gin

The long-awaited gin shoot-out Part Deux!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Proving that Dry Weekdays are one of my mother’s worst ideas ever, Saturday’s Pre–Mother’s Day Gin Shoot-out quickly escalated (devolved?) into the kind of unbridled debauchery you get when lengthy privation provides the springboard. Yes, a party broke out at LBHQ. Yes, children were present, and it was mostly wholesome, at least until beddy-byes.

DSCN3534

Christine’s arrival kicked it off. Even without a canvas bag full of Scotch (we’d billed the evening as a gin tasting), Christine was a ray of sunshine and well worth the afternoon I spent hanging out on the window sill waiting for her. Truth be told, I’d been holding some navy socks of Christine’s hostage in hopes that she’d return for them. But when she arrived I was so overjoyed that I forgot to give them to her.

Jumping into gin seemed wrong to the humans (where do these ideas come from?) so we had a beer on the patio where we could watch five-year-old Miss V beating the crap out of a bush with a badminton racket.

And then it was time for gin.

In the running:

As with the Pre-Apocalypse Gin Shoot-Out, we decided to be scientific and sample the different brands two ways:

  • straight-up shots
  • in G&Ts identically prepared with President’s Choice tonic water, ice, and lime

BROKER’S PREMIUM LONDON DRY GIN

DSCN3439You may recall that BROKER’S GIN has been the object of a long quest at LBHQ. I first tried it before starting this blog and realized I couldn’t very well live without it. But in the last year BROKER’S disappeared from our booze shop’s shelves, and restoring it was an absolute odyssey finally accomplished thanks to the tireless efforts of my dear personal friend Julia Gale. I had built up BROKER’S GIN to mythical proportions in my furry head, and when it finally arrived at the store I think I heard angels singing (not those ones who mooch off scotch kegs, but the other, nice ones that don’t exist). Still, when you anticipate something so avidly, are you not setting yourself up for disappointment?

Straight up

There are no words.

eyes only large copy

Seriously, I don’t want to say “I told you so” because according to my parents I’m obnoxious enough, but…ahhhhhhhhh!

Delicate and floral with a rich backbone of citrus fruit and licorice, BROKER’S exudes a sophisticated, fresh scent—layered yet clean, a garden of delights. On the tongue it is gentle without being tentative, firmly hitting all the classic gin notes but somehow introducing a new register of untold harmonies. Indeed, BROKER’S was so nuanced that Christine spent a day thinking about it before commenting:

sherbetfountainsI finally figured out what that first smell was like with the Broker’s…I was thinking Licorice Allsorts but the heavier citrus with a hint of licorice was more like a waft of eating this candy from my youth….of course the gin was much smoother and subtle on the palate….I think Broker’s is my new favourite Gin……

My parents were in complete agreement, as was Blackie Bear, who unfortunately didn’t compare the BROKER’S with any other gins because he passed out.

DSCN3594

Gin & Tonic

We immediately worried that BROKER’S would disappear into a gin-and-tonic the way BOMBAY SAPPHIRE tends to. What gives punchier gins like BEEFEATER and GORDON’S the edge in a G&T is their ability to cut through the tonic. We wondered if the subtler BROKER’S GIN might get lost. But we were pleasantly surprised that it did not. BROKER’S asserted itself through the tonic magnificently, displaying its many-layered notes through the mixer in a perfect G&T.

DSCN3573

GORDON’S LONDON DRY GIN

We went into the shoot-out wondering if GORDON’S would prevail the way it did before—if not straight up, then certainly in a mixed drink. We are big fans of this solid, traditional gin, and it has been our go-to during the BROKER’S drought. GORDON’S is a juniper-forward, commanding James Bond–reminiscent gin without falling into the deep and boomy notes you find with juniper bombs like BEEFEATER. With its acceptably subtle character, how would it fare against BROKER’S?

