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ASTROLIQUOR for September 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, even if you’ve been feeling your age lately, this week brings new energy. Whatever age you were happiest, that’s the way you’ll feel. Hark back to relatively mature times and you may find yourself sipping a Grey Goose martini. But good luck if you long for less mature times—you could end up shotgunning beers at the park. With apologies for gross stereotyping, this is a kick-ass way to feel young.

Taurus, this is the week to complete important negotiations. The terms won’t get more favorable, so sign the documents already. The sooner you get this boring task done, the sooner you can hit that box of white wine that’s been giving you come-hither looks. Mix it up with some Galiano (after you finish the financial stuff).

When things are tough, Gemini, the stars advise hitting the bars and finding a stranger to listen to your troubles. A real psychologist would just cost you money ($100 and hour? or four bottles of Smirnoff?…you do the math), plus they’d have all sorts of rules about bringing flasks to the office, etc.  Who needs professionals? Any stranger with a sufficiently high blood-alcohol level will be happily regaled by you.

Life feels hard right now, Cancer, but you just need some perspective. The world is full of real problems, and you…well, your worst hardship is having to settle for a mocktail when you want a cocktail. But the stars are recommending mocktails to you this week. What total BS. The stars are zillions of light years away, and arguably their recommendations are therefore zillions of years old. Read no further; go and get drunk.

Leo, you suddenly realize you’ve been living behind a façade. Look at yourself in the mirror…who the hell are you anyway? Getting to know the real you may take time and involve a stack of gooey self-help books, which sounds like totally boring busy-work. Instead of engaging in an uphill battle to know thyself, learn to love the fake you—then mix yourself a glitzy gin-and-Goldschlager to celebrate the joys of artificiality.

You’ve worked so hard, Virgo. You’ve slaved away and put everything you had into a project at work, only to receive faint praise. Nor are you happy with the results. As for what your boss thinks…you might need a cardboard box. You certainly need a supply of Hypnotiq, Blue Curacao, and Malibu. Because when you’re blue, there’s nothing like a blue drink.

Libra, you are fretting about small things. Cut yourself some slack. With all your worrying, you’ve barely noticed that you have a well-dressed admirer. The stars (which don’t like being wrong) say this potential flirtation features an Aries, an Aquarius, or a Gemini. Talk about hedging your bets, stars. But they also call for shots of Bailey’s and butterscotch schnapps, so you can’t very well argue.

Your personal life is out of control, Scorpio. Since this is fairly normal for you, there’s no need to sweat it. Distract yourself by rearranging the furniture or discovering what you get when you combine red wine and rum in equal parts, then toss some random fruits into it (the booze, not the furniture). Maintain a permanent vat of this on your coffee table and you’ll never want for visitors.

Sagittarius, you get a break from being designated driver, which calls for a big Stolichnaya-Jagermeister bender. But don’t get so hammered that you won’t realize it when a drunken friend tries to get behind the wheel. Peel that moron out of his/her car, moralize drunkenly, and call a cab. Drinking is awesome—we don’t need it spoilt by idiots.

A charity hits you up for money, Capricorn. If you don’t agree with its message, don’t feel pressured to give. If you do agree, by all means give, but save some cash for the liquor cabinet. Maybe you can volunteer time rather than money? Otherwise you won’t be able to afford this week’s celestial recommendation: Vana Tallinn. Plus you’ll meet cool new people volunteering (maybe an interesting Leo). But watch out for “frenemies” this week!

Aquarius, are you by any chance an organ donor? Consider filling out a card this week; practically everything barring your liver should be usable. If that’s a little too morbid for you, why not donate blood? Unless it’s full of rum. Come to think of it, maybe you could just be nice to people this week…which you usually are anyway. Hmmm, what do the stars suggest, then? Just go and get a haircut or something.

