4 reasons why you need a Bloody Mary right now

My Fellow Inebriates,

Twelve hours of swilling amber ale, champagne, red wine and Malibu leads to several things:

  • a furry tongue (if it isn’t already)
  • massive dehydration (especially if you’re non-polyester-based)
  • a thundering headache

Spending half the night in jail never helps either.

realgirlskitchen.com

New Year’s Day is only tolerable with the hair of the dog. And if you still haven’t mixed yourself a Bloody Mary yet today, then you must be a masochist. Why try to convince yourself that bacon and eggs will solve the problem? Hair of the dog trumps pig flesh and every other hangover solution.

But why?

There are a few schools of thought:

  • A hangover is essentially withdrawal from alcohol. Replenishing your system with fresh vodka will effectively quell its cries of privation.
  • The worst hangover symptoms are caused by methanol, an alcohol congener and the principal culprit in darker drinks such as red wine and bourbon. Methanol is metabolized by alcohol dehyrogenase—but so is ethanol. In fact, your body favors ethanol as a substrate, so by feeding yourself some nice clear booze, you generate a processing uptick. Arguably you simply delay the inevitable hangover, but in an oh-so-pleasant way.
  • Alcohol causes a sugar spike and hypoglycemic low. Drinking more of it is the fastest route to a new sugar bounce and happy times again.
  • The hair of the dog is homeopathic—“like cures like.”

If it’s good enough for Nazareth, it’s good enough for me.

Tame that New Year’s hangover! 12 ideas for before, during and after your celebration

Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

If I weren't furry this would really sting.

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

  • Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
  • Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
  • Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

  • Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
  • Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
  • Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

  • Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
  • Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
  • Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

  • Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
  • Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
  • Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Clear is good.

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

  • Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
  • Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
  • Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

  • Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
  • Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
  • Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

  • Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
  • Reliable? Basic science.
  • Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

  • Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
  • Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
  • Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

  • Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
  • Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
  • Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

  • Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
  • Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
  • Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

realgirlskitchen.com

  • Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
  • Reliable? You gotta know it.
  • Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

  • Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
  • Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
  • Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-

Hungover, anyone?

“The only foolproof way to avoid a hangover is to avoid drinking.”

I’m not even going bother to attribute this unrealistic advice to its source. Instead I’m going to share my friend Stevie O’s tasting notes on THREE beers he sampled recently:

Dude, I had TSINGTAO lager from China, SINGHA from Thailand and COBRA from India on the weekend.

  • TSINGTAO is full of flavour and a bit nutty. Real easy to drink and cuts through the grim of everyday life.
  • COBRA is a smooth affair and great with spicy food (tried with Mexican and worked really well).
  • The star of the show was the SINGHA from Thailand. Epic refreshing quality; the head is thick and sticks to the glass. Really mature; crisp taste with a herb-like dance on the tongue to finish. Hats off to SINGHA. GOOD STUFF.

I’m impressed with Stevie’s commitment to trying new beers. Some people, like my dad, gravitate to the same beer over and over. These people are boring. Stevie, on the other hand, is exploring exotic realms. I get the sense he needs a warm vacation. Right now it’s about 9°C in his homeland Wales, with rain in the near future—the very sort of fur-wetting weather we get subjected to here at LB HQ in Vancouver, BC. Perhaps Stevie’s foray into Asian beer hints of a need to get off his wet island. I know the feeling.

If you’ve been following me you know that this week has been devoted to tasting three beers. Unlike the non-stop party Stevie obviously had with his three beers, however, my tasting was a painfully rationed-out affair that stretched over the entire week. I wasn’t able to get properly drunk like Stevie O, who is apparently living my desired lifestyle.

But do I have a hangover? How could I, people? And I doubt Stevie had one either. Here’s why:

  • Good alcohol choice. Stevie stuck with one type of drink—beer, so his body didn’t have to shift gears and work harder to process different types of alcohol. Beer has the lowest percentage of alcohol too, although its carbonation can speed up alcohol absorption.
  • Food. Stevie paired his beer with Mexican food, which probably soaked up some alcohol, thereby slowing its effects. Hardcore alcoholics like yours truly don’t generally go in for food, but if you haven’t quite disappeared down the rabbit hole yet, you might want to try eating when you drink.
  • Pacing. Stevie obviously took the time to fully taste his beer. This is a great idea! I love getting loaded, but it’s important to enjoy the journey to oblivion.

So what if you’re less like Stevie O and more like these people? 

How should you avert a hangover?

  • Water—do NOT go to sleep without slamming back a couple of big glasses.
  • Aspirin—take two preemptively with that water.
  • Vitamins—C and B, since you’re getting into the pills.
  • Sleep—duh!
  • Breakfast—OMG, now this is really getting silly. I can’t think of anything less appealing than throwing food into the mix after a big bender. But supposedly eggs, juice and bananas can help because they contain cysteine, fructose and potassium respectively.