Straight up

Back to back against BROKER’s, a straight sip of GORDON’S was surprisingly coarse and harsh. It certainly suffered in comparison. This was a shame, because GORDON’S is a perfectly serviceable gin for a martini, and had the misfortune to take the stage after a dazzling performer. There, there, GORDON’S…we still believe in you, but for $4 more per 750mL I’d rather have BROKER’S.

Gin & Tonic

Regardless of having been shown up by BROKER’s straight up, GORDON’S makes a mean gin-and-tonic. No complaints from anyone at the table.

BOOMSMA JONGE GENEVER

bOOMSMAThis was a new one for LBHQ. Probably we should have bought another London Dry gin, but we’d heard good things about BOOMSMA in a G&T, and the price was reasonable. Genever (Dutch for “gin”) has long been cherished in the Netherlands, more often as an ice-cold sipper than in mixed drinks, and although it has fallen out of style somewhat over the years, it maintains a high cultural standing.

Straight up

The first impression is how much sweeter BOOMSMA is than the other two. Despite being jonge (young) rather than oude (old) and therefore in the drier category, BOOMSMA delivers a relatively sweet burst to the palate. Moreover, it has a weightier, oilier mouthfeel. The taste itself is light and almost indistinct, although you can pick out light floral essences and characteristic gin notes. But as Christine and my dad concurred, it basically tastes like “gin for vodka drinkers.”

Gin & Tonic

BOOMSMA suffers the fate that BROKER’S so skilfully avoided: it disappears completely into a gin-and-tonic. The sweetness of the tonic masks BOOMSMA’s most notable characteristic, its own subtle sweetness, and takes out all the other tasting notes as well. BOOMSMA redeems itself by maintaining a nice boozy burn that manages to punch through the mixer. Certainly not a bad drink—just not very special, unless being a total creeper counts as special. Yes, MFI, BOOMSMA is so invisible that you find yourself adding more to your G&T. Next thing you know, it’s the next day and your cerebellum is doing this high-pitched scream thing.

gin-tasting mingler

By now a party had broken out, with other animals arriving, including this chihuahua that later made off with my bowler hat.

Results of the Shoot-Out

Here’s the breakdown (lowest being best):

gin tasting2 copy

    1. most favorite
    2. second favorite
    3. least favorite

Never, my fellow inebriates, has a Shoot-Out been so decisive. It would have been even more decisive had we included Blackie’s scoring of BROKER’S, but it wouldn’t have been fair, so here are his comments instead:

Dude, that was like…dude. I’m gonna have a little sleep now.

You and me both, buddy.

You and me both, buddy.

As for the rest of us, Christine and Dad emerged without a hangover. Mum had a two-day hangover, which serves her right for imposing Dry Weekdays. If she’d had her drink on throughout the week, she wouldn’t have gone nuts come the weekend, and her liver wouldn’t have been so out of practice. Meanwhile, Blackie still looks all wrong. And yours truly? I’m thinking, how soon can we do it again?

BROKER’S wiped the floor with these other gins. So the challenge is on.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 22 to 28, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Your booze horoscope is still a mess. I have to admit, dry weekdays are totally getting me down. I can’t even get up in the mornings, never mind figure out what the stars have to say. But finally—the weekend having officially been kicked off—I have a glass of wine in my paw, and the stars are forecasting. (But they are still full of shit.)

Aries, be careful with first impressions this week. It’s fine to be nude at home, but it’s no way to greet new acquaintances. You can stay in touch with your spiritual side without swinging your thing(s) around in public. In fact, you can change mentally. People are starting to recognize depth in you that wasn’t visible before. Could it be that you’re lucid this week? You got it, Aries, you’re this week’s Designated Driver.

Taurus, we all have responsibilities, and lately you’ve been keeping tabs on everybody else’s. Let go of the urge to compare, Taurus—you know other people are often douchebags and they will get away with whatever they can. It doesn’t have anything to do with you and your own objectives. Once you stop monitoring other people, you’ll feel free to go after what you want in life—i.e., Smirnoff with triple sec and Mountain Dew.

