  • Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

  • Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
  • Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
  • Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

  • Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
  • Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
  • Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

  • Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
  • Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
  • Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Clear is good.

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

  • Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
  • Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
  • Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

  • Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
  • Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
  • Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

  • Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
  • Reliable? Basic science.
  • Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

  • Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
  • Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
  • Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

  • Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
  • Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
  • Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

  • Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
  • Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
  • Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

realgirlskitchen.com

  • Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
  • Reliable? You gotta know it.
  • Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

  • Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
  • Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
  • Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 30-Jan. 5—What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This is a very special week for you, Aries, which means you’ll be off the dole soon. If you can snag a job interview this week, take it, because you are hot, hot, HOT. The only thing that could ruin it for you is a bender. That’s why I’m recommending a gin & Coca Cola combination—your gag reflex will save you from yourself. Then again, you might like it, in which case…enjoy the soaps.

Taurus, the dark times are ending. Yes, things are getting happier, but shit in your house still keeps breaking. Could it be that you are knocking it down while drunk? Try to put breakables away before you start mixing vodka and Mountain Dew. Then you won’t need to spend your booze money on repairs. Oh, and one more thing: there’s an ill-intentioned Sagittarius stalking you, so don’t lose consciousness. I’m sorry if that’s creepy, but it was in the stars.

You are focused on beautiful things this week, Gemini—sculpture, paintings, pretty clothes. Don’t forget beautiful drinks! Here’s the perfect recipe for something pink and lovely:

  • 1 oz white rum
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 0.5 oz Grand Marnier
  • Splashes of cranberry or tropical juice

Shake with ice, then pour into an old-fashioned glass and garnish with a cherry. Beautiful to look at! But you won’t look so hot after half a dozen.

Cancer, you’ll encounter a stranger this week who turns out to be more familiar than you thought. A friend of a friend perhaps, or maybe an old school buddy from long ago. You’ll bond strongly over Jack Daniel’s. Be careful, though, and establish some facts before you start slurping it off each other. This person could be your cousin. Oh, snap!

Wish I could predict a torrid affair for you or at least some small intrigue, but it’s a “nothing” week, Leo, which is probably good for you and certainly good for the police. Whatever stimulation you need is up to you! Make sure you have a nice bottle of wine to keep you company or—if you’re bored out of your mind—a big bottle of Smirnoff.

You’re feeling young, Virgo, maybe even ten or twenty years younger than your actual age. Act quickly before self-consciousness intrudes, and install yourself at the trendiest bar you can find. Order embarrassing drinks and spread the love. I see you covered in whipped cream with people pointing and laughing behind you. YEAH! Here’s a good drink for second childhood:

  • 1.5 oz creme de cacao
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coconut cream
  • 3 oz cream

If you are seriously old and on heart meds, forgo the cream and order milk. You’ll still manage to embarrass yourself.

This is the time to negotiate all things financial, Libra, at least until the end of the week. Then it’s time to contact old friends. Remember you need to phone or visit people once in a while—phone sex doesn’t a full life make. Tell your friends you’ll give them special coffee if they come over, then load them up with cherry brandy. They might not have sex with you, but at least you’ll use up all that languishing Kirschwasser.

Your psychological problems are becoming more public, Scorpio. Try talking to a professional about stuff that’s bothering you. If that person turns out to be an idiot, trust the bottle instead—but only something strong will do. Dial back your angst with equal parts tequila, Jagermeister and peppermint schnapps. If that combo doesn’t cure you, it’ll spur a psychotic break, and sometimes those are cathartic.

Sagittarius, your problems seem very big, but if you read the news you’ll realize they are minuscule. Am I lecturing you? Yes, because the stars tell me you’ll be stalking a Taurus this week. Stop that! Adventures are good, but only when your special friends are willing. Here’s some preemptive punishment: Cointreau-and-cognac shots! Do lots of them so you’ll stay at home and avoid being a nuisance.

You’ve been doing too much pretending, Capricorn. You barely know yourself any more, and people are starting to think you’re a douche. Part of the problem is your pretentiousness about wine and whiskey. If you adhere to very high-quality alcohol, your tastebuds become spoiled. Reset your tastes with something bizarre before you become intolerable. Here’s your prescription:

  • 3 oz watermelon vodka
  • 3 oz watermelon rum
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz berry schnapps
  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • Gingerale to taste (I recommend “none”)

Shake it up and down it. After that, any wine is gonna taste awesome.

Aquarius, that thing you’ve been working on, that you’ve poured your heart into, that thing you’ve sweat blood for—well, your boss thinks it sucks. Drown your sorrows with some nice Russian vodka. A vodka bottle will never call you a loser. A vodka bottle is your friend. All the bottles are your friends.

Pisces, this week features an erotic attraction to two or three people, maybe all at once. Obviously liquor will be needed to manifest this idea properly. Malibu should do the trick, with lashings of melon, banana and cherry liqueur. With all those flavors flying around, the whole gang will be happy, and at least some of you should score.