My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, even if you’ve been feeling your age lately, this week brings new energy. Whatever age you were happiest, that’s the way you’ll feel. Hark back to relatively mature times and you may find yourself sipping a Grey Goose martini. But good luck if you long for less mature times—you could end up shotgunning beers at the park. With apologies for gross stereotyping, this is a kick-ass way to feel young.
Taurus, this is the week to complete important negotiations. The terms won’t get more favorable, so sign the documents already. The sooner you get this boring task done, the sooner you can hit that box of white wine that’s been giving you come-hither looks. Mix it up with some Galiano (after you finish the financial stuff).
When things are tough, Gemini, the stars advise hitting the bars and finding a stranger to listen to your troubles. A real psychologist would just cost you money ($100 and hour? or four bottles of Smirnoff?…you do the math), plus they’d have all sorts of rules about bringing flasks to the office, etc. Who needs professionals? Any stranger with a sufficiently high blood-alcohol level will be happily regaled by you.
Life feels hard right now, Cancer, but you just need some perspective. The world is full of real problems, and you…well, your worst hardship is having to settle for a mocktail when you want a cocktail. But the stars are recommending mocktails to you this week. What total BS. The stars are zillions of light years away, and arguably their recommendations are therefore zillions of years old. Read no further; go and get drunk.
Leo, you suddenly realize you’ve been living behind a façade. Look at yourself in the mirror…who the hell are you anyway? Getting to know the real you may take time and involve a stack of gooey self-help books, which sounds like totally boring busy-work. Instead of engaging in an uphill battle to know thyself, learn to love the fake you—then mix yourself a glitzy gin-and-Goldschlager to celebrate the joys of artificiality.
You’ve worked so hard, Virgo. You’ve slaved away and put everything you had into a project at work, only to receive faint praise. Nor are you happy with the results. As for what your boss thinks…you might need a cardboard box. You certainly need a supply of Hypnotiq, Blue Curacao, and Malibu. Because when you’re blue, there’s nothing like a blue drink.
Libra, you are fretting about small things. Cut yourself some slack. With all your worrying, you’ve barely noticed that you have a well-dressed admirer. The stars (which don’t like being wrong) say this potential flirtation features an Aries, an Aquarius, or a Gemini. Talk about hedging your bets, stars. But they also call for shots of Bailey’s and butterscotch schnapps, so you can’t very well argue.
Your personal life is out of control, Scorpio. Since this is fairly normal for you, there’s no need to sweat it. Distract yourself by rearranging the furniture or discovering what you get when you combine red wine and rum in equal parts, then toss some random fruits into it (the booze, not the furniture). Maintain a permanent vat of this on your coffee table and you’ll never want for visitors.
Sagittarius, you get a break from being designated driver, which calls for a big Stolichnaya-Jagermeister bender. But don’t get so hammered that you won’t realize it when a drunken friend tries to get behind the wheel. Peel that moron out of his/her car, moralize drunkenly, and call a cab. Drinking is awesome—we don’t need it spoilt by idiots.
A charity hits you up for money, Capricorn. If you don’t agree with its message, don’t feel pressured to give. If you do agree, by all means give, but save some cash for the liquor cabinet. Maybe you can volunteer time rather than money? Otherwise you won’t be able to afford this week’s celestial recommendation: Vana Tallinn. Plus you’ll meet cool new people volunteering (maybe an interesting Leo). But watch out for “frenemies” this week!
Aquarius, are you by any chance an organ donor? Consider filling out a card this week; practically everything barring your liver should be usable. If that’s a little too morbid for you, why not donate blood? Unless it’s full of rum. Come to think of it, maybe you could just be nice to people this week…which you usually are anyway. Hmmm, what do the stars suggest, then? Just go and get a haircut or something.
Pisces, this week features unlikely meetings with people you thought you’d never see again. If you’ve been hankering for social connection, this is a good thing. If you’re in the witness protection program, this is a bad thing. Accordingly, be careful whether you stay in or go outside. If you have a partner, life may get turbulent this week. Smooth it out with as much Kahlua as you can absorb.