fun

Dear Santa…

Open letter to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,

I know you are very busy making dreams come true for westernized children all over the world, stimulating the economy and driving stressed-out parents to drink. That’s cool. I just wanted you to know that there are very few things in my liquor cabinet right now. The cupboard is bare, Santa, and I’m hoping you will come through for me.

Here’s my current inventory, if you haven’t been following me:

  • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
  • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
  • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
  • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
  • Appleton Estate Rum—2 oz

So that’s not very good, right? How can I mix myself a Green Man or a Snowglobe or a Naughty Monkey without some core ingredients? I know you understand because you have a very red nose—the kind that’s bursting with blood vessels from years of imbibing excess. You feel me, right? You get my needs?

Okay, Santa, so here’s what I’d like:

  • Bacardi white rum
  • Bacardi 151
  • Blackberry brandy
  • Strawberry liqueur
  • Banana liqueur
  • Hypnotiq (or more Malibu if you can’t find Hypnotiq)

That will take care of Christmas morning. In the afternoon I’d like (please):

  • Pernod
  • Champagne
  • Melon liqueur
  • Bailey’s
  • Crown Royal
  • Amaretto liqueur

Okay. That covers most of Christmas day. Then there’ll be a big song-and-dance about making dinner and I’ll disappear for a while for a nap. I might skulk to the table if there’s wine (would you bring some chardonnay and pinot gris please?) but won’t really need anything until later, and then…

  • Peppermint schnapps
  • Goldschlager – yeah!!!

I realize this doesn’t really stock a liquor cabinet; a lot of these are specialty items that don’t figure in everyone’s everyday drinking. But I think it’s a travesty that my parents won’t keep these things on hand. Sure, they can be relied upon to buy a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer once in a while, but they are hopeless about setting up a bar. So maybe you can come through for me, Santa, and bring a few bottles. That is, if you are not too laden down with toys for the kids here (and really, they don’t need anything much, and what you do bring them could be very small and space-efficient, if you get my drift).

Also, if you wanted to bring these things early, for Hanukkah rather than Christmas, that would be great. That way you’d have lots of room in your sleigh and you could get some driving practice before Christmas Eve, so it would be very win-win for us. I celebrate every holiday to excess and believe that liquor has a place at each and every one.

I always believed in you Santa—don’t forget, okay?

 

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 25-Dec. 2

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

My advice to you, Aries, is to lie back and take it easy. Try a new combination such as this:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 5 oz peach schnapps
  • 2.5 cups orange juice

Wake up, call in sick, mix this up in a pitcher and sip it all day.

Taurus, you’ve been thinking about improving your mind. But self-improvement takes a lot of time—time best spent on drinking. Thoughts of self-improvement are pernicious. Keep them in check with this:

  • 2 oz brandy
  • 1 tsp pineapple juice
  • 1 tsp lemon juice
  • 0.5 tsp cherry liqueur
  • Dash bitters

There’s a party somewhere this week, Gemini. But your mind is in a thousand places, so you might forget about it—maybe because you start every day with cognac in your coffee. Don’t worry if you miss someone’s birthday; everyone forgives a drunk.

You are suffocating in your house, Cancer! You need to free your mind and body. Get a big 2L bottle of Fresca, dump half of it and replace it with whiskey. Face the weather, cold or hot, and reel around the neighborhood in your underwear with your big bottle.

This is still a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. You’re feeling happy and at ease, everybody loves you, and you’re making useful contacts. Buy everyone a Monkey F#ck:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coffee liqueur
  • 1 tsp half-and-half cream

 

A lot of people think they can count on you, Virgo, but that probably won’t be true if you continue combining apple cider and whiskey at work. Try to make friends with a nice, forgiving Cancer, then you can keep on drinking.

Everything’s going like clockwork, Libra, but you still have a bar fight in your future. Read my Smirnoff review for a cautionary tale about house-wreaking. Don’t let it stop you, though! I recommend mixing your Smirnoff with gingerale to take the edge off. Good luck.

You try to make people think that you’re exercising and working hard, Scorpio, but you’re really making other people do your shit for you. Suckers! Lie back with some Southern Comfort and amaretto liqueur; add pineapple juice if that mixture has too much bite. Keep laughing at other people; sometimes they deserve it.