Gemini, your week promises to be free of f#ck-ups. If you play a sport, you’ll excel in it. If you go trawling the bars for a hook-up, you’ll find it. You might even get a job this week—but only if you book your interviews for the morning (assuming you can hold off till afternoon to pound that vodka-tequila shot). Life is good.

Cancer, crappy times are finally ending and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As you transition to a happier, saner life phase, people will seem more warm and colorful, and sleep will come more easily than it has in months. But life won’t be perfect! Something in your house will break (the stars don’t know what; they are just stupid balls of gas so they can’t be specific). And an Aquarius will be skulking around—maybe even stalking you. Do NOT share your Captain Morgan Tattoo with this person. Pour some Dr. Pepper into it and slam it back alone.

Leo, you’ll espy something beautiful and be overcome with desire. Whether an objet d’art or a pricey Champagne, you’ll insist on having it immediately, with no regard for financial consequences. But you should save some money this week, Leo, because something in your house will go on the fritz. Maybe an appliance, maybe your computer. That’s the thing about the stars; they like to be unspecific so they can say they were right—especially if you take their prediction as license to go apeshit-drunk in your house and wreck something.

You’ll encounter a stranger this week, Virgo, but a combination of peach schnapps, amaretto, Southern Comfort, and apple schnapps will ensure the two of you do not remain strangers. And the plot will thicken as you discover mutual acquaintances, enmeshing you in a prematurely complicated relationship. Who knows—maybe the two of you are even long-lost siblings? (Ew.) Your new involvement will keep your thoughts occupied all week, and maybe that’s a good thing.

Libra, you’ve got nuthin’ going on this week. The stars have literally nothing to say about your chart—nothing out of whack, no nutjob stalkers, no strangers stepping into your steamy shower. For some people a boring calm week is a comfort. For you…? Oh, for crying out loud, at least mix yourself a bizarre cocktail. Blend this up with two cups of ice:

  • 3 oz creme de menthe
  • 3 oz cinnamon schnapps
  • 2 oz cream
  • 20 of those little cinnamon hearts that hurt your tongue

Memory lane reaches out this week, Scorpio, especially if you are over 40 years old. Whatever age you felt best at, you’ll behave accordingly. And if you’re a young Scorpio with no drunken good times yet racked up, why not bust out this week? Either way, a lot of Scorpios will get involved in feats of immaturity this week. Mellow out afterwards with equal parts Kahlua, Bailey’s, and Frangelico (unless your drunken activities land you in jail, in which case…I once saw this movie in which a character made Merlot in the toilet, so you probably can too).

Sagittarius, negotiations look excellent this week, especially for big-ticket loans like mortgages. Don’t be afraid! You can make the payments, although you may have to settle for cheaper gin and whiskey. The stars see you sitting on your new porch drinking a Bud and telling yourself you like it. That’s awesome! It’s the North American dream. And you’ll have lots of friends too, but you must remember to phone them.

If you’re having a tough week, Capricorn, you should consider telling a stranger about it. There’s no sense laying all your shit on a friend or relative; find somebody on the subway and tell them all about your hemorrhoids. Then again, you could see a doctor, but a medical professional might tell you to lay off the Scotch. And for a final piece of astrological randomness…buy someone some flowers.

Aquarius, a nagging problem has started to seem insurmountable. Even when you read about global misfortunes in the newspaper, you still feel whiny and sorry for yourself. Perhaps you need a bizarre sexual adventure; these can be great distractions, and they tend to dovetail nicely with Cointreau and triple sec. Post the pics on FB.

Pisces, you’ll realize suddenly that you have been pretending—who knows for how long? Check yourself out in the mirror and look at all the things that have happened to you. OMG, was that bit there before? What about that pendulous thing? What is it exactly? Realizations such as these are the bane of the sober mind. The antidote is a tub of Sangria, so find some crappy Cab and throw a bunch of brandy and fruit into it. Or hell, just drink the wine.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.