Pisces, this week features unlikely meetings with people you thought you’d never see again. If you’ve been hankering for social connection, this is a good thing. If you’re in the witness protection program, this is a bad thing. Accordingly, be careful whether you stay in or go outside. If you have a partner, life may get turbulent this week. Smooth it out with as much Kahlua as you can absorb.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)

ASTROLIQUOR for August 24-30—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you have so much confidence in your own mojo that you often wait for others to email or phone you. Take the initiative this week and call someone from so long ago that they’ve forgotten your typical bar behavior. Shut off your rational side and let your emotions guide you. Okay, so that’s hard when your emotions are usually angry…but you can loosen up with some Captain Morgan and Mountain Dew.

Taurus, you’ll hear from an old friend, but listen carefully and be skeptical. OMG, what do they want? Do they want money? Free drinks? Will they take you away from friends, family and work? Will the two of you go on a bender involving peach schnapps, white sambuca, and Midori melon? (In which case it’s okay, and the best day for it is Sunday.)

You didn’t intend to redecorate your house, Gemini, but that’s what you get when you mix up a tub of vodka and triple sec. Finish the job this week; your half-done alterations are unseemly, especially if you’ve accidentally taken out a wall. Whatever you’ve done, it’s enabled your neighbors to see you in a thong, and they don’t like it.

Now is the time to act, Cancer. Wavering hasn’t done you a lick of good, and the stars are willing to help you make good decisions this week. The key is to have a plan. You can’t just get pissed on tequila and then bring home a truckload of random electronics. Get pissed on Patron and Cointreau and lock yourself in the house.

Leo, whatever your ride is—bike, car, scooter—it’s going to need repairs this week. Be preemptive so the fix is small and inexpensive. Use the downtime to get drunk, staying out of traffic of course. Maybe you could invite a friend over and make some vodka martinis in your bathtub. Sunday’s best for me; just email me your address.

Get out of town for a few days, Virgo. You have some friends who are pissed off at you and, even though you don’t have any money, anyone who’d think of combining Bacardi 151, vanilla liqueur, and Crown Royal with Pepsi is creative enough to get by. Have fun knowing your absence will make your friends’ hearts fonder, or at least keep them from kicking your ass.

Libra, the stars are giving you a hall pass this week. Take it easy; break your more stressful engagements and plan some mellow activities instead. If you can raft along Friday through Monday on a vodka-drambuie river, you’ll get your groove back, and you might even meet a horny new friend.

Everything seems uphill this week, Scorpio. But compare now with five years ago. Chances are you didn’t have enough martinis then, but I bet you’re drinking more of them now. The great thing about aging is that we tend to drink more, and we have fewer friends to share the drinks with, which saves us money. The stars say the martinis should be vodka, but they are not always right.

Sagittarius, you’re surrounded by crud and odor, up to your neck in foul sweatsocks and filthy underwear. Rediscover that particular appliance that spins around (shudder). Put some clothes in it—especially the ones encrusted with Sheep-Dip-and-marsala vomit. Swish a cloth around; feed the toilet some Vim. You’ll feel better about your house and about yourself. Then you can begin afresh with another binge (the best day’s Sunday). Oh yeah, and no lottery tickets for you; spend the cash on booze.

The lottery’s a no-go for you, Capricorn. In fact, the week is generally unlucky, and you just don’t have the money to go nuts like you used to. Stay away from ostentatious types who rub their wealth in your face. Don’t let people pressure you to compete—at least not until October when your finances pick up slightly. For now you’re on a beer budget. Dig into your liquor cabinet and see if you can find some languishing rum. Toss it into the beer along with some gummy bears. That should put things in budgetary perspective.

Aquarius, take a fresh look at your world. Try to imagine everything is new—your job, your home, your relationships—see how much you really have. Life is good, but it’s not always easy to perceive. A simple mood adjustment might help. Good catalysts include Bailey’s Irish Cream and Southern Comfort.

Pisces, go through that cardboard box from the office. It sucks that you got fired again, but think about all the free time ahead. Especially if you’re in the northern hemisphere, this is an awesome time to get cut loose, and you can probably still afford a tequila bottle or two. Have a kick-ass party to celebrate your freedom. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, and it’s all the better because you don’t need to get up on Monday any more.