Sagittarius, you will never find a mate if you keep gargling orange juice and Kahlua together. Clean yourself up and find a drink that won’t curdle in your mouth. Maybe some beer. Yeah, some beer.

Keep fending off logic and rationality, Capricorn. It’s not tax season yet, so you don’t need those qualities. I see you lurching around on an applejack brandy and benedictine bender. Yeah! Maybe you’ll meet somebody in your travels.

You think you handle stress well, Aquarius, but you’re calling in sick on Mondays a whole lot. You make an imaginative shit mix, though—I like Captain Morgan for you this week with…hmmm…Coke, Sprite, Orange Crush and peppermint schnapps. Doesn’t that sound awesome? It sure won’t help you with work, though.

Pisces, you’re all worn out, and you want to throw your alarm clock across the room. Do it! Call in sick and get yourself occupied with this little mixture:

  • 1 oz Smirnoff 
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2.5 oz half-and-half

You may think this is not for breakfast, but one taste will convince you otherwise. Go for it! You wouldn’t have been useful this week anyway.

Yummly Jell-O shots

Checking out the inventory this morning, I realized we have a genuine booze emergency in the house. If you haven’t read my lamentations about the liquor cupboard being bare, here’s a list of what we have:

    • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
    • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
    • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
    • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
    • AppletonEstate Rum—2 oz

Needless to say, all are sealed tightly enough to defeat my furry, thumbless paws.

So I’d say that’s a crisis, wouldn’t you? These little remainders have been languishing for years. I’ve just about given up any hope of inspiring my parents to get into these rejected bottles. Just about…

Enter Yummly Nibbles & Bits, a gorgeous foodie website with pics that make even an alcoholic a little hungry. As you know, I don’t go in for solid food; I am all about liquor. But I’ll go as far as gels, and Yummly has a beautiful article on alcoholic Jell-O. They have some good ideas that might dovetail with our dreggish liquor cabinet.

But what is Jell-O exactly? Or more to the point, what is Jell-O made of? Well, hang on tight.

Phew! No bear parts. Unless they're included in "Other"???

Jell-O is gelatin-based, and gelatin is a “protein produced from collagen extracted from the boiled bones, connective tissues, and intestines of animals.” Whoa!

So what kinds of animals are we talking about? Just like you humans, I’m pretty good about compartmentalizing information, meaning I can shoot a Jell-O drink without envisioning the pigs, cows and chickens all jumbled up in its manufacture. But I’d have to draw the line if bears had any unfortunate part in gelatin production, just because I wouldn’t want to be a cannibal.

I googled “bear entrails vs gelatin” and was satisfied that bears are not used to make the stuff; however, gelatin is used to make gummi bears, which is cool. But you may want to avoid Jell-O shots if you’re concerned about them being kosher.

So what can we whip up using Jell-O and our meager booze rations?

From Bionic Bites

I want to make these very badly, but I have a few mods: I’m gonna sub Bacardi Big Apple Rum for the blueberry Stoli and leave out the actual blueberries. We have raspberry Jell-O so I’ll use that. The only hitch is that my mum says the kids will want it, so we have to leave out the rum.

From Bakers Royale

This one’s ingenious, but my mum will have to do all the work because I don’t have opposable thumbs or patience. You have to hollow out a bunch of strawberries…I thought we had some growing outside but it turns out they stop growing before November so we are SOL on that account. We can still make the Jell-O part because we have the right flavor (strawberry) and we have two kinds of Mezcal. I’ll use both and leave out the liqueur that we don’t have. Score!

Except my mum says we have to leave out the Mezcal so the kids can eat it. Oh, man.

from annie's eats

This one will work for sure.

Again, we have to scrap the orange liqueur, but it’s all good because we have Mezcal. We have to make sure the worm doesn’t fall into the lime Jell-O, though, because it might scare people. Now we’re all set.

Oh wait. My mum says we have to leave out the worm and the Mezcal. Sigh…

Why don’t you guys whip up some alcoholic Jell-O and tell me all